I am Yours-A potential love letter...

Dear you,

I shouldn’t be waiting, but I can’t help it.
I really can’t describe the way I feel.
Things have gone so wrong in so many ways
But this feels right, am I wrong?
I am scared half to death of what fate holds in store.
But still I look to the past and all I see is love.
All I see is compassion.
I look back and I remember the flowers and the late nights
I remember the reactions and the conversations
The love and commitment shown throughout the years
I don’t know how to take it.
Is it wrong? Am I wrong?
I feel overwhelmed right now because of excitement
I don’t want to be too excited but I can’t help it.
I have to admit I am sad when we go,
I have to tell you I am bummed when you don’t show.
I have to let you know I am selfish and scared
I am sometimes not nice, and sometimes sad
Sometimes I argue for no reason
And sometimes I need more attention than I should.
But I also must tell you that if you love me
If you truly love me the way you seem to
If you love me the way you have loved me all these years…
I will love you back.
I will love you so hard it hurts.
I will love you until we cry and laugh at the same time.
People back home will know I love you, people on the streets will know.
If you take care of me, I will love you until the end of time.
But don’t hurt me.
I am scared, I am terrified, and I need security.
I need freedom and security and trust and control
And I need unconditional never-ending love straight from the fairy tales.
If you love me the way I think you can,
I am yours.

<3 Angel

Peace and bisexuality

So... I am back after a long trek of nothing.

I have come to peace with a lot of things in my life. I have emailed with John and told him I forgive him and I really feel like that left us in a good place. I have done the same with others and feel absolutely no animosity toward anyone at this moment. It is a great feeling one of peace and tranquility.

I am trying to focus on the things that are best for me, at this point I am still unsure of what those things may be. One of which is to find a job as an interpreter, in Sioux falls that would be easy, in Rapid that would be easy, In colorado... not quite as much, but I am still trying. I may or may not live with Brett, recent events have helped me to realize that he might not be ready to live with me and I know that I can't afford to live with someone who may have a negative impact on my life. Mom doesn't like this, but that's her deal not mine.

My future is uncertain, but I am young and that is okay. I know that as long as I can I want to enjoy life for what it has to offer. Go to conferences, attend workshops, learn and love and live. Because that is all we have.

I am looking great, feeling great, and things are just getting better.

Now as far as the second half of my title is concerned, I have always felt like I have been bisexual and quite possibly gay. I have had SEVERAL female crushes in my day and have struggled with the issue a lot. I am at peace with being gay or bi or whatever but I am more concerned at the unrest it might bring to those who love me. I have already accepted it but it might take them a while longer.

I have always kind of felt like my mom has tried to steer me AWAY from anything from the norm. Not that she did it perposfully I think it is a CW thing, but at the same time it has always been there. When I had a crush on a black guy when I was younger she said "Well honey, you would have to put up with a lot of other hardships on top of the hard part of being in a relationship in general, I just don't want you to have to do that." Well mom... what if I was gay? Wanna talk about hardships? My own mother doesn't believe that gay people should be married, it kills me. Oh well though, that is her opinion, I can't change who I am for her. I love me for who I am. I hope my next relationship is with a woman, because then I will know more if I am gay or if I am just confused.

Here is a poem I wrote about my first serious gay crush:

Tuesday, September 06, 2005
AHHHHHHH

Why is it every time i crush on someone, the minute after i admit that i like them... to someone else or myself, it seems they couldnt dispise me more?

I want to dance with you, sing with you, Play with you all night.

Hold you close. Push you away, feel your arms around me.

Please dont go... Invite me to come, you know how i am about cutting in...

I want to be with you at all times... leave me here... alone. Ill stay.

Ive stayed... and strayed and now i am done being this way.

I know that you know, how could you not, no wonder you got so sick of me so quickly.

Im overbearing and annoying. Redundant even. I am pushy and clingy.

I always want you around... stick around... stay with me one more night.

Good night.





Well that is it for now,

Good night moon.

Manda

What the fuck?

I just hate that when I think I am being myself finally, and it is going to be fine, then I get slammed back down on the pavement. I feel like it really is either lie all the time or be a bad person... and either way I would be a bad person. I don't want to be perceived as a crass bitch, I am not at all that way... but yet, apparently that is what they see. I hate it. And I know sometimes I talk too much... I just need to start separating myself from the rest of it i guess... it's over... there is Amanda and there is the interpreter Amanda... and that is that. I hate this. It isn't fair that when I finally am feeling good about something I have to be told that I am not mature enough for it... this is bull shit. I just want to scream. Whatever, I will grow up, I will grow up and shut up if that is what they want.

Angel

I don't like my family?

I am a bit ticked off lately. Not only am I the busiest fucking person I know but I have also discovered things about myself and my future that I just am not cheerful about. I don't even really know where to begin with explaining it other than with the meaning behind the title.

D and I have been working a lot on a lot of things, mainly learning more about myself and then seeing where that takes me. Well over break when I was with my family I learned that I have a hard time liking them. I understand them fine, and I guess they are accepting of the me that they want me to be (Which is always something different everyday) but... they are ignorant, rude, negative, and annoying... And that's really not even the half of it. I don't do them justice by lying about who I am around them, D says, but then again why should I? I love them to death don't get me wrong. I can't imagine my life without them, without them I wouldn't be me... and that would be pointless. I am just really aggravated that I have to work so damn hard to please them all the time. Of course that is my choice... so I plan to choose to stop it.

