I have been seeing someone. For about 2 and a half months we have been dating, and for about 3 and a half months we have been communicating. He is remarkable, sweet, vulnerable, considerate, compassionate, understanding, funny, fun, family-centered, smart, interesting, nerdy... really everything.
I am the first girl he has ever dated for an extended period of time. I am also the first girl he has slept with. For a while the slow going of our relationship was because he is a virgin, or was at the time. It was perfect-exactly what I needed. Then one day the person holding us back was me, because I hadn't told him about my HSV. I told him and he was fine with it. Totally and completely fine and told me that it didn't change his feelings for me what so ever. That night we slept in the same bed and cuddled and things-and things were great. Better than anything or anyone I have ever been with in my entire life. It was remarkable. And I think my feelings for him heightened it even more. I have felt like I might be in love with him for probably a month and a half, and I have KNOWN for definitely over 2 weeks if not 3 or 4. He is remarkable, if I haven't said that enough already.
A bit of history before I go on. I have hinted and prodded at the type of sexual and sexually related emotional abuse that happened in my former marriage. Here is a flat out blatant description of it. My ex husband never did anything to please me. Ever. I think in the 3 and a half years we were together he touched me twice or three times, he didn't ever go down on me and he let me climax an average of once every one to two months (Not a joke). If he caught me masturbating or trying to get my climax from sex he would stop or yell at me depending on the situation. It was bad. Not only that he also used me giving him oral sex as a punishment and a daily requirement on my part. Prior to my relationship with him I really enjoyed giving oral sex. I am not one hundred percent sure why, but I always was fascinated with it and enjoyed the feeling of it and helping a man climax.
*Mentioning again* After we ended our relationship I took a hiatus from all things sexual for 6 months. The first experience sexually was me sobbing through masturbation. Slowly but surely I got to being my regular self again. I have always been very comfortable with my sexuality and talking about sex. I respect other people's boundaries and consider sex to be a most intimate thing, but don't see that as an excuse to ban if from conversation. Especially when a good chat with girlfriends can lead to an even better sex-life. I have always lived by the motto "A lady on the street but a freak in the sheets" and as long as I am with one partner through that, I find there to be absolutely nothing wrong with it.
Back to present day:
The new boyfriend and I have been intimate for over a week now, about five or six days in I decided (well in advance) that I was going to give him oral sex. This is (FYI) SEVERAL times after he personally saw to it that I was pleased over and over again 6 days in a row (amazing)... Did I mention my ex NEVER pleased me... yeah, this is all new. SO ... we are cuddling and making out and watching a movie and I slowly but surly work my way up to it. It took me 25-30 minutes before I was actually able to physically move my body down and do the deed. The minute my face moved past his belly button I was emotionally and mentally checked out. I barely remember what happened. I didn't put any heart in to it. I did what I used to do with my ex husband. I turned off all emotion and just got him where he wanted to be. When i was done i laid my head on his stomach and then got up and went to the bathroom. The rest of the evening was fine, he ended up somewhat returning the favor which was kind of him.
Fast forward 3 days. We have made out and had sex since then, nothing wrong, totally fine. New Years Eve night we are making out and his body language hints that he wants me to give him oral again... I went from horny to angry in less than a minute. I felt this rage pushing through me and I caught myself from yelling at him. I turned my head away... I took a deep breath... I looked at him and started to cry. Big huge crocodile tears streaming down my face as i look at the man I love while his face goes from wanting, to confused, to distraught. He grabbed me up in his arms and held me for a few minutes. I wiped the tears away and said "It's my ex, he ruined everything..." and that is all I could say. I got up and went to the bathroom and convinced him we needed to go to HyVee for some champagne and snacks.
That night was okay, a bit awkward but it worked out alright in the end. The next morning we were cuddling on the couch, clothed. (nice alliteration) And started kissing. It was like we always kiss-I like his kisses he doesn't use tongue. Well this time his tongue snuck in, twice. The angry head came rearing again... I felt my face get hot and my heart start on fire and then i went numb. (Side story-my ex husband rarely kissed me and refused to kiss me with tongue because I "Just couldn't do it the right way" to give him *Credit* he tried to "teach" me but this idiot is just so damned unteachable... Onward) My brain was gone, my heart was gone, i felt like all the love I had for him was gone. All I could think was "we have to break up" "I have to break up with him" "I don't love him" "I HATE HIM" and then i felt his hand on my cheek... it was wet. I opened my eyes and realized i was crying again. "FUCKING A!!!" I screamed "Why does he have to do this? Why can't he just leave me alone!?" And then i bawled and sobbed and sobbed and bawled. And Amazing Boyfriend scooped me into his arms again and held me as i cried. I pulled away for a bit and starred into space for a while until I realized I was shutting off my emotions again so I let them come forward and I SOBBED and BAWLED into his shoulder some more.
His response? "Whenever you feel ready to talk, I am here to listen... Until then just do what you feel comfortable with."
I can't imagine what is going through this poor kid's head. A virgin, his first girlfriend, and when he kisses her her eyes fill with fear, then anger, then tears... and all he wants is for me to feel comfortable. I am a wreck. I am a ball of landmines ready to go off, and he is okay with that.
I have an appointment with my counselor on Tuesday. I really look forward to going over this with her. I told him I am not sure I can talk about it until then and he lovingly grabbed my cheeks and kissed me softly and then looked into my eyes with his which happened to be green tonight and said "Sweetie, I meant it when I said, 'when EVER you are READY' no sooner... I will wait. " *MELT*
I found the one... And he is willing to wait for me to get all my crazy in check. Amazing.
Happy New Year, Merry Christmas, And I hope next time I write it is good news about working through this scary demon of an issue I have facing me.
Thanks for reading
Angel
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment