A Shift in Paradigm

"Something I thought I would never say is about to come out of my mouth." I said, fear flowing through my heart and mind. My body was literally heavy with a weight that I felt silly for feeling. Half of me felt This is obviously right, it is just so right.  and the other half felt BUT... I have always been one way am I really allowed to just change my mind, is that okay?

I laid clutching my husband's hand in our pitch black room. We lay side by side, as we are only fortunate enough to do a few days of the week. I could see nothing but I could feel the tears streaming down my face and the pain in my heart that was not a bad pain but I couldn't really label it "good" either. It just felt different. I felt the sadness of loss and the glory of hope all at the same time. 

"I am here for you." He responded, squeezing my fingers lightly. We don't ALWAYS hold hands in bed, but when we do it is always meaningful.

"I feel," I sniff, "So confused. I am afraid. I am afraid of the feelings I am having. I am confused and conflicted and I feel ridiculous saying this but I think the holy spirit might be moving through me in this moment." I laugh through my tears and a lump is stuck in my throat, "That is ridiculous, right? I mean who the hell says that shit? What am I saying!?" 

***

For the last twelve, maybe thirteen, years of my life I have labelled myself as "spiritual". I preferred to just avoid conversations about religious beliefs and affiliations in general. Spirituality is  something I could get behind but still kept my thoughts and beliefs to myself pretty much always. I really valued learning about other people's belief systems. I feel that learning is a tool we undervalue in our society and learning from one another, face to face, over a conversation not an argument is the most beautiful type of learning in my mind.

I have tried really hard, my entire life, to be non judgmental. I know I am not perfect, no one is, but it is a value that is high on my list and a quality that I have been commended on for most of my life. Along with that I have an affinity for love. I love everyone in the world, and I don't feel there is anything wrong with that. You could test this, people do, by dropping names of really "horrible people" and seeing if I can actually say that I love them. I assure you, no test is needed, I do.

Luckily, a little over three years ago, I met a man who found that quality (and many others of mine) attractive. The man I thought could not possibly exist was laid in my life right at the right place and the right time, imagine that? Good thing I don't believe in coincidences. At that time my biggest fear was that I was too experienced for him. That I would scare him away with the fact that I had an STI (Sexually Transmitted Infection) HSV2 (Herpes simplex virus 2). I was afraid that I was not good enough for him, because he was (and still is) the best person I have ever known.

Our adventure started, we moved along it took me two months to finally tell him and when I did, it was a blip on the radar. That was Christmas Eve 2010. We progressed gracefully through our first year together and then I started having some personal issues, some conflicting feelings. The fear welled up inside of me again and, much like last night, I laid beside him in bed in the dark with tears rolling down my eyes and confessed my heart, week of Christmas 2011. He accepted it, as if it were the only option, and said we would do this together. "We will find what works for us and keep communicating," he said "I love you no matter what."

It still blows my mind that there is a person on this planet who loves me as much as he does. I love him that much too. I love him so much sometimes tears burst from my eyes because I just can't find another way to express it, it isn't sadness, it is happiness... and the feeling of being completed. To imagine that with all my flaws someone is able to love me the same way, though, is just incredible.

This is the time of year for Change for us, it seems. Last year was fairly peaceful, all things considered, there were no big announcements at Christmas, no fears rushing through my entire body as I once again tested the undying, unconditional love of my partner.

***

"I think that what other people think doesn't matter, it shouldn't." He said. 

"Not even you though? What if you and I are not on the same page? I can't handle that..." 

"Do you think we are?" He squeezed my hand again. 

***

Now, I aim to be non judgmental, but I am human. I had my moments with the state I live in... and I have always had a hard time with the people of certain beliefs. For example, Russians. I grew up around them and all the men I knew who were Russian treated women HORRIBLY and it killed me I couldn't stand to be around it. Now, I know people who are Russian and are not this way, I have learned over the years that I had a prejudice and I tried to change it, and feel I have been successful.

The only other group of people I probably judged even more were Christians. Of all sorts, really, religious or non religious Christians, it didn't matter.  I found exceptions to the rule over the years, but generally I considered Christians to be less evolved. Mostly because, from my experience, you couldn't believe in Jesus and God and the Bible as well as science. Given that some things are entirely proven by science and can't be ignored, I thought if I had to choose one, I would have to choose science.

***

"It is like what I have always wanted, but never thought I could have. I gave up on a relationship with God when I was told that I had to follow certain rules to be loved by him. When our priests spent time preaching about how Pokemon are evil and self gratification is going to send you to hell, unless, of course, you go to a priest and confess everything and say 40 prayers mindlessly. That just never made sense to me. I wanted it, I have thirst for it for as long as I can remember, but I never felt it, I never felt a connection. So I just left and never looked back." He confessed

***

I don't ignore the signs. A few weeks ago we were ready to pack up and move down to Omaha to be close with some of our friends. One thing led to another and there were several signs that the idea to move was not a good one so we backed off. A lot of why we wanted to move was for that relationship. We miss having friends close, people we trust and know and love, people who get us and care about us and WANT to be with us. He was especially struggling with this, letting it get him down regularly. The friends he thought he had either were no longer or had diminished into something of a shadow of what they were, no longer friendships, just empty shells.

