I was born open. I was born an open person in a closed family. I was born loving and considerate and non judgemental. I was born bisexual. I was born into a happy family. I was born to become the person I am. I was born to love.
When I was younger and the realization that I had an attraction to both men and women first came into being I was scared. I thought that it meant that I was finicky and afraid I would not find a mate in one sex so I opened myself to the second. I was also scared that it meant twice the heartbreak. My experiences as a bi-sexual have been interesting ones to say the least.
The very first crush I had was on a girl. She and I grew up together and we are still friends. She came out of the closet when we were 13, I liked her when we were 10. Then I had crushes on different guys and girls all throughout my life, but no love was ever requited. (Which was probably for the best)
My first love was my best friend who was extremely closed minded and, still, quite possibly closeted. We did things most teenage girls probably don't do together. The night that solidified my bi-sexuality was the night that solidified her homophobia... and we were never the same since. To me it was not meaningless, it was not exploration, it was love and compassion and real. That is when I realized that bi-sexuality, for me, was not a phase I could grow out of, it was there (as a part of me) forever.
My first kiss was one of my best friends (girl) to her it was just getting me over that "first kiss hump" to me it was a shot in the dark. I have had a crush on nearly every one of my female friends (most of them know it). I have made a point since coming out (to friends... not family) of being open and honest with people ESPECIALLY female friends, about my sexuality.
The thing is a lot of them admitted bi-sexuality as well... but then when they got into a serious monogamous relationship it seemed to dissipate easily for them. I kind of looked forward to that. The confusion of bi-sexuality has never been something I have grown accustomed to. When I married the Asshole it didn't go away. And what's worse is he made it into a defect. He continually pestered me about my female friends and told me that I was just a whore and a lesbian and couldn't ever really love anyone fully because of it. It hurt. I felt invalid and ashamed. I felt like there is truly something wrong with me that can't be fixed.
Not to mention, I come from a very loving and considerate family but their values, in terms of homosexuality especially, are very closed. I remember when I tried to come out to my mom after my divorce I figured that she would find a way to understand. My theory is that everyone is on a sliding scale of bi-sexuality and that mine might be further toward the lesbian side (making it hard for me to live without both sexes) and others are closer to the straight side making it easy for them to live in denial of their attraction to the same sex. I said something to my mom about how I loved my girlfriends and sometimes I wished that they weren't in relationships so I could be with them. I asked her if she understood. If she felt that same attraction to *** and *** (some of her REALLY close girl friends). She seemed astonished, and very insulted. I dropped it. Then every time two women or two men shared intimacy on the television or in public she would make a point to judge. I knew that I could never be there with her.
I also remember the first "Holy Family Day" mass we went to together when I was out. The Deacon was going on and on about how the holy family is a MOTHER and a FATHER and a SON and we should work our hardest to model our lives after them. It can not be a family with a FATHER and a FATHER or a MOTHER and a MOTHER or even a single mother or father. Also, God's goal for us is to continue to grow as a species so if we do not procreate we are not trying to mirror our lives after that of the Holy Family. I about died. My hands were clenched to the pew, my knuckles were white. I was IRATE. My mother left the mass feeling "refreshed" and saying how much she KNOWS that gay people's marriages are not appropriate in the eyes of god and they, unfortunately, will never know the true blessing of marriage. I felt my heart and soul die a little bit that day.
So then when I was single last year I gave serious consideration to starting a relationship with a woman. I figured maybe I was more of a lesbian than I thought and I found myself noticing women, more than men, who I might want to start a relationship with. I really wanted to put it on EHarmony when I was looking there (and found Amazing Fiance) but there was no bi-sexual option available. What is also interesting is my attraction to women and men is very similar. There is not a body type that I was looking for but the personality was nearly the same. Smart, nerdy, loving, non judgemental, interesting, interested... etc. (List goes on).
And then I met Amazing Guy. I am TOTALLY in love with him... I thought for sure this would be my chance for that other side of my coin to erode. It felt like it did temporarily but there has always been a part of me, no matter how big or small, that is going ... not unsatisfied... not unhappy... just... incomplete. I am truly bi-sexual. I want the family and I love the love I have with the most wonderful man in my life... but I need the relationship with a woman as well. I was able to satiate it for a time with my girl friends and going out with them but now they are all gone and all in monogamous and straight relationships.
With the worsening ache of emptiness encroaching on me I started back in my old, and not so good, habits. I struck up an old relationship with a friend which was entirely unhealthy. I knew it was unhealthy because from the start I felt dirty and unhappy. I felt sneaky and , still, incomplete. I was just trying to fill a hole, not figure out what was wrong.
One night when I was at the bottom with that friendship I was talking with a woman who has been my friend (and a crush of mine) for a year and a half. I some how got the overwhelming urge to confess to her my deepest and darkest secrets, secrets I have told NO ONE, and the feelings that I was having of incompleteness. She explained to me that I might be going to the wrong person considering she and her husband were in a Polyamerous relationship. I had NO IDEA what that meant-I also had NO IDEA that that would lead to the most relieving moment of my life.
She and I conducted a conversation about poly as well as bi-sexuality. I realized that maybe the feelings I had for her were there for a reason. Not only that but maybe they could be the answer to the question that was burning a hole in my heart and my head. She is married, she has children, she just feels the other half of her coin is incomplete... her other side matches my other side. She is my other other half. There is a hope in my heart that one day I can be still in a very true and monogamous relationship with Amazing Husband as well as with her simultaneously. I could be completed and no longer confused or embarrassed by who I am inside. I can easily see a future with the beautiful children my husband and I will love and raise and teach as well as with the woman I love as a vital part of our lives and us as a vital part of her, and her family's lives.
In my perfect world this will all work out. I can exist the way I was born to exist. I can love, and live and be loved and be who I am ... COMPLETELY not just partially. I can keep, love, value, treasure, appreciate and show BOTH sides of my coin.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
The past rears it's angry head
I have been seeing someone. For about 2 and a half months we have been dating, and for about 3 and a half months we have been communicating. He is remarkable, sweet, vulnerable, considerate, compassionate, understanding, funny, fun, family-centered, smart, interesting, nerdy... really everything.
I am the first girl he has ever dated for an extended period of time. I am also the first girl he has slept with. For a while the slow going of our relationship was because he is a virgin, or was at the time. It was perfect-exactly what I needed. Then one day the person holding us back was me, because I hadn't told him about my HSV. I told him and he was fine with it. Totally and completely fine and told me that it didn't change his feelings for me what so ever. That night we slept in the same bed and cuddled and things-and things were great. Better than anything or anyone I have ever been with in my entire life. It was remarkable. And I think my feelings for him heightened it even more. I have felt like I might be in love with him for probably a month and a half, and I have KNOWN for definitely over 2 weeks if not 3 or 4. He is remarkable, if I haven't said that enough already.
A bit of history before I go on. I have hinted and prodded at the type of sexual and sexually related emotional abuse that happened in my former marriage. Here is a flat out blatant description of it. My ex husband never did anything to please me. Ever. I think in the 3 and a half years we were together he touched me twice or three times, he didn't ever go down on me and he let me climax an average of once every one to two months (Not a joke). If he caught me masturbating or trying to get my climax from sex he would stop or yell at me depending on the situation. It was bad. Not only that he also used me giving him oral sex as a punishment and a daily requirement on my part. Prior to my relationship with him I really enjoyed giving oral sex. I am not one hundred percent sure why, but I always was fascinated with it and enjoyed the feeling of it and helping a man climax.
*Mentioning again* After we ended our relationship I took a hiatus from all things sexual for 6 months. The first experience sexually was me sobbing through masturbation. Slowly but surely I got to being my regular self again. I have always been very comfortable with my sexuality and talking about sex. I respect other people's boundaries and consider sex to be a most intimate thing, but don't see that as an excuse to ban if from conversation. Especially when a good chat with girlfriends can lead to an even better sex-life. I have always lived by the motto "A lady on the street but a freak in the sheets" and as long as I am with one partner through that, I find there to be absolutely nothing wrong with it.
Back to present day:
The new boyfriend and I have been intimate for over a week now, about five or six days in I decided (well in advance) that I was going to give him oral sex. This is (FYI) SEVERAL times after he personally saw to it that I was pleased over and over again 6 days in a row (amazing)... Did I mention my ex NEVER pleased me... yeah, this is all new. SO ... we are cuddling and making out and watching a movie and I slowly but surly work my way up to it. It took me 25-30 minutes before I was actually able to physically move my body down and do the deed. The minute my face moved past his belly button I was emotionally and mentally checked out. I barely remember what happened. I didn't put any heart in to it. I did what I used to do with my ex husband. I turned off all emotion and just got him where he wanted to be. When i was done i laid my head on his stomach and then got up and went to the bathroom. The rest of the evening was fine, he ended up somewhat returning the favor which was kind of him.
Fast forward 3 days. We have made out and had sex since then, nothing wrong, totally fine. New Years Eve night we are making out and his body language hints that he wants me to give him oral again... I went from horny to angry in less than a minute. I felt this rage pushing through me and I caught myself from yelling at him. I turned my head away... I took a deep breath... I looked at him and started to cry. Big huge crocodile tears streaming down my face as i look at the man I love while his face goes from wanting, to confused, to distraught. He grabbed me up in his arms and held me for a few minutes. I wiped the tears away and said "It's my ex, he ruined everything..." and that is all I could say. I got up and went to the bathroom and convinced him we needed to go to HyVee for some champagne and snacks.
That night was okay, a bit awkward but it worked out alright in the end. The next morning we were cuddling on the couch, clothed. (nice alliteration) And started kissing. It was like we always kiss-I like his kisses he doesn't use tongue. Well this time his tongue snuck in, twice. The angry head came rearing again... I felt my face get hot and my heart start on fire and then i went numb. (Side story-my ex husband rarely kissed me and refused to kiss me with tongue because I "Just couldn't do it the right way" to give him *Credit* he tried to "teach" me but this idiot is just so damned unteachable... Onward) My brain was gone, my heart was gone, i felt like all the love I had for him was gone. All I could think was "we have to break up" "I have to break up with him" "I don't love him" "I HATE HIM" and then i felt his hand on my cheek... it was wet. I opened my eyes and realized i was crying again. "FUCKING A!!!" I screamed "Why does he have to do this? Why can't he just leave me alone!?" And then i bawled and sobbed and sobbed and bawled. And Amazing Boyfriend scooped me into his arms again and held me as i cried. I pulled away for a bit and starred into space for a while until I realized I was shutting off my emotions again so I let them come forward and I SOBBED and BAWLED into his shoulder some more.
His response? "Whenever you feel ready to talk, I am here to listen... Until then just do what you feel comfortable with."
I can't imagine what is going through this poor kid's head. A virgin, his first girlfriend, and when he kisses her her eyes fill with fear, then anger, then tears... and all he wants is for me to feel comfortable. I am a wreck. I am a ball of landmines ready to go off, and he is okay with that.
I have an appointment with my counselor on Tuesday. I really look forward to going over this with her. I told him I am not sure I can talk about it until then and he lovingly grabbed my cheeks and kissed me softly and then looked into my eyes with his which happened to be green tonight and said "Sweetie, I meant it when I said, 'when EVER you are READY' no sooner... I will wait. " *MELT*
I found the one... And he is willing to wait for me to get all my crazy in check. Amazing.
Happy New Year, Merry Christmas, And I hope next time I write it is good news about working through this scary demon of an issue I have facing me.
Thanks for reading
Angel
I am the first girl he has ever dated for an extended period of time. I am also the first girl he has slept with. For a while the slow going of our relationship was because he is a virgin, or was at the time. It was perfect-exactly what I needed. Then one day the person holding us back was me, because I hadn't told him about my HSV. I told him and he was fine with it. Totally and completely fine and told me that it didn't change his feelings for me what so ever. That night we slept in the same bed and cuddled and things-and things were great. Better than anything or anyone I have ever been with in my entire life. It was remarkable. And I think my feelings for him heightened it even more. I have felt like I might be in love with him for probably a month and a half, and I have KNOWN for definitely over 2 weeks if not 3 or 4. He is remarkable, if I haven't said that enough already.
A bit of history before I go on. I have hinted and prodded at the type of sexual and sexually related emotional abuse that happened in my former marriage. Here is a flat out blatant description of it. My ex husband never did anything to please me. Ever. I think in the 3 and a half years we were together he touched me twice or three times, he didn't ever go down on me and he let me climax an average of once every one to two months (Not a joke). If he caught me masturbating or trying to get my climax from sex he would stop or yell at me depending on the situation. It was bad. Not only that he also used me giving him oral sex as a punishment and a daily requirement on my part. Prior to my relationship with him I really enjoyed giving oral sex. I am not one hundred percent sure why, but I always was fascinated with it and enjoyed the feeling of it and helping a man climax.
*Mentioning again* After we ended our relationship I took a hiatus from all things sexual for 6 months. The first experience sexually was me sobbing through masturbation. Slowly but surely I got to being my regular self again. I have always been very comfortable with my sexuality and talking about sex. I respect other people's boundaries and consider sex to be a most intimate thing, but don't see that as an excuse to ban if from conversation. Especially when a good chat with girlfriends can lead to an even better sex-life. I have always lived by the motto "A lady on the street but a freak in the sheets" and as long as I am with one partner through that, I find there to be absolutely nothing wrong with it.
