The Dream that Freed me

I have had a lot of dreams over the years, a lot. Probably an average of 300 or more per year that I remembered and probably about 50 that I can still remember vividly to this day. Since leaving John I have had a lot of dreams about him, or had at least.

There was a dream that I had a few months ago that I thought I documented, but I didn't so Now I will. The reason this dream is so significant is not only what happens IN the dream but also what has happened since the dream. Since this dream I have not had one dream about John. I have dreamed about his family and friends in various ways, but he is never a part of my dreams anymore-he has zero control of me conscious or sub-consciously.

The dream (or nightmare)...

I went to a movie theatre known as the Elks with someone (I think it was my mom or my best friend I can no longer remember). This movie theatre is the most beautiful place and it is what is known as a cheap-theater which makes it just that much better!

I went to the movie and had a sneaking suspicion/sense that he was present. While in the movie nothing happened but at one point I went to the bathroom and felt I was being followed. I turned in my tracks and told him to leave me alone, I couldn't see him yet.

I got into the bathroom and heard him again this time when I turned he was there. He looked like a vicious monster/him. He was definitely recognizable. I ran into the bathroom stall and shut it. I tried to reason with him but he wouldn't listen. he continually told me I was fat and ugly and not worth his time and that he hated me and he was planning to make my life hell. I tried very hard to calm him down and talk to him but it wouldn't work and he continually reached under and over the stall. I jumped on top of the stall and grabbed a golf-driver. I hopped back down and said "Please-don't make me do this..." he pushed on the stall but I could see his right foot (the injured one) right where I could hit it. I smashed his foot. He fell to the ground. I could have left him laying there to cry in his pain but instead I took the driver and beat him. Until he died.

John has not appeared in my dreams since. And every time something comes up that reminds me of him or where I have to talk to him or read something about him, I have no feelings of weakness. Sometimes I miss the companionship (but I could have that with anyone). I sometimes miss our humor (But it really wasn't THAT great)... really there is nothing I miss enough to ever consider being with him again.

I don't blame John for everything. I am a grown woman and made my own choices. I did choose to leave him and I know that it will take him longer to work through it than it did me because of the position I was in when I left (if he ever chooses to work through it). I also know that we both had set standards for each other that the other could not possibly reach, that is a factor. He did not have to abuse me, no, but he did. I didn't have to stay-which is why I left.

So far, so good. I am doing really well keeping my head on. I have tried 3 relationships with 3 different people. They didn't work. I ended them. Two of them are "heartbroken" but I am certain they will survive. I will not put myself in a relationship i don't deserve ever again. And with my head screwed on straight-there is really nothing to worry about.

Take care,

Angel