I don't like my family?

I am a bit ticked off lately. Not only am I the busiest fucking person I know but I have also discovered things about myself and my future that I just am not cheerful about. I don't even really know where to begin with explaining it other than with the meaning behind the title.

D and I have been working a lot on a lot of things, mainly learning more about myself and then seeing where that takes me. Well over break when I was with my family I learned that I have a hard time liking them. I understand them fine, and I guess they are accepting of the me that they want me to be (Which is always something different everyday) but... they are ignorant, rude, negative, and annoying... And that's really not even the half of it. I don't do them justice by lying about who I am around them, D says, but then again why should I? I love them to death don't get me wrong. I can't imagine my life without them, without them I wouldn't be me... and that would be pointless. I am just really aggravated that I have to work so damn hard to please them all the time. Of course that is my choice... so I plan to choose to stop it.

I don't know where this is going. I do love my family a lot and I don't want to come off as some snobby bitch who always wants her way and hates life... but really it is annoying having to pretend to be someone I am not. It is scary learning how much I don't like my family. I am disappointed in my mom... how the fuck do I tell her that?

Mom-You should have been there... a normal mom would have been there... why weren't you there? Why did you let me throw my childhood away? Why did you HELP me throw my childhood away? What did I do to deserve this?

I explained to D the horror of my situation... I have both of them wanting me to be a baby... when they want me to be... and then they want me to be their friend... on their beck and call, and then they want me to be the foundation, the rock for the family that keeps them going. I am sorry but I can't nor do I want to be all of those things. I just want to be your equal please! I just want to feel loved and love you and that's that... I don't want to be the rock and I don't want to be the fucking baby...

I am not a baby. I am younger than both of them, I am my mom's child yes... but I am not a baby. I am a grown woman who still has a lot of growing to do... I am smart and talented and open minded and I hate being called a baby by someone I can't really respect. Does that make sense?

Oh god I feel like a horrible person for even saying these things. I should just be grateful for what I have and move on with it... but I am not (apparently)

Maybe one day I will be.

And then Brett... don't even get me started on Brett. He is kinda a douche bag... he doesn't think he is because he hates that term... fine he isnt a db he is an ahole... is that better really or are they about equal? To be so ignorant and yet so full of yourself is unappealing. He is a great guy and most of his traits are one I would love to find in a guy... but there are definitely things about him that just piss me off. And he doesn't seem to care at all. I know there are things about me that piss him off but what the fuck really? Maybe we shouldn't live together, maybe it is a bad idea after all.

I don't know anymore...

I just want all of my relationships to be as easy as the one I have with Tove... why is that too much to ask?

*sigh*

Alas (:)
Good night.

ANGEL

Peace

I need to find my inner peace... i can tell I am getting closer, I am not making it a goal, but it needs to happen. Not necessarily soon, just needs to happen in general. I am seriously suffering here... I think the pain is the real me tearing through the flesh of the facade that has been ruling the roost for so damned long. I am quite sure that this will be the end of it. Once I can lay shit out on the table with my family and just start being me... things will get better. I enjoy being a happy person, yes, but does happiness always come with a smile? I can be content and not lie. I am so used to jumping to the comfortable smile people are so used to seeing with me... I need to get comfortable with jumping to the ME people aren't used to seeing.

I am so care free but am I free of care? Absolutely not, it takes more energy for me to be the person I think they want to see when in reality, I need to be me. I can't carry on this way anymore especially considering the fact that my life will soon get more complex with my work being my number one priority something that will impact me emotionally quite often. I need to be able to be myself.