Back to present day:
The new boyfriend and I have been intimate for over a week now, about five or six days in I decided (well in advance) that I was going to give him oral sex. This is (FYI) SEVERAL times after he personally saw to it that I was pleased over and over again 6 days in a row (amazing)... Did I mention my ex NEVER pleased me... yeah, this is all new. SO ... we are cuddling and making out and watching a movie and I slowly but surly work my way up to it. It took me 25-30 minutes before I was actually able to physically move my body down and do the deed. The minute my face moved past his belly button I was emotionally and mentally checked out. I barely remember what happened. I didn't put any heart in to it. I did what I used to do with my ex husband. I turned off all emotion and just got him where he wanted to be. When i was done i laid my head on his stomach and then got up and went to the bathroom. The rest of the evening was fine, he ended up somewhat returning the favor which was kind of him.
Fast forward 3 days. We have made out and had sex since then, nothing wrong, totally fine. New Years Eve night we are making out and his body language hints that he wants me to give him oral again... I went from horny to angry in less than a minute. I felt this rage pushing through me and I caught myself from yelling at him. I turned my head away... I took a deep breath... I looked at him and started to cry. Big huge crocodile tears streaming down my face as i look at the man I love while his face goes from wanting, to confused, to distraught. He grabbed me up in his arms and held me for a few minutes. I wiped the tears away and said "It's my ex, he ruined everything..." and that is all I could say. I got up and went to the bathroom and convinced him we needed to go to HyVee for some champagne and snacks.
That night was okay, a bit awkward but it worked out alright in the end. The next morning we were cuddling on the couch, clothed. (nice alliteration) And started kissing. It was like we always kiss-I like his kisses he doesn't use tongue. Well this time his tongue snuck in, twice. The angry head came rearing again... I felt my face get hot and my heart start on fire and then i went numb. (Side story-my ex husband rarely kissed me and refused to kiss me with tongue because I "Just couldn't do it the right way" to give him *Credit* he tried to "teach" me but this idiot is just so damned unteachable... Onward) My brain was gone, my heart was gone, i felt like all the love I had for him was gone. All I could think was "we have to break up" "I have to break up with him" "I don't love him" "I HATE HIM" and then i felt his hand on my cheek... it was wet. I opened my eyes and realized i was crying again. "FUCKING A!!!" I screamed "Why does he have to do this? Why can't he just leave me alone!?" And then i bawled and sobbed and sobbed and bawled. And Amazing Boyfriend scooped me into his arms again and held me as i cried. I pulled away for a bit and starred into space for a while until I realized I was shutting off my emotions again so I let them come forward and I SOBBED and BAWLED into his shoulder some more.
His response? "Whenever you feel ready to talk, I am here to listen... Until then just do what you feel comfortable with."
I can't imagine what is going through this poor kid's head. A virgin, his first girlfriend, and when he kisses her her eyes fill with fear, then anger, then tears... and all he wants is for me to feel comfortable. I am a wreck. I am a ball of landmines ready to go off, and he is okay with that.
I have an appointment with my counselor on Tuesday. I really look forward to going over this with her. I told him I am not sure I can talk about it until then and he lovingly grabbed my cheeks and kissed me softly and then looked into my eyes with his which happened to be green tonight and said "Sweetie, I meant it when I said, 'when EVER you are READY' no sooner... I will wait. " *MELT*
I found the one... And he is willing to wait for me to get all my crazy in check. Amazing.
Happy New Year, Merry Christmas, And I hope next time I write it is good news about working through this scary demon of an issue I have facing me.
Thanks for reading
Angel
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Afraid of an intimate future
To the one person who reads this blog-Feel free to skip if intimate details about people you know bother you. This is not going to get ferociously detailed by any means but... slightly none the less. /disclaimer
Where to even begin?
John and my intimacy was not romantic or loving by any means. The first time it was fun because I had no idea. Even throughout the relationship, it was fun, because I had no idea. Now that I am away from it and have had other people explain to me what it should feel like and how sex and kissing and love should be handled, I realize it was not good. Our "intimate" times were times he was even more in control. Times when he could take advantage of my absolute weakest points and twist the knife a bit deeper. It is painful to recall but I do it because I don't want to forget.
I cried several times, not because of pain and not because of pleasure but because of the emotional hold he had on me. It literally killed me every time. I remember the last time like it was yesterday. I screamed afterward. All of the pent up and balled up energy of my pain came out from me.
(Intimate detail)
We were together and then he got out so he could finish (like always... *sigh*) then he rolled over and said, "Tonight's your lucky night I am going to LET you play as well." He wouldn't touch me or hold me or anything he was drifting to sleep. He could hear me getting closer and then he said... "Are you thinking about _____?" That was the name of a long time friend who I had never thought of sexually. Why would he say that? why would I be thinking of anyone but him, the one I loved, the one I wanted to love?
I stopped. Sat up and screamed at him. I told him he had NO IDEA what he was putting me through. That every time he made me stop was an emotional war on myself. Girls can't get "blue balls" physically-but it takes a toll on us just as much if not more. I got up and slept on the couch until he apologized then I went back in but refused to touch him.
