Another day, another dollar, another war...

Recently, I have been going through some pretty rough stuff.

I came out to my mother, super excited about my new girlfriend and the way my life was going with Ben and all. I was hopeful that she would be supportive of me, and loving.

She wasn't. Not even a bit. The only thing she could say was how badly my decisions would reflect on her as a mother, how she couldn't believe that she spent money on another marriage that is a sham, how could I be so insensitive and immoral? The list went on and on. During that time my heart felt like it was being ripped to shreds. I literally felt like my soul was being crushed over and over again. The cracks which I had been gently walking on for the last 25years of my life finally burst open to reveal the truth.

I felt happy and sad all at once. I was concerned because I can't imagine a life without my mother, but I was relieved because all of the lies that I continued to tell vanished. I finally was set free. I was able to live my life fully. I knew, when I would return home, that my husband would welcome me with open arms. That my girlfriend would hold me close and tell me she loved me and she was sorry my mother wasn't able to accept me for who I was. I even knew, deep down inside, that my brother would accept all I was inside and out, be always has. Still there was the lingering realization that my mother was not who she claimed she was all these years. She was not my mother, she was my controller. I didn't know what to do.

I sought help in an online community I have never lacked to find help in. The ladies there were so supportive and wonderful. One thing led to another and I got introduced to a book called, "Will I Ever Be Good Enough: Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers". I started reading the book and finally felt a bit of peace. I have also made an appointment to see a counselor.

I think I am in a better place that I could be. I think that over the times with ex and with some of the other things I have worked through I have helped with some of the SYMPTOMS I have, but I think that this is really the root cause of a lot of my issues. I think I have always known that, too and just been afraid to admit it.

So now it is time to do some work. I have to work on me again, keep getting healthier and healthier until I have just spread my love everywhere I can. Just keep being who I am and hoping for the best. I know that this is going to hurt... I know that it will not be easy. But I also know that I will feel SO RELIEVED in the end. And that is really what it is all about, right? Anything written from now on will not be about my experience with my abusive ex husband, but instead about my experience with my narcissistic and therefore abusive mother and working through those things.

Here was the start of it, really. And now I am ready to go back to that and really dig deeper.


And we're off...
Angel