To the one person who reads this blog-Feel free to skip if intimate details about people you know bother you. This is not going to get ferociously detailed by any means but... slightly none the less. /disclaimer
Where to even begin?
John and my intimacy was not romantic or loving by any means. The first time it was fun because I had no idea. Even throughout the relationship, it was fun, because I had no idea. Now that I am away from it and have had other people explain to me what it should feel like and how sex and kissing and love should be handled, I realize it was not good. Our "intimate" times were times he was even more in control. Times when he could take advantage of my absolute weakest points and twist the knife a bit deeper. It is painful to recall but I do it because I don't want to forget.
I cried several times, not because of pain and not because of pleasure but because of the emotional hold he had on me. It literally killed me every time. I remember the last time like it was yesterday. I screamed afterward. All of the pent up and balled up energy of my pain came out from me.
(Intimate detail)
We were together and then he got out so he could finish (like always... *sigh*) then he rolled over and said, "Tonight's your lucky night I am going to LET you play as well." He wouldn't touch me or hold me or anything he was drifting to sleep. He could hear me getting closer and then he said... "Are you thinking about _____?" That was the name of a long time friend who I had never thought of sexually. Why would he say that? why would I be thinking of anyone but him, the one I loved, the one I wanted to love?
I stopped. Sat up and screamed at him. I told him he had NO IDEA what he was putting me through. That every time he made me stop was an emotional war on myself. Girls can't get "blue balls" physically-but it takes a toll on us just as much if not more. I got up and slept on the couch until he apologized then I went back in but refused to touch him.
This wasn't a first. But it was the last. After I left him I was not even able to think a sexual thought for several months. Sure I felt it built up inside of me but it wasn't worth the pain of the memory. Then finally one day i gave it a shot... and cried through the whole thing. My first successful sexual thought/personal intimate moment was 6 months after I left him.
People warned me, friends and family and Dee all warned me that it would be hard when I was finally WITH someone. They would have to be trusting and understanding etc.
Onward a bit, I became Primal. Primal living/getting healthy SPIKES the libido. Every PBer I have met has had the same experience and it is almost annoying. So keep this in mind.
The first time I was with someone after my ex was almost exactly one year after I left him. Ironically enough it was the person who was referred to as _____ before. He and I were considering a relationship but mostly he was someone who has loved me through all of it, every single thing I have done and been in the last 6 years and he has been my friend. I was alone and lost and needed that. He was loving and caring. Looking back-do I wish I could change it-Not really. I guess I wish I would have/could have waited for someone who is more serious and more my type sexually and romantically but he was there, and he was sweet.
Now there is a new bone/wrench/whatever. The second guy I was with was a mistake. Probably the only regret I have ever had and will ever have in my entire life. I knew him enough, two weeks is longer than some people wait. I felt comfortable and he was kind. We were in a monogamous relationship. However, there was a problem. Not only that but he and I had perfect chemistry in everything but the bedroom.
Now, the next person I am with will have to be patient, and kind, and gentle, and understanding, and willing and loving... etc. The list seriously goes on for days. I almost wish I could be with someone who has been through what I have been through. My most recent boyfriend tried to rush it and when I tried to explain he wouldn't listen, so he is no longer that person for me. I can't be rushed. I can't. I need to be loved slowly and gently because I break easily.
I am so disappointed that my intimate history is so fucked up (for lack of better words). I really wish there were something I could do to edit-undo the whole thing, but I can't. I can only control what happens from here. Unfortunately my mind turns off when I am horny and lonely. Kiss me and it takes 20 seconds for my mind to recover, touch me and it takes another 30, kiss my neck or ears or legs... FORGET ABOUT IT... I am done for. This is why I have to think as hard and well as I can BEFORE the kisses. I think it is the control factor still. I think there is something that was instilled in me. I still enjoy the idea of it-oddly enough. I watched the movie "the secretary" and could totally relate and found it enticing. The thing is, if a person loves you enough, those situations are comforting instead of power struggles.
I suppose that is all. I feel better now, this was really weighing on me today. I am glad I was able to write about it instead.
Good night,
Angel
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
The Dream that Freed me
I have had a lot of dreams over the years, a lot. Probably an average of 300 or more per year that I remembered and probably about 50 that I can still remember vividly to this day. Since leaving John I have had a lot of dreams about him, or had at least.
There was a dream that I had a few months ago that I thought I documented, but I didn't so Now I will. The reason this dream is so significant is not only what happens IN the dream but also what has happened since the dream. Since this dream I have not had one dream about John. I have dreamed about his family and friends in various ways, but he is never a part of my dreams anymore-he has zero control of me conscious or sub-consciously.
The dream (or nightmare)...
I went to a movie theatre known as the Elks with someone (I think it was my mom or my best friend I can no longer remember). This movie theatre is the most beautiful place and it is what is known as a cheap-theater which makes it just that much better!
I went to the movie and had a sneaking suspicion/sense that he was present. While in the movie nothing happened but at one point I went to the bathroom and felt I was being followed. I turned in my tracks and told him to leave me alone, I couldn't see him yet.
I got into the bathroom and heard him again this time when I turned he was there. He looked like a vicious monster/him. He was definitely recognizable. I ran into the bathroom stall and shut it. I tried to reason with him but he wouldn't listen. he continually told me I was fat and ugly and not worth his time and that he hated me and he was planning to make my life hell. I tried very hard to calm him down and talk to him but it wouldn't work and he continually reached under and over the stall. I jumped on top of the stall and grabbed a golf-driver. I hopped back down and said "Please-don't make me do this..." he pushed on the stall but I could see his right foot (the injured one) right where I could hit it. I smashed his foot. He fell to the ground. I could have left him laying there to cry in his pain but instead I took the driver and beat him. Until he died.
John has not appeared in my dreams since. And every time something comes up that reminds me of him or where I have to talk to him or read something about him, I have no feelings of weakness. Sometimes I miss the companionship (but I could have that with anyone). I sometimes miss our humor (But it really wasn't THAT great)... really there is nothing I miss enough to ever consider being with him again.
I don't blame John for everything. I am a grown woman and made my own choices. I did choose to leave him and I know that it will take him longer to work through it than it did me because of the position I was in when I left (if he ever chooses to work through it). I also know that we both had set standards for each other that the other could not possibly reach, that is a factor. He did not have to abuse me, no, but he did. I didn't have to stay-which is why I left.
So far, so good. I am doing really well keeping my head on. I have tried 3 relationships with 3 different people. They didn't work. I ended them. Two of them are "heartbroken" but I am certain they will survive. I will not put myself in a relationship i don't deserve ever again. And with my head screwed on straight-there is really nothing to worry about.
Take care,
Angel
There was a dream that I had a few months ago that I thought I documented, but I didn't so Now I will. The reason this dream is so significant is not only what happens IN the dream but also what has happened since the dream. Since this dream I have not had one dream about John. I have dreamed about his family and friends in various ways, but he is never a part of my dreams anymore-he has zero control of me conscious or sub-consciously.
The dream (or nightmare)...
I went to a movie theatre known as the Elks with someone (I think it was my mom or my best friend I can no longer remember). This movie theatre is the most beautiful place and it is what is known as a cheap-theater which makes it just that much better!
I went to the movie and had a sneaking suspicion/sense that he was present. While in the movie nothing happened but at one point I went to the bathroom and felt I was being followed. I turned in my tracks and told him to leave me alone, I couldn't see him yet.
I got into the bathroom and heard him again this time when I turned he was there. He looked like a vicious monster/him. He was definitely recognizable. I ran into the bathroom stall and shut it. I tried to reason with him but he wouldn't listen. he continually told me I was fat and ugly and not worth his time and that he hated me and he was planning to make my life hell. I tried very hard to calm him down and talk to him but it wouldn't work and he continually reached under and over the stall. I jumped on top of the stall and grabbed a golf-driver. I hopped back down and said "Please-don't make me do this..." he pushed on the stall but I could see his right foot (the injured one) right where I could hit it. I smashed his foot. He fell to the ground. I could have left him laying there to cry in his pain but instead I took the driver and beat him. Until he died.
John has not appeared in my dreams since. And every time something comes up that reminds me of him or where I have to talk to him or read something about him, I have no feelings of weakness. Sometimes I miss the companionship (but I could have that with anyone). I sometimes miss our humor (But it really wasn't THAT great)... really there is nothing I miss enough to ever consider being with him again.
I don't blame John for everything. I am a grown woman and made my own choices. I did choose to leave him and I know that it will take him longer to work through it than it did me because of the position I was in when I left (if he ever chooses to work through it). I also know that we both had set standards for each other that the other could not possibly reach, that is a factor. He did not have to abuse me, no, but he did. I didn't have to stay-which is why I left.
So far, so good. I am doing really well keeping my head on. I have tried 3 relationships with 3 different people. They didn't work. I ended them. Two of them are "heartbroken" but I am certain they will survive. I will not put myself in a relationship i don't deserve ever again. And with my head screwed on straight-there is really nothing to worry about.
Take care,
Angel
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