This wasn't a first. But it was the last. After I left him I was not even able to think a sexual thought for several months. Sure I felt it built up inside of me but it wasn't worth the pain of the memory. Then finally one day i gave it a shot... and cried through the whole thing. My first successful sexual thought/personal intimate moment was 6 months after I left him.
People warned me, friends and family and Dee all warned me that it would be hard when I was finally WITH someone. They would have to be trusting and understanding etc.
Onward a bit, I became Primal. Primal living/getting healthy SPIKES the libido. Every PBer I have met has had the same experience and it is almost annoying. So keep this in mind.
The first time I was with someone after my ex was almost exactly one year after I left him. Ironically enough it was the person who was referred to as _____ before. He and I were considering a relationship but mostly he was someone who has loved me through all of it, every single thing I have done and been in the last 6 years and he has been my friend. I was alone and lost and needed that. He was loving and caring. Looking back-do I wish I could change it-Not really. I guess I wish I would have/could have waited for someone who is more serious and more my type sexually and romantically but he was there, and he was sweet.
Now there is a new bone/wrench/whatever. The second guy I was with was a mistake. Probably the only regret I have ever had and will ever have in my entire life. I knew him enough, two weeks is longer than some people wait. I felt comfortable and he was kind. We were in a monogamous relationship. However, there was a problem. Not only that but he and I had perfect chemistry in everything but the bedroom.
Now, the next person I am with will have to be patient, and kind, and gentle, and understanding, and willing and loving... etc. The list seriously goes on for days. I almost wish I could be with someone who has been through what I have been through. My most recent boyfriend tried to rush it and when I tried to explain he wouldn't listen, so he is no longer that person for me. I can't be rushed. I can't. I need to be loved slowly and gently because I break easily.
I am so disappointed that my intimate history is so fucked up (for lack of better words). I really wish there were something I could do to edit-undo the whole thing, but I can't. I can only control what happens from here. Unfortunately my mind turns off when I am horny and lonely. Kiss me and it takes 20 seconds for my mind to recover, touch me and it takes another 30, kiss my neck or ears or legs... FORGET ABOUT IT... I am done for. This is why I have to think as hard and well as I can BEFORE the kisses. I think it is the control factor still. I think there is something that was instilled in me. I still enjoy the idea of it-oddly enough. I watched the movie "the secretary" and could totally relate and found it enticing. The thing is, if a person loves you enough, those situations are comforting instead of power struggles.
I suppose that is all. I feel better now, this was really weighing on me today. I am glad I was able to write about it instead.
Good night,
Angel
Where to even begin?
John and my intimacy was not romantic or loving by any means. The first time it was fun because I had no idea. Even throughout the relationship, it was fun, because I had no idea. Now that I am away from it and have had other people explain to me what it should feel like and how sex and kissing and love should be handled, I realize it was not good. Our "intimate" times were times he was even more in control. Times when he could take advantage of my absolute weakest points and twist the knife a bit deeper. It is painful to recall but I do it because I don't want to forget.
I cried several times, not because of pain and not because of pleasure but because of the emotional hold he had on me. It literally killed me every time. I remember the last time like it was yesterday. I screamed afterward. All of the pent up and balled up energy of my pain came out from me.
(Intimate detail)
We were together and then he got out so he could finish (like always... *sigh*) then he rolled over and said, "Tonight's your lucky night I am going to LET you play as well." He wouldn't touch me or hold me or anything he was drifting to sleep. He could hear me getting closer and then he said... "Are you thinking about _____?" That was the name of a long time friend who I had never thought of sexually. Why would he say that? why would I be thinking of anyone but him, the one I loved, the one I wanted to love?
I stopped. Sat up and screamed at him. I told him he had NO IDEA what he was putting me through. That every time he made me stop was an emotional war on myself. Girls can't get "blue balls" physically-but it takes a toll on us just as much if not more. I got up and slept on the couch until he apologized then I went back in but refused to touch him.
This wasn't a first. But it was the last. After I left him I was not even able to think a sexual thought for several months. Sure I felt it built up inside of me but it wasn't worth the pain of the memory. Then finally one day i gave it a shot... and cried through the whole thing. My first successful sexual thought/personal intimate moment was 6 months after I left him.
People warned me, friends and family and Dee all warned me that it would be hard when I was finally WITH someone. They would have to be trusting and understanding etc.
Onward a bit, I became Primal. Primal living/getting healthy SPIKES the libido. Every PBer I have met has had the same experience and it is almost annoying. So keep this in mind.