I don't know where this is going. I do love my family a lot and I don't want to come off as some snobby bitch who always wants her way and hates life... but really it is annoying having to pretend to be someone I am not. It is scary learning how much I don't like my family. I am disappointed in my mom... how the fuck do I tell her that?

Mom-You should have been there... a normal mom would have been there... why weren't you there? Why did you let me throw my childhood away? Why did you HELP me throw my childhood away? What did I do to deserve this?

I explained to D the horror of my situation... I have both of them wanting me to be a baby... when they want me to be... and then they want me to be their friend... on their beck and call, and then they want me to be the foundation, the rock for the family that keeps them going. I am sorry but I can't nor do I want to be all of those things. I just want to be your equal please! I just want to feel loved and love you and that's that... I don't want to be the rock and I don't want to be the fucking baby...

I am not a baby. I am younger than both of them, I am my mom's child yes... but I am not a baby. I am a grown woman who still has a lot of growing to do... I am smart and talented and open minded and I hate being called a baby by someone I can't really respect. Does that make sense?

Oh god I feel like a horrible person for even saying these things. I should just be grateful for what I have and move on with it... but I am not (apparently)

Maybe one day I will be.

And then Brett... don't even get me started on Brett. He is kinda a douche bag... he doesn't think he is because he hates that term... fine he isnt a db he is an ahole... is that better really or are they about equal? To be so ignorant and yet so full of yourself is unappealing. He is a great guy and most of his traits are one I would love to find in a guy... but there are definitely things about him that just piss me off. And he doesn't seem to care at all. I know there are things about me that piss him off but what the fuck really? Maybe we shouldn't live together, maybe it is a bad idea after all.

I don't know anymore...

I just want all of my relationships to be as easy as the one I have with Tove... why is that too much to ask?

*sigh*

Alas (:)
Good night.

ANGEL

Peace

I need to find my inner peace... i can tell I am getting closer, I am not making it a goal, but it needs to happen. Not necessarily soon, just needs to happen in general. I am seriously suffering here... I think the pain is the real me tearing through the flesh of the facade that has been ruling the roost for so damned long. I am quite sure that this will be the end of it. Once I can lay shit out on the table with my family and just start being me... things will get better. I enjoy being a happy person, yes, but does happiness always come with a smile? I can be content and not lie. I am so used to jumping to the comfortable smile people are so used to seeing with me... I need to get comfortable with jumping to the ME people aren't used to seeing.

I am so care free but am I free of care? Absolutely not, it takes more energy for me to be the person I think they want to see when in reality, I need to be me. I can't carry on this way anymore especially considering the fact that my life will soon get more complex with my work being my number one priority something that will impact me emotionally quite often. I need to be able to be myself.

sick of this

I am so fucking sick of feeling so angry. My heart just aches and I just cry and cry and it won't go away. I am angry with everyone and I don't know how to handle it and then it makes me feel so lonely and isolated too... I just to know what to think or feel right now. i am really just feeling like death inside. I feel great but horrible at the same time i am just fucking stuck... god. Then it's like I am bugging brett or something and its like dude I don't want to bug you or whatever but fuck just return my calls or answer when I call or listen to me when I talk or something! come on! And then I talk to mom and she's like "I know you're bored but I have work to do" and maybe I do call cause I am bored, that is probably the reason... but I want SOMETHING I feel like I give so much and get so little in return I am expected to be the fricking foundation for our family, the support beams through all the shit we have been through and yet when I want a little bit of attention for something I feel like it is not there. Sure I want to go back to RC a week early why the fuck wouldn't I but at the same time once I get there and we get into conversations I won't be able to hold my own anyway. Shit. And then here it's like here or there... well if I had to pick I would pick there for sure. HERE it is fucking TORTURE! these people are freaks! They are old and douche bags They're old and I am young and they expect something from me and I don't expect that from them and it's dumb as shit! I just have this rage within me making me want to break things and hurt shit and eat... and I don't really WANT to eat but I WANT to eat you know what I mean?! God this is horrifying I am not even close to the bubbly person everyone, including myself, thinks I am. What do I do now? How do I embrace the new girl who is just not that girl?

Where's the anger from?...

I discovered today that I am angry. Anger is not a bad thing like I once thought it was… it is funny cause with the discovery of being angry I realized I am angry with my mom and my brother. Not with them right now but with them and the past. For example, I am angry with my mom for putting so much emotional stress on me when I was just a young teenager. For telling me everything that was going on in her divorce with my dad while it was unfolding in front of my eyes. For not controlling her drinking during the divorce and for jumping so quickly to moving and then being with Clint. It was like dad was barely gone and Clint was in the picture. And sure, he was just her friend and they didn’t sleep together or anything, but we all know what he was a replacement for. When Clint was just barely faded John was in the picture. I am angry with her not taking care of herself emotionally and spiritually the way she says she has. I am angry that she lectures me about taking better care of myself when she doesn’t take as good of care of herself as she should. I am angry with the idea that anger has to be a bad thing. When did it get this bad “rap”? I think anger is healthy. It is important. I am angry with my brother for leaving me to carry it all. I carried it all and I am angry about it. I am angry with my brother for wasting his life, he has a perfectly good one and he wasted half of it… I am not angry at him now, this doesn’t mean I have to hate him or be mad at him, but the anger is there and I have to work through it. I have to process it before I can be happy from my toes to my eyes.