I don't like my family?

I am a bit ticked off lately. Not only am I the busiest fucking person I know but I have also discovered things about myself and my future that I just am not cheerful about. I don't even really know where to begin with explaining it other than with the meaning behind the title.

D and I have been working a lot on a lot of things, mainly learning more about myself and then seeing where that takes me. Well over break when I was with my family I learned that I have a hard time liking them. I understand them fine, and I guess they are accepting of the me that they want me to be (Which is always something different everyday) but... they are ignorant, rude, negative, and annoying... And that's really not even the half of it. I don't do them justice by lying about who I am around them, D says, but then again why should I? I love them to death don't get me wrong. I can't imagine my life without them, without them I wouldn't be me... and that would be pointless. I am just really aggravated that I have to work so damn hard to please them all the time. Of course that is my choice... so I plan to choose to stop it.

I don't know where this is going. I do love my family a lot and I don't want to come off as some snobby bitch who always wants her way and hates life... but really it is annoying having to pretend to be someone I am not. It is scary learning how much I don't like my family. I am disappointed in my mom... how the fuck do I tell her that?

Mom-You should have been there... a normal mom would have been there... why weren't you there? Why did you let me throw my childhood away? Why did you HELP me throw my childhood away? What did I do to deserve this?

I explained to D the horror of my situation... I have both of them wanting me to be a baby... when they want me to be... and then they want me to be their friend... on their beck and call, and then they want me to be the foundation, the rock for the family that keeps them going. I am sorry but I can't nor do I want to be all of those things. I just want to be your equal please! I just want to feel loved and love you and that's that... I don't want to be the rock and I don't want to be the fucking baby...

I am not a baby. I am younger than both of them, I am my mom's child yes... but I am not a baby. I am a grown woman who still has a lot of growing to do... I am smart and talented and open minded and I hate being called a baby by someone I can't really respect. Does that make sense?

Oh god I feel like a horrible person for even saying these things. I should just be grateful for what I have and move on with it... but I am not (apparently)

Maybe one day I will be.

And then Brett... don't even get me started on Brett. He is kinda a douche bag... he doesn't think he is because he hates that term... fine he isnt a db he is an ahole... is that better really or are they about equal? To be so ignorant and yet so full of yourself is unappealing. He is a great guy and most of his traits are one I would love to find in a guy... but there are definitely things about him that just piss me off. And he doesn't seem to care at all. I know there are things about me that piss him off but what the fuck really? Maybe we shouldn't live together, maybe it is a bad idea after all.

I don't know anymore...

I just want all of my relationships to be as easy as the one I have with Tove... why is that too much to ask?

*sigh*

Alas (:)
Good night.

ANGEL