The first time I was with someone after my ex was almost exactly one year after I left him. Ironically enough it was the person who was referred to as _____ before. He and I were considering a relationship but mostly he was someone who has loved me through all of it, every single thing I have done and been in the last 6 years and he has been my friend. I was alone and lost and needed that. He was loving and caring. Looking back-do I wish I could change it-Not really. I guess I wish I would have/could have waited for someone who is more serious and more my type sexually and romantically but he was there, and he was sweet.
Now there is a new bone/wrench/whatever. The second guy I was with was a mistake. Probably the only regret I have ever had and will ever have in my entire life. I knew him enough, two weeks is longer than some people wait. I felt comfortable and he was kind. We were in a monogamous relationship. However, there was a problem. Not only that but he and I had perfect chemistry in everything but the bedroom.
Now, the next person I am with will have to be patient, and kind, and gentle, and understanding, and willing and loving... etc. The list seriously goes on for days. I almost wish I could be with someone who has been through what I have been through. My most recent boyfriend tried to rush it and when I tried to explain he wouldn't listen, so he is no longer that person for me. I can't be rushed. I can't. I need to be loved slowly and gently because I break easily.
I am so disappointed that my intimate history is so fucked up (for lack of better words). I really wish there were something I could do to edit-undo the whole thing, but I can't. I can only control what happens from here. Unfortunately my mind turns off when I am horny and lonely. Kiss me and it takes 20 seconds for my mind to recover, touch me and it takes another 30, kiss my neck or ears or legs... FORGET ABOUT IT... I am done for. This is why I have to think as hard and well as I can BEFORE the kisses. I think it is the control factor still. I think there is something that was instilled in me. I still enjoy the idea of it-oddly enough. I watched the movie "the secretary" and could totally relate and found it enticing. The thing is, if a person loves you enough, those situations are comforting instead of power struggles.
I suppose that is all. I feel better now, this was really weighing on me today. I am glad I was able to write about it instead.
Good night,
Angel
Monday, September 27, 2010
The Dream that Freed me
I have had a lot of dreams over the years, a lot. Probably an average of 300 or more per year that I remembered and probably about 50 that I can still remember vividly to this day. Since leaving John I have had a lot of dreams about him, or had at least.
There was a dream that I had a few months ago that I thought I documented, but I didn't so Now I will. The reason this dream is so significant is not only what happens IN the dream but also what has happened since the dream. Since this dream I have not had one dream about John. I have dreamed about his family and friends in various ways, but he is never a part of my dreams anymore-he has zero control of me conscious or sub-consciously.
The dream (or nightmare)...
I went to a movie theatre known as the Elks with someone (I think it was my mom or my best friend I can no longer remember). This movie theatre is the most beautiful place and it is what is known as a cheap-theater which makes it just that much better!
I went to the movie and had a sneaking suspicion/sense that he was present. While in the movie nothing happened but at one point I went to the bathroom and felt I was being followed. I turned in my tracks and told him to leave me alone, I couldn't see him yet.
I got into the bathroom and heard him again this time when I turned he was there. He looked like a vicious monster/him. He was definitely recognizable. I ran into the bathroom stall and shut it. I tried to reason with him but he wouldn't listen. he continually told me I was fat and ugly and not worth his time and that he hated me and he was planning to make my life hell. I tried very hard to calm him down and talk to him but it wouldn't work and he continually reached under and over the stall. I jumped on top of the stall and grabbed a golf-driver. I hopped back down and said "Please-don't make me do this..." he pushed on the stall but I could see his right foot (the injured one) right where I could hit it. I smashed his foot. He fell to the ground. I could have left him laying there to cry in his pain but instead I took the driver and beat him. Until he died.
John has not appeared in my dreams since. And every time something comes up that reminds me of him or where I have to talk to him or read something about him, I have no feelings of weakness. Sometimes I miss the companionship (but I could have that with anyone). I sometimes miss our humor (But it really wasn't THAT great)... really there is nothing I miss enough to ever consider being with him again.
I don't blame John for everything. I am a grown woman and made my own choices. I did choose to leave him and I know that it will take him longer to work through it than it did me because of the position I was in when I left (if he ever chooses to work through it). I also know that we both had set standards for each other that the other could not possibly reach, that is a factor. He did not have to abuse me, no, but he did. I didn't have to stay-which is why I left.
So far, so good. I am doing really well keeping my head on. I have tried 3 relationships with 3 different people. They didn't work. I ended them. Two of them are "heartbroken" but I am certain they will survive. I will not put myself in a relationship i don't deserve ever again. And with my head screwed on straight-there is really nothing to worry about.
