I was born open. I was born an open person in a closed family. I was born loving and considerate and non judgemental. I was born bisexual. I was born into a happy family. I was born to become the person I am. I was born to love.
When I was younger and the realization that I had an attraction to both men and women first came into being I was scared. I thought that it meant that I was finicky and afraid I would not find a mate in one sex so I opened myself to the second. I was also scared that it meant twice the heartbreak. My experiences as a bi-sexual have been interesting ones to say the least.
The very first crush I had was on a girl. She and I grew up together and we are still friends. She came out of the closet when we were 13, I liked her when we were 10. Then I had crushes on different guys and girls all throughout my life, but no love was ever requited. (Which was probably for the best)
My first love was my best friend who was extremely closed minded and, still, quite possibly closeted. We did things most teenage girls probably don't do together. The night that solidified my bi-sexuality was the night that solidified her homophobia... and we were never the same since. To me it was not meaningless, it was not exploration, it was love and compassion and real. That is when I realized that bi-sexuality, for me, was not a phase I could grow out of, it was there (as a part of me) forever.
My first kiss was one of my best friends (girl) to her it was just getting me over that "first kiss hump" to me it was a shot in the dark. I have had a crush on nearly every one of my female friends (most of them know it). I have made a point since coming out (to friends... not family) of being open and honest with people ESPECIALLY female friends, about my sexuality.
The thing is a lot of them admitted bi-sexuality as well... but then when they got into a serious monogamous relationship it seemed to dissipate easily for them. I kind of looked forward to that. The confusion of bi-sexuality has never been something I have grown accustomed to. When I married the Asshole it didn't go away. And what's worse is he made it into a defect. He continually pestered me about my female friends and told me that I was just a whore and a lesbian and couldn't ever really love anyone fully because of it. It hurt. I felt invalid and ashamed. I felt like there is truly something wrong with me that can't be fixed.
Not to mention, I come from a very loving and considerate family but their values, in terms of homosexuality especially, are very closed. I remember when I tried to come out to my mom after my divorce I figured that she would find a way to understand. My theory is that everyone is on a sliding scale of bi-sexuality and that mine might be further toward the lesbian side (making it hard for me to live without both sexes) and others are closer to the straight side making it easy for them to live in denial of their attraction to the same sex. I said something to my mom about how I loved my girlfriends and sometimes I wished that they weren't in relationships so I could be with them. I asked her if she understood. If she felt that same attraction to *** and *** (some of her REALLY close girl friends). She seemed astonished, and very insulted. I dropped it. Then every time two women or two men shared intimacy on the television or in public she would make a point to judge. I knew that I could never be there with her.
I also remember the first "Holy Family Day" mass we went to together when I was out. The Deacon was going on and on about how the holy family is a MOTHER and a FATHER and a SON and we should work our hardest to model our lives after them. It can not be a family with a FATHER and a FATHER or a MOTHER and a MOTHER or even a single mother or father. Also, God's goal for us is to continue to grow as a species so if we do not procreate we are not trying to mirror our lives after that of the Holy Family. I about died. My hands were clenched to the pew, my knuckles were white. I was IRATE. My mother left the mass feeling "refreshed" and saying how much she KNOWS that gay people's marriages are not appropriate in the eyes of god and they, unfortunately, will never know the true blessing of marriage. I felt my heart and soul die a little bit that day.
So then when I was single last year I gave serious consideration to starting a relationship with a woman. I figured maybe I was more of a lesbian than I thought and I found myself noticing women, more than men, who I might want to start a relationship with. I really wanted to put it on EHarmony when I was looking there (and found Amazing Fiance) but there was no bi-sexual option available. What is also interesting is my attraction to women and men is very similar. There is not a body type that I was looking for but the personality was nearly the same. Smart, nerdy, loving, non judgemental, interesting, interested... etc. (List goes on).
And then I met Amazing Guy. I am TOTALLY in love with him... I thought for sure this would be my chance for that other side of my coin to erode. It felt like it did temporarily but there has always been a part of me, no matter how big or small, that is going ... not unsatisfied... not unhappy... just... incomplete. I am truly bi-sexual. I want the family and I love the love I have with the most wonderful man in my life... but I need the relationship with a woman as well. I was able to satiate it for a time with my girl friends and going out with them but now they are all gone and all in monogamous and straight relationships.
With the worsening ache of emptiness encroaching on me I started back in my old, and not so good, habits. I struck up an old relationship with a friend which was entirely unhealthy. I knew it was unhealthy because from the start I felt dirty and unhappy. I felt sneaky and , still, incomplete. I was just trying to fill a hole, not figure out what was wrong.
One night when I was at the bottom with that friendship I was talking with a woman who has been my friend (and a crush of mine) for a year and a half. I some how got the overwhelming urge to confess to her my deepest and darkest secrets, secrets I have told NO ONE, and the feelings that I was having of incompleteness. She explained to me that I might be going to the wrong person considering she and her husband were in a Polyamerous relationship. I had NO IDEA what that meant-I also had NO IDEA that that would lead to the most relieving moment of my life.
She and I conducted a conversation about poly as well as bi-sexuality. I realized that maybe the feelings I had for her were there for a reason. Not only that but maybe they could be the answer to the question that was burning a hole in my heart and my head. She is married, she has children, she just feels the other half of her coin is incomplete... her other side matches my other side. She is my other other half. There is a hope in my heart that one day I can be still in a very true and monogamous relationship with Amazing Husband as well as with her simultaneously. I could be completed and no longer confused or embarrassed by who I am inside. I can easily see a future with the beautiful children my husband and I will love and raise and teach as well as with the woman I love as a vital part of our lives and us as a vital part of her, and her family's lives.
In my perfect world this will all work out. I can exist the way I was born to exist. I can love, and live and be loved and be who I am ... COMPLETELY not just partially. I can keep, love, value, treasure, appreciate and show BOTH sides of my coin.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
The past rears it's angry head
I have been seeing someone. For about 2 and a half months we have been dating, and for about 3 and a half months we have been communicating. He is remarkable, sweet, vulnerable, considerate, compassionate, understanding, funny, fun, family-centered, smart, interesting, nerdy... really everything.
I am the first girl he has ever dated for an extended period of time. I am also the first girl he has slept with. For a while the slow going of our relationship was because he is a virgin, or was at the time. It was perfect-exactly what I needed. Then one day the person holding us back was me, because I hadn't told him about my HSV. I told him and he was fine with it. Totally and completely fine and told me that it didn't change his feelings for me what so ever. That night we slept in the same bed and cuddled and things-and things were great. Better than anything or anyone I have ever been with in my entire life. It was remarkable. And I think my feelings for him heightened it even more. I have felt like I might be in love with him for probably a month and a half, and I have KNOWN for definitely over 2 weeks if not 3 or 4. He is remarkable, if I haven't said that enough already.
A bit of history before I go on. I have hinted and prodded at the type of sexual and sexually related emotional abuse that happened in my former marriage. Here is a flat out blatant description of it. My ex husband never did anything to please me. Ever. I think in the 3 and a half years we were together he touched me twice or three times, he didn't ever go down on me and he let me climax an average of once every one to two months (Not a joke). If he caught me masturbating or trying to get my climax from sex he would stop or yell at me depending on the situation. It was bad. Not only that he also used me giving him oral sex as a punishment and a daily requirement on my part. Prior to my relationship with him I really enjoyed giving oral sex. I am not one hundred percent sure why, but I always was fascinated with it and enjoyed the feeling of it and helping a man climax.
*Mentioning again* After we ended our relationship I took a hiatus from all things sexual for 6 months. The first experience sexually was me sobbing through masturbation. Slowly but surely I got to being my regular self again. I have always been very comfortable with my sexuality and talking about sex. I respect other people's boundaries and consider sex to be a most intimate thing, but don't see that as an excuse to ban if from conversation. Especially when a good chat with girlfriends can lead to an even better sex-life. I have always lived by the motto "A lady on the street but a freak in the sheets" and as long as I am with one partner through that, I find there to be absolutely nothing wrong with it.
Back to present day:
The new boyfriend and I have been intimate for over a week now, about five or six days in I decided (well in advance) that I was going to give him oral sex. This is (FYI) SEVERAL times after he personally saw to it that I was pleased over and over again 6 days in a row (amazing)... Did I mention my ex NEVER pleased me... yeah, this is all new. SO ... we are cuddling and making out and watching a movie and I slowly but surly work my way up to it. It took me 25-30 minutes before I was actually able to physically move my body down and do the deed. The minute my face moved past his belly button I was emotionally and mentally checked out. I barely remember what happened. I didn't put any heart in to it. I did what I used to do with my ex husband. I turned off all emotion and just got him where he wanted to be. When i was done i laid my head on his stomach and then got up and went to the bathroom. The rest of the evening was fine, he ended up somewhat returning the favor which was kind of him.
Fast forward 3 days. We have made out and had sex since then, nothing wrong, totally fine. New Years Eve night we are making out and his body language hints that he wants me to give him oral again... I went from horny to angry in less than a minute. I felt this rage pushing through me and I caught myself from yelling at him. I turned my head away... I took a deep breath... I looked at him and started to cry. Big huge crocodile tears streaming down my face as i look at the man I love while his face goes from wanting, to confused, to distraught. He grabbed me up in his arms and held me for a few minutes. I wiped the tears away and said "It's my ex, he ruined everything..." and that is all I could say. I got up and went to the bathroom and convinced him we needed to go to HyVee for some champagne and snacks.
That night was okay, a bit awkward but it worked out alright in the end. The next morning we were cuddling on the couch, clothed. (nice alliteration) And started kissing. It was like we always kiss-I like his kisses he doesn't use tongue. Well this time his tongue snuck in, twice. The angry head came rearing again... I felt my face get hot and my heart start on fire and then i went numb. (Side story-my ex husband rarely kissed me and refused to kiss me with tongue because I "Just couldn't do it the right way" to give him *Credit* he tried to "teach" me but this idiot is just so damned unteachable... Onward) My brain was gone, my heart was gone, i felt like all the love I had for him was gone. All I could think was "we have to break up" "I have to break up with him" "I don't love him" "I HATE HIM" and then i felt his hand on my cheek... it was wet. I opened my eyes and realized i was crying again. "FUCKING A!!!" I screamed "Why does he have to do this? Why can't he just leave me alone!?" And then i bawled and sobbed and sobbed and bawled. And Amazing Boyfriend scooped me into his arms again and held me as i cried. I pulled away for a bit and starred into space for a while until I realized I was shutting off my emotions again so I let them come forward and I SOBBED and BAWLED into his shoulder some more.
His response? "Whenever you feel ready to talk, I am here to listen... Until then just do what you feel comfortable with."
I can't imagine what is going through this poor kid's head. A virgin, his first girlfriend, and when he kisses her her eyes fill with fear, then anger, then tears... and all he wants is for me to feel comfortable. I am a wreck. I am a ball of landmines ready to go off, and he is okay with that.
I have an appointment with my counselor on Tuesday. I really look forward to going over this with her. I told him I am not sure I can talk about it until then and he lovingly grabbed my cheeks and kissed me softly and then looked into my eyes with his which happened to be green tonight and said "Sweetie, I meant it when I said, 'when EVER you are READY' no sooner... I will wait. " *MELT*
I found the one... And he is willing to wait for me to get all my crazy in check. Amazing.
Happy New Year, Merry Christmas, And I hope next time I write it is good news about working through this scary demon of an issue I have facing me.
Thanks for reading
Angel
I am the first girl he has ever dated for an extended period of time. I am also the first girl he has slept with. For a while the slow going of our relationship was because he is a virgin, or was at the time. It was perfect-exactly what I needed. Then one day the person holding us back was me, because I hadn't told him about my HSV. I told him and he was fine with it. Totally and completely fine and told me that it didn't change his feelings for me what so ever. That night we slept in the same bed and cuddled and things-and things were great. Better than anything or anyone I have ever been with in my entire life. It was remarkable. And I think my feelings for him heightened it even more. I have felt like I might be in love with him for probably a month and a half, and I have KNOWN for definitely over 2 weeks if not 3 or 4. He is remarkable, if I haven't said that enough already.
A bit of history before I go on. I have hinted and prodded at the type of sexual and sexually related emotional abuse that happened in my former marriage. Here is a flat out blatant description of it. My ex husband never did anything to please me. Ever. I think in the 3 and a half years we were together he touched me twice or three times, he didn't ever go down on me and he let me climax an average of once every one to two months (Not a joke). If he caught me masturbating or trying to get my climax from sex he would stop or yell at me depending on the situation. It was bad. Not only that he also used me giving him oral sex as a punishment and a daily requirement on my part. Prior to my relationship with him I really enjoyed giving oral sex. I am not one hundred percent sure why, but I always was fascinated with it and enjoyed the feeling of it and helping a man climax.
