Losing my family...

This week I went through a lot with a variety of things. In general the last 7 weeks of my life have been a roller coaster ride and once I am comfortable with being happy it is time to not be happy anymore.

One thing that I am struggling with is family. The reason is I uncovered a lot of feelings with Dee on Tuesday... and then with what's been going on in the Josie case... it is looking like my mom has to leave them... for good. She has forgotten to take care of her, and that is what is most important, it has to be.

It is so painful knowing that mom has to go through this again... and it is painful for me to go through it again... this is the third time in my life I have lost a family, second time this year. Now I am not saying you were my family by any means, I don't miss what we had, what we had hurt more than anything anyone can imagine, BUT with you came a few great people, and it was harder for me to say goodbye to them than it was to say good bye to you.

It is scary. But at the same time it is reassuring that the right place for us right now is Colorado. Brett just got there yesterday and he is so happy... and I had a great day today, found out I might get 75 maybe even 82 grand a year in Colorado which is home to me. I am really happy in my professional life, but my personal life is another story. It is so hard to be torn in two right now and to have to deal with it alone.

I am not saying you were there for me. As a matter of fact it was the opposite, whatever that is. You were never there for me you never cared enough about what was important to me to be there to support me... but it is very hard to be alone right now. It is like 3:30 at night and I am just scared to move because I am not sure of what to do next. I do fine when I have structure, I have structure. Classes are at this time every day... assignments are at this time every week... standard, easy to remember... okay i get that. But what about right now... 3:30 alone, tired, torn, mixed feelings... where do I go now, What do i do now? How am I supposed to feel right now?

I feel like with the loss of my family at such a crucial age maybe I lost a huge part of who I am as well... maybe I lost the ability to make those decisions... I am not sure. I feel like a sad lonely little girl trapped without a family or friends... im scared

but I have support... that must not be what I need. What I need is my own support? confidence? I don't know... I am having a hard time with Wednesdays apparently this year... lol ... Torn in two once again... I really feel like I should be driving to Rapid City right now... just to be there for her... I feel so bad that she has to go through this alone. Its not fair to her... she was there for me... i was there for her before... when it really wasn't appropriate, but she is my best friend and I should be there for her. I don't mean I have to go crazy with it or anything, I just need to be there to love and support her and give her a big loving hug... just that much ... that's all I ask, but is that too much? Am I supposed to just sit here and hold back and let them go through all of this alone? that kills me... i don't want to fix it, I just want to be there... to listen, to hug, to take her mind off of it for a minute, to help her build up the strength... she would do it for me in a heart beat.

I really don't know, maybe I just need to let myself cry more. I am going through a lot of emotions lately and it is important to get the emotions out not bottle them up, it is hard for me to do that...

*sigh*

I will talk with Dee about it more tomorrow morning... I figure I will have a decision by then.

good night
angel

Almost Done

You tore me apart, you ripped me in two. You stomped on my heart and didn't give a shit. You let me go just far enough to yank me back in ... you killed my spirit, my happiness... my life.

You ate away at my entire being and cared not what you did. You kept me from those who love me and forced me to see that you didn't... you took everything I had and never appreciated it. You ate it all up and cared not one bit.

You took for granted my weaknesses, used them against me. You took up my time and changed who I am... you knew I was weak and you preyed upon me and you cared not at all what you did.

I look back now and try to figure out how I could let this happen, I look back and scream when I remember the pain... I can't keep myself from this, this anger this pain... I can't stop the hurt you buried inside of me. I am terrified to let go, what will happen then? I am scared to just live and be at peace with who I am... what if I don't like me... what if I have changed too much?

I look at your pictures your profiles and emails, I try to avoid them but there is no way to escape. In this world we live in there are so many connecting threads between you and I how will I escape what will I do.

I have to move forward and focus on me, what is best for Amanda and who she can be... I have to understand there is nothing I can control except the things I can and those are where my efforts must stand.

I'm not sorry for hurting you or whatever I have done. I am not sorry for scaring you into realizing what you've become... as a matter of fact YOU'RE WELCOME because I know one day you will wish you had thanked me... You were an ass, you were a jerk, you were controlling and hurtful, you never loved me not the real me and you hurt me and used and abused me... and you're welcome for introducing you to the leach of a human you are... you will one day thank me for coming this far.

I am not sorry that I take this all back, I am not sorry that I focus on myself, I am not sorry for the leaps and bounds I have made since the past has past... Good bye-farewell... i hope to never see your sorry face again, and if you do appear in my life you better walk away quickly...

Soon enough the letter will arrive declaring my freedom and when it does I will be ME again I will take it everywhere and scream from rooftops... Free at last free at last thank god almighty I am free at last... and you will be gone... erased from my mind, from my memories from time... You will be gone for good.

Toodle-loo
Angel