Where Was She? The mother I never had...

The book I am reading told me to make a description of the mother I feel I was missing when I was younger and am lacking currently. This is not easy, but then again it really isn't hard either. What the challenge is, for me, is the taboo of talking about my mother in a way that is less than formidable. I have this place to escape to. Not many people know it even exists. When I write, they may see it but they probably won't. It is as good as a diary.


The mom I wish I had:

She cares about me first, and herself second.

She gave me space to grow up, guiding me but not leading me. Letting me grow into my own person.

She gave me personal space, not intruding into my things and asking questions I didn't feel comfortable answering.

She allowed me to make my own mistakes, without expecting me to be perfect.

She showed me how much she loved my dad, physically, by giving him affection but did not share their trials and tribulations, their personal business with me.

She showed me she loved me, all of me, by never criticizing who I was on the inside or the outside.

She loved herself, and had self confidence. Even though sometimes she probably doesn't always THINK she is gorgeous, she always exuded a level of confidence and self value. Accepting where she is and who she is.

She kept the house clean but didn't get upset when things weren't perfect.

She never judged anyone for anything. She gave everyone the opportunity to be who they were and respected them even if she did not agree with them.

She didn't keep important things from us. She made sure we knew what the truth was, always.

She always made time for me, even when it was not good for her.

She kept my personal things private. If I went to her for something she loved me through it, even if she didn't accept it, and respected it was my issue not sharing it with her friends and family.

She is peaceful. Always such a peaceful and loving person to be around.

Her love is unconditional. Anyone and everyone is welcome, and loved.

She was my mother first, not my friend.

She went to her counselor and friends for help, not me.

She encouraged me to try new things, even if she thought I might fail.

She never once made fun of me. Teasing in fun was fine, but the instant she knew something bothered me it ceased. She loved me entirely for who I was not for what I did.

She treated me and my brother equally, she encouraged my dad to as well.

She allowed me to have secrets.

She was honest about sex, but didn't ask for details.

She taught me about healthy living, eating, working habits... not in diet form but just HEALTHY

She allows me to reach out to HER and lets me have distance as an adult. OF course she worries, but she doesn't put that pressure on me.



This is just a few, for now.

I will revisit this.

ANGEL

Another day, another dollar, another war...

Recently, I have been going through some pretty rough stuff.

I came out to my mother, super excited about my new girlfriend and the way my life was going with Ben and all. I was hopeful that she would be supportive of me, and loving.

She wasn't. Not even a bit. The only thing she could say was how badly my decisions would reflect on her as a mother, how she couldn't believe that she spent money on another marriage that is a sham, how could I be so insensitive and immoral? The list went on and on. During that time my heart felt like it was being ripped to shreds. I literally felt like my soul was being crushed over and over again. The cracks which I had been gently walking on for the last 25years of my life finally burst open to reveal the truth.

I felt happy and sad all at once. I was concerned because I can't imagine a life without my mother, but I was relieved because all of the lies that I continued to tell vanished. I finally was set free. I was able to live my life fully. I knew, when I would return home, that my husband would welcome me with open arms. That my girlfriend would hold me close and tell me she loved me and she was sorry my mother wasn't able to accept me for who I was. I even knew, deep down inside, that my brother would accept all I was inside and out, be always has. Still there was the lingering realization that my mother was not who she claimed she was all these years. She was not my mother, she was my controller. I didn't know what to do.

I sought help in an online community I have never lacked to find help in. The ladies there were so supportive and wonderful. One thing led to another and I got introduced to a book called, "Will I Ever Be Good Enough: Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers". I started reading the book and finally felt a bit of peace. I have also made an appointment to see a counselor.

I think I am in a better place that I could be. I think that over the times with ex and with some of the other things I have worked through I have helped with some of the SYMPTOMS I have, but I think that this is really the root cause of a lot of my issues. I think I have always known that, too and just been afraid to admit it.

So now it is time to do some work. I have to work on me again, keep getting healthier and healthier until I have just spread my love everywhere I can. Just keep being who I am and hoping for the best. I know that this is going to hurt... I know that it will not be easy. But I also know that I will feel SO RELIEVED in the end. And that is really what it is all about, right? Anything written from now on will not be about my experience with my abusive ex husband, but instead about my experience with my narcissistic and therefore abusive mother and working through those things.

Here was the start of it, really. And now I am ready to go back to that and really dig deeper.


And we're off...
Angel