*Mentioning again* After we ended our relationship I took a hiatus from all things sexual for 6 months. The first experience sexually was me sobbing through masturbation. Slowly but surely I got to being my regular self again. I have always been very comfortable with my sexuality and talking about sex. I respect other people's boundaries and consider sex to be a most intimate thing, but don't see that as an excuse to ban if from conversation. Especially when a good chat with girlfriends can lead to an even better sex-life. I have always lived by the motto "A lady on the street but a freak in the sheets" and as long as I am with one partner through that, I find there to be absolutely nothing wrong with it.
Back to present day:
The new boyfriend and I have been intimate for over a week now, about five or six days in I decided (well in advance) that I was going to give him oral sex. This is (FYI) SEVERAL times after he personally saw to it that I was pleased over and over again 6 days in a row (amazing)... Did I mention my ex NEVER pleased me... yeah, this is all new. SO ... we are cuddling and making out and watching a movie and I slowly but surly work my way up to it. It took me 25-30 minutes before I was actually able to physically move my body down and do the deed. The minute my face moved past his belly button I was emotionally and mentally checked out. I barely remember what happened. I didn't put any heart in to it. I did what I used to do with my ex husband. I turned off all emotion and just got him where he wanted to be. When i was done i laid my head on his stomach and then got up and went to the bathroom. The rest of the evening was fine, he ended up somewhat returning the favor which was kind of him.
Fast forward 3 days. We have made out and had sex since then, nothing wrong, totally fine. New Years Eve night we are making out and his body language hints that he wants me to give him oral again... I went from horny to angry in less than a minute. I felt this rage pushing through me and I caught myself from yelling at him. I turned my head away... I took a deep breath... I looked at him and started to cry. Big huge crocodile tears streaming down my face as i look at the man I love while his face goes from wanting, to confused, to distraught. He grabbed me up in his arms and held me for a few minutes. I wiped the tears away and said "It's my ex, he ruined everything..." and that is all I could say. I got up and went to the bathroom and convinced him we needed to go to HyVee for some champagne and snacks.
That night was okay, a bit awkward but it worked out alright in the end. The next morning we were cuddling on the couch, clothed. (nice alliteration) And started kissing. It was like we always kiss-I like his kisses he doesn't use tongue. Well this time his tongue snuck in, twice. The angry head came rearing again... I felt my face get hot and my heart start on fire and then i went numb. (Side story-my ex husband rarely kissed me and refused to kiss me with tongue because I "Just couldn't do it the right way" to give him *Credit* he tried to "teach" me but this idiot is just so damned unteachable... Onward) My brain was gone, my heart was gone, i felt like all the love I had for him was gone. All I could think was "we have to break up" "I have to break up with him" "I don't love him" "I HATE HIM" and then i felt his hand on my cheek... it was wet. I opened my eyes and realized i was crying again. "FUCKING A!!!" I screamed "Why does he have to do this? Why can't he just leave me alone!?" And then i bawled and sobbed and sobbed and bawled. And Amazing Boyfriend scooped me into his arms again and held me as i cried. I pulled away for a bit and starred into space for a while until I realized I was shutting off my emotions again so I let them come forward and I SOBBED and BAWLED into his shoulder some more.
His response? "Whenever you feel ready to talk, I am here to listen... Until then just do what you feel comfortable with."
I can't imagine what is going through this poor kid's head. A virgin, his first girlfriend, and when he kisses her her eyes fill with fear, then anger, then tears... and all he wants is for me to feel comfortable. I am a wreck. I am a ball of landmines ready to go off, and he is okay with that.
I have an appointment with my counselor on Tuesday. I really look forward to going over this with her. I told him I am not sure I can talk about it until then and he lovingly grabbed my cheeks and kissed me softly and then looked into my eyes with his which happened to be green tonight and said "Sweetie, I meant it when I said, 'when EVER you are READY' no sooner... I will wait. " *MELT*
I found the one... And he is willing to wait for me to get all my crazy in check. Amazing.
Happy New Year, Merry Christmas, And I hope next time I write it is good news about working through this scary demon of an issue I have facing me.
Thanks for reading
Angel
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