We spent time with a couple we have known for a year, they are nice and sweet, but they are Christian. You know because Christianity is a disqualification for friendship, or at least the close friendship we were looking for. Obviously, as Christians, they were less evolved, right, because they don't believe in science and they are against homosexuality. The defining moment really came when that bubble was burst and those prejudices were put out like a candle after church.

As a matter of fact quite the opposite. Our new friends, who happened to be Christian, believe in science because apparently there is no law that says you can't. They realize the fact that a lot of the Bible was written in a time not like our time now and there were laws then that don't pertain to us now. Their feelings about gay people do not wholly align with mine, but discovering that that doesn't matter. For me to have a relationship with God and Jesus it is really between me and them not my friends or anyone else, even the church.

***

"I am terrified." I cried

"I know, me too." He always sounds so calm even when he isn't another reason we are so great together. 

"But why? why am I so worried? Part of me feels like I have to have my mind made up I have to be one thing or another. This is like the whole world got turned on itself though," I breathe deeply trying to keep myself calm, "like science and religion who would have thought? Who could imagine that I could both be myself, as I am and be a child of God? I don't understand it but I want it so badly."

"I do too, desperately. "

"Well, it seems we are on the same page then, even though we didn't even realize it?" I smile, the tears have stopped. "I think I want to be a Christian... Oh my God am I even allowed to say that? I have no idea... that feels so weird. I mean, I am not against Christianity but it has always not been for me, but do you think that I could both be a Christian and be me? That they are not mutually exclusive?" I pant again, starting to get excited. 

"I think, honestly, it is the opposite. I think that in order to be a Christian you must be you. You can't go at it as a lie or with rules or outlines, it has to be your whole truth. We are sinners, that's why this whole world exists. You are who you are, I love you for who you are even the things that people might think are sins. Jesus really loves you, though, he loves you and forgives you before you even need the forgiveness..." 

I can't tell you how strange this all was to me. It was like I was saying words that I should whisper because they were going to some how end the world. I felt, and still feel, completely terrified. I have no idea what I am doing but I do know how I feel, and that is a great place to start. 

"The pain is gone. It is like as soon as I said that it was the spirit moving through me, as soon as I identified it for what it was, I was relieved. I feel so excited right now, so intrigued and exhilarated."

"Me too." 

"I feel like I am breaking the rules, though. Like everyone is going to be like, 'What the fuck? You can't be a Christian!'" 

"It's none of their business." He ran his finger up the side of my hand reminding me again that it is between me and God. 

"Do you want to do this?"

"Yes." 

"Honey?"

"Ahuh..."
 
"I want to be a Christian. I want to be baptized again, as my own choice... I want to know that feeling... I want to be happy with my relationship with God and Jesus not confused and filled with trepidation." 

"I do too." 

***

This is like running. I always wanted to feel that passion for running that I see in other people. They run and all of their problems fade away from their eyes. The stress on their face eases as they pick up the pace and their feet hit the pavement. I have envied that release. Then I realized... I get that same feeling when I lift weights... I love to lift weights, it is how I do the same thing. Getting the endorphins and releasing the woes...

The same thing applies to this transformation. He said it best last night, "I sat in church my whole life trying so hard to get it right. I really wanted that passion, that love for God. I wanted that relationship with Jesus and an understanding of what they were going through, it looked so enjoyable. Then when I just didn't feel it, I stopped going. I stopped reciting the cult-like prayers with a thoughtless voice. I stopped following the rules that had no explanation to them. I looked for myself, I started soul searching... and I got somewhere but always felt a longing for something, community, and love. I wanted a partner, and I found you and that is what I wanted a partner. But we were both saying it, just a few weeks ago, that something was missing. I really think that this is it. When we went to Red Door both last Sunday and to the holiday concert on Friday I felt it. I felt MOVED I felt like I wanted to be there. I got it, and I felt the love... the way I have always wanted. I was just looking in the wrong place."


***

I think the friends are angels in disguise. They introduced us to the God we never knew but always wanted to know. And God, in his powerful wisdom, was able to see that we wouldn't listen unless it was delivered a certain way. By people like us who we could hear it from. Someone we loved just naturally because we already had so much in common. People who were open and honest, smart and kind, loving and sweet. The exact kind of people I would want to spend the rest of my life friends with. He was desperate for a friend like that, and even more so we were missing something. In our powerful and beautiful marriage, we still needed the community and love that can only be found through Jesus Christ and the fellowship of a church, not a religion. A place we can go to be a part of a community and make a real difference in the world, and be loved, and love.

I am still scared. I am excited and nervous and apprehensive. I am looking forward to learning more and seeing more and doing more. I am also still nervous that suddenly I will wake up and realize that I really am not allowed to be Christian because of one rule or another. I think that comes from the guilt, though, of the church I grew up in. I have my partner by my side. Holding my hand every step of the way and he is doing this for himself as well, not because I think it is best. I could not be happier with that.

Who knows where we'll go from here? I can tell you now, though, I feel so relieved and at peace.

Another Christmas, another realization. I think that this one is the best yet.

Thank you to our dear friends for the best Christmas gift ever, a reintroduction to God.

Thank you God for loving us unconditionally, and especially through your son.

I can't believe these words are coming from me... Pinch me. Actually, don't, This is what I really truly want. This has to be real.