sick of this

I am so fucking sick of feeling so angry. My heart just aches and I just cry and cry and it won't go away. I am angry with everyone and I don't know how to handle it and then it makes me feel so lonely and isolated too... I just to know what to think or feel right now. i am really just feeling like death inside. I feel great but horrible at the same time i am just fucking stuck... god. Then it's like I am bugging brett or something and its like dude I don't want to bug you or whatever but fuck just return my calls or answer when I call or listen to me when I talk or something! come on! And then I talk to mom and she's like "I know you're bored but I have work to do" and maybe I do call cause I am bored, that is probably the reason... but I want SOMETHING I feel like I give so much and get so little in return I am expected to be the fricking foundation for our family, the support beams through all the shit we have been through and yet when I want a little bit of attention for something I feel like it is not there. Sure I want to go back to RC a week early why the fuck wouldn't I but at the same time once I get there and we get into conversations I won't be able to hold my own anyway. Shit. And then here it's like here or there... well if I had to pick I would pick there for sure. HERE it is fucking TORTURE! these people are freaks! They are old and douche bags They're old and I am young and they expect something from me and I don't expect that from them and it's dumb as shit! I just have this rage within me making me want to break things and hurt shit and eat... and I don't really WANT to eat but I WANT to eat you know what I mean?! God this is horrifying I am not even close to the bubbly person everyone, including myself, thinks I am. What do I do now? How do I embrace the new girl who is just not that girl?

Where's the anger from?...

I discovered today that I am angry. Anger is not a bad thing like I once thought it was… it is funny cause with the discovery of being angry I realized I am angry with my mom and my brother. Not with them right now but with them and the past. For example, I am angry with my mom for putting so much emotional stress on me when I was just a young teenager. For telling me everything that was going on in her divorce with my dad while it was unfolding in front of my eyes. For not controlling her drinking during the divorce and for jumping so quickly to moving and then being with Clint. It was like dad was barely gone and Clint was in the picture. And sure, he was just her friend and they didn’t sleep together or anything, but we all know what he was a replacement for. When Clint was just barely faded John was in the picture. I am angry with her not taking care of herself emotionally and spiritually the way she says she has. I am angry that she lectures me about taking better care of myself when she doesn’t take as good of care of herself as she should. I am angry with the idea that anger has to be a bad thing. When did it get this bad “rap”? I think anger is healthy. It is important. I am angry with my brother for leaving me to carry it all. I carried it all and I am angry about it. I am angry with my brother for wasting his life, he has a perfectly good one and he wasted half of it… I am not angry at him now, this doesn’t mean I have to hate him or be mad at him, but the anger is there and I have to work through it. I have to process it before I can be happy from my toes to my eyes.

Disappointing

I don't know why I am so disappointed in myself. I got an A- and a B+ those are very good grades, especially considering how much worse I have done in the past, but I want to be a GREAT interpreter and I want to pass the NIC with FLYING colors, and the grades I got on my finals just didn't illuminate that enough. I don't feel confident anymore because the grades struck my confidence down. I am sure if I talked with her about it she would be able to explain why... and maybe I was still one of the best...but maybe I wasn't and that's the part that concerns me the most.

Rage

The anger is seriously coursing through my veins. I can feel it burning all the way to my finger tips and I can't stand it. I can't stand knowing that I will be angry so much! I hate this feeling. I hate him too. Really I think I do. Because even now I am depending on him... he wants the fucking ring... yet I don't want to give it to him. but he wants to pay off the dishes... but I don't want to give the ring to him... if i don't give it to him will he end up just fucking stopping paying the dishes. Should I just give him the fucking ring? OMYGOD! and why the fuck did they come home tonight? I know tomorrow is going to be hell because of it... or maybe it won't who knows?! AHHH! And mom is having fun and being happy and i hate being here alone... and hearing the happiness. GROSS! all i wanna do is scream at the top of my lungs but my fucking old ass aunt and uncle are here and would hear it... why the fuck are they home?! Why can't I earn enough money to pay off my fucking debts?! WHY!? WHY!? WHY!? things seem so fucking hard all the time and I just can't stand it... oh well... what-ever... I will do what I can when I can and what I can't do will just have to fuck off.
the end
IM done
forever
angel

I hate the way I feel today. I can't get past this bump. There's a lump in my throat that won't go away and I am not sure what to do about it. I have been sleeping WAY too much and not crying enough... I am over stressed over what I am not sure. I know these emotions have a reason, a name, something to show me why I am feeling this way. But I can't get over it and it is driving me insane! I can't figure this out and it is dragging me down and there is nothing more I can say. I am in fear for my heart and my spirit and everything is melting away. I am stressed and so tired so so tired... I can't believe how much sleeping I can do which is a HUGE sign that there is something wrong. I feel tense, lonely, disappointed in myself, angry... I just... I don't know I feel like a nut job! GAGGAARRR