Take care,
Angel
There was a dream that I had a few months ago that I thought I documented, but I didn't so Now I will. The reason this dream is so significant is not only what happens IN the dream but also what has happened since the dream. Since this dream I have not had one dream about John. I have dreamed about his family and friends in various ways, but he is never a part of my dreams anymore-he has zero control of me conscious or sub-consciously.
The dream (or nightmare)...
I went to a movie theatre known as the Elks with someone (I think it was my mom or my best friend I can no longer remember). This movie theatre is the most beautiful place and it is what is known as a cheap-theater which makes it just that much better!
I went to the movie and had a sneaking suspicion/sense that he was present. While in the movie nothing happened but at one point I went to the bathroom and felt I was being followed. I turned in my tracks and told him to leave me alone, I couldn't see him yet.
I got into the bathroom and heard him again this time when I turned he was there. He looked like a vicious monster/him. He was definitely recognizable. I ran into the bathroom stall and shut it. I tried to reason with him but he wouldn't listen. he continually told me I was fat and ugly and not worth his time and that he hated me and he was planning to make my life hell. I tried very hard to calm him down and talk to him but it wouldn't work and he continually reached under and over the stall. I jumped on top of the stall and grabbed a golf-driver. I hopped back down and said "Please-don't make me do this..." he pushed on the stall but I could see his right foot (the injured one) right where I could hit it. I smashed his foot. He fell to the ground. I could have left him laying there to cry in his pain but instead I took the driver and beat him. Until he died.
John has not appeared in my dreams since. And every time something comes up that reminds me of him or where I have to talk to him or read something about him, I have no feelings of weakness. Sometimes I miss the companionship (but I could have that with anyone). I sometimes miss our humor (But it really wasn't THAT great)... really there is nothing I miss enough to ever consider being with him again.
I don't blame John for everything. I am a grown woman and made my own choices. I did choose to leave him and I know that it will take him longer to work through it than it did me because of the position I was in when I left (if he ever chooses to work through it). I also know that we both had set standards for each other that the other could not possibly reach, that is a factor. He did not have to abuse me, no, but he did. I didn't have to stay-which is why I left.
So far, so good. I am doing really well keeping my head on. I have tried 3 relationships with 3 different people. They didn't work. I ended them. Two of them are "heartbroken" but I am certain they will survive. I will not put myself in a relationship i don't deserve ever again. And with my head screwed on straight-there is really nothing to worry about.
Take care,
Angel
Monday, August 16, 2010
Average Superhero
Through the years and the tears
the heartache and fears
Lives we’ve lost, paths have crossed
Through the joy and the pain
the laughter and strain
This truth remains the same:
I’m grateful for what I have
Thankful for who I am
Those who have touched me
left an impression in my plan
So take my hand and understand
this life I lead is rarely planned, never bland
but if you try you can vie for a piece of this pie
the lies have died and I no longer deny
who I am inside
I’ve got control, I’m here for the long haul
I work till I break
then pick myself up and reinstate
There’s not a day I’ll stop fighting
I’m not one to give in
so if you’ll be the side kick
up for tag teaming this shit
there’s no way we can’t win
So come on in and begin
to get with the picture, its crystal clear again
where I go from here is up-up and away
from this pen I’ve been livin' in
Take the freedom to fly
the right to fight
responsibility to try and treat myself right
I’m takin' over
so if you’re up for the ride
take a hold of my shoulders
up-up and away we will fly.
the heartache and fears
Lives we’ve lost, paths have crossed
Through the joy and the pain
the laughter and strain
This truth remains the same:
I’m grateful for what I have
Thankful for who I am
Those who have touched me
left an impression in my plan
So take my hand and understand
this life I lead is rarely planned, never bland
but if you try you can vie for a piece of this pie
the lies have died and I no longer deny
who I am inside
I’ve got control, I’m here for the long haul
I work till I break
then pick myself up and reinstate
There’s not a day I’ll stop fighting
I’m not one to give in
so if you’ll be the side kick
up for tag teaming this shit
there’s no way we can’t win
So come on in and begin
to get with the picture, its crystal clear again
where I go from here is up-up and away
from this pen I’ve been livin' in
Take the freedom to fly
the right to fight
responsibility to try and treat myself right
I’m takin' over
so if you’re up for the ride
take a hold of my shoulders
up-up and away we will fly.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Looking Back
Wow... SO i just read through my blog.
Sorry for all the rage... seems like I only posted when I needed to complain. ahh well such is the reason for a journal in the first place.
I had another interesting John event this week. I got a call from a payday loan place asking if I knew where he was because I was a reference on his loan. I then proceeded to text him and tell him they were looking for him. He then told me to lie and say I dont know him. I told him i didnt feel comfortable lying. The events unfolded and somewhere he told me to fuck off and called me a fucking fatty and told me I ruined his finances and that he really is the asshole I told him he was. etc. And now I know,that things have officially changed. Before, even just a couple months ago, this would have had me distraught. Now, nothing... absolutely nothing. And I am financially way ahead of where I was with him When I left him he had 0 debt... so he really cant blame me for whatever he dug into.
So what did I do? called the payday loan place and gave them all the phone numbers of HIS friends and relatives... because apparently they called Tove and Mom too.. WOW.
Wanna know something awesome? HE MOVED BACK TO ARKANSAS!!!
Looking over the shoulder shall never happen again. I can go anywhere anytime without worry about his sorry ass.
Lovely! :)
I am doing quite well.
I just took the NIC.. yes...THE NIC!!!!I will know sometime between now and 6 months from now.
Right before I took it I had a nightmare... LOL
you would think it would be something about my skills... my mind going blank or something... YOU THINK WRONG!
I got up (In the dream) and got dressed in my legislature outfit... drove to CSD to take the test. When I arrived I went to the bathroom before I started... I looked in the mirror and I was wearing Plaid pants with my TYE DYE SHIRT!!! I freaked... I asked the LTA if I could change quick and she said "you cant go home but you can go to the thrift store in the basement" So I went... and it was a thrift store that ONLY sells Rock and Roll T shirts... SO i grabbed a black iron maden t and turned it inside out.
Test went great... when I was done she said "Your results will come on Sept 5th" and then I woke up. lol
So... I took the test. It went really well. I feel good about it.
I feel good about a lot of things. Life is great.
:)
Angel
Sorry for all the rage... seems like I only posted when I needed to complain. ahh well such is the reason for a journal in the first place.
I had another interesting John event this week. I got a call from a payday loan place asking if I knew where he was because I was a reference on his loan. I then proceeded to text him and tell him they were looking for him. He then told me to lie and say I dont know him. I told him i didnt feel comfortable lying. The events unfolded and somewhere he told me to fuck off and called me a fucking fatty and told me I ruined his finances and that he really is the asshole I told him he was. etc. And now I know,that things have officially changed. Before, even just a couple months ago, this would have had me distraught. Now, nothing... absolutely nothing. And I am financially way ahead of where I was with him When I left him he had 0 debt... so he really cant blame me for whatever he dug into.
So what did I do? called the payday loan place and gave them all the phone numbers of HIS friends and relatives... because apparently they called Tove and Mom too.. WOW.
Wanna know something awesome? HE MOVED BACK TO ARKANSAS!!!
Looking over the shoulder shall never happen again. I can go anywhere anytime without worry about his sorry ass.
Lovely! :)
I am doing quite well.
I just took the NIC.. yes...THE NIC!!!!I will know sometime between now and 6 months from now.
Right before I took it I had a nightmare... LOL
you would think it would be something about my skills... my mind going blank or something... YOU THINK WRONG!
I got up (In the dream) and got dressed in my legislature outfit... drove to CSD to take the test. When I arrived I went to the bathroom before I started... I looked in the mirror and I was wearing Plaid pants with my TYE DYE SHIRT!!! I freaked... I asked the LTA if I could change quick and she said "you cant go home but you can go to the thrift store in the basement" So I went... and it was a thrift store that ONLY sells Rock and Roll T shirts... SO i grabbed a black iron maden t and turned it inside out.
Test went great... when I was done she said "Your results will come on Sept 5th" and then I woke up. lol
So... I took the test. It went really well. I feel good about it.
I feel good about a lot of things. Life is great.
:)
Angel
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Another life changing event
I wrote this on July 11th when I still wasn't sure... but had a feeling:
I feel lost and lonely and afraid.
I feel like nothing's going right.
I have a logical mind working overtime
To battle my emotional heart.
I hear constant screaming in my head
Overwhelming sense of dread.
But logically knowing there is hope.
How do i handle this new wrench?
Why should I have to?
I want to scream "It's not fair!"
But we all know that has nothing to do with it.
It's not fair, no, but it is reality.
I will pull through this hardship
Like I have so many that came before it...
I am a survivor.
It's what I do.
Angel
7/11/2010
I feel lost and lonely and afraid.
I feel like nothing's going right.
I have a logical mind working overtime
To battle my emotional heart.
I hear constant screaming in my head
Overwhelming sense of dread.
But logically knowing there is hope.
How do i handle this new wrench?
Why should I have to?
I want to scream "It's not fair!"
But we all know that has nothing to do with it.
It's not fair, no, but it is reality.
I will pull through this hardship
Like I have so many that came before it...
I am a survivor.
It's what I do.
Angel
7/11/2010
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