Peace and bisexuality

So... I am back after a long trek of nothing.

I have come to peace with a lot of things in my life. I have emailed with John and told him I forgive him and I really feel like that left us in a good place. I have done the same with others and feel absolutely no animosity toward anyone at this moment. It is a great feeling one of peace and tranquility.

I am trying to focus on the things that are best for me, at this point I am still unsure of what those things may be. One of which is to find a job as an interpreter, in Sioux falls that would be easy, in Rapid that would be easy, In colorado... not quite as much, but I am still trying. I may or may not live with Brett, recent events have helped me to realize that he might not be ready to live with me and I know that I can't afford to live with someone who may have a negative impact on my life. Mom doesn't like this, but that's her deal not mine.

My future is uncertain, but I am young and that is okay. I know that as long as I can I want to enjoy life for what it has to offer. Go to conferences, attend workshops, learn and love and live. Because that is all we have.

I am looking great, feeling great, and things are just getting better.

Now as far as the second half of my title is concerned, I have always felt like I have been bisexual and quite possibly gay. I have had SEVERAL female crushes in my day and have struggled with the issue a lot. I am at peace with being gay or bi or whatever but I am more concerned at the unrest it might bring to those who love me. I have already accepted it but it might take them a while longer.

I have always kind of felt like my mom has tried to steer me AWAY from anything from the norm. Not that she did it perposfully I think it is a CW thing, but at the same time it has always been there. When I had a crush on a black guy when I was younger she said "Well honey, you would have to put up with a lot of other hardships on top of the hard part of being in a relationship in general, I just don't want you to have to do that." Well mom... what if I was gay? Wanna talk about hardships? My own mother doesn't believe that gay people should be married, it kills me. Oh well though, that is her opinion, I can't change who I am for her. I love me for who I am. I hope my next relationship is with a woman, because then I will know more if I am gay or if I am just confused.

Here is a poem I wrote about my first serious gay crush:

Tuesday, September 06, 2005
AHHHHHHH

Why is it every time i crush on someone, the minute after i admit that i like them... to someone else or myself, it seems they couldnt dispise me more?

I want to dance with you, sing with you, Play with you all night.

Hold you close. Push you away, feel your arms around me.

Please dont go... Invite me to come, you know how i am about cutting in...

I want to be with you at all times... leave me here... alone. Ill stay.

Ive stayed... and strayed and now i am done being this way.

I know that you know, how could you not, no wonder you got so sick of me so quickly.

Im overbearing and annoying. Redundant even. I am pushy and clingy.

I always want you around... stick around... stay with me one more night.

Good night.





Well that is it for now,

Good night moon.

Manda