What am I even supposed to say?

You are my mom.

You are meant to be the person who loves me the most and hurts me the least.

You are meant to be the person who works everyday for my happiness and prosperity.

You are meant to be the person who supports me in all of my endeavors or at least loves me through them.


What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?

How am I supposed to feel?

I don't even know who you are to me, anymore.

You want us to talk again, but honestly I can think of nothing nice to say to you at all.

You want me to come back to you but it feels, to me, like you're the one who left.

I AM WHO I AM can you not love and accept that. Even if you can now, even if you can get past my immoral marriage and my inability to just CHOOSE which side of happiness I want to be on... Do I even want to speak with you again?

You hurt me in ways I have never been hurt before.

I have been hit, I have been abused, I have been taunted and tortured and teased, I have been through so much hurt emotionally and physically... BUT THIS?! This is unlike any other.

I am not sorry I am not the daughter you wanted me to be! I AM NOT SORRY for not being everything you expected since before I was born. I AM NOT SORRY. Why? because I AM MY OWN PERSON. I want to be myself and be free to be myself.

I want to be able to just BE ME publicly without anyone having a fucking word about it.

I can love you and respect you and honor you regardless of all the fucked up shit that you've done but NO NO NO NO... I want to be married to the best man in the world AND have a happy and committed relationship to a woman!? Fuck that I'm out. Apparently I drew the line somewhere between BEING HAPPY and BEING HAPPY!

Oh but, you have covered that haven't you? We are not meant to be happy in this life? I say bullshit. Fuck that. I will be as happy as I damn well please thank you very much.

I don't know what to say to you.

I don't know that I will ever say anything to you.

It kills me every time I see your face and hear your name and see that you have contacted me. I DON'T WANT YOU AROUND! If you wanted to be there for me, you should have tried that back in February. When I was sitting on the bed sobbing and incapable of moving because my mother was in the process of killing every ounce of happiness I had.

Fuck, why don't we go back a bit further than that? Last August when you were a BITCH on my birthday, and when you wouldn't be respectful of mine and my husbands choices. Last June when you tore my heart out by basically calling me fat and being a total JERK to me as soon as everyone left. Last spring when my brother was hiding from you and you decided to GO OFF ON ME ABOUT IT. I can go on if you would like? I have 25 years of these piled up... some I didn't even remember.

You've torn my heart out and all you care about is how it impacts you. How it effects you. And you know what? I COULD GIVE TWO FUCKING SHITS! I have cared MY ENTIRE LIFE for you... made sure I didn't hurt you more than you could take, stood by and bit my tongue through emotional abuse so you could survive another day.

Mom, grow up. Be a mom. Then we can talk.

FUCK!