the end of the world...

I remember the day I finally decided to leave you... So I am going to document it, while I still can.

There were several things leading up to it of course... I think one of the most important was I was noticing more and more that you showed no support for me... all this time I thought you were kind of kidding around, but as time went on, nothing changed and the lightbulbs started to turn on... I realized very quickly that whatever future I COULD invision... was not the future for me!

So when my mom was going to come to town I was starting to get nervous. I knew with all that was going on in my mind it was going to be impossible for me to hold it all in. On top of that you never let me spend any time with my family and when by some chance I did spend time with them it was not without guilt. So I wanted to spend time with my mom and I was scared because I knew it wouldn't go over well with you at all!

Finally I decided to just do it... mom came and the weekend started off strong because I had cleaned the ENTIRE apartment by myself like hands and knees kind of cleaning. I got absolutely no thanks for it and then finally when it was getting down to the wire and I wanted your help, I said something kind of mean or something and it pissed you off so then you said you were going to play video games and tried to step past me. I pushed you a bit an said "Oh hey come on! Just help!" And you shoved me against the wall... sat down and played your games. Like a child. So i finished up by myself and mom came over and said the place looked great, which it did, thanks to me. That night we went out somewhere I can't quite think of where, and we ate dinner and enjoyed some time together, you were probably quiet like usual and "let" mom and I talk but butted in when you wanted to get your 2 cents across.

The next morning was Saturday morning and you had to be at work at like some absurd hour so mom and I went to curves and went to do yoga in the park... then we went and had some coffee and just really enjoyed our day to the fullest extent. We were going to try to go to a movie and when I said something to you about it through text I got rude responses about how my family is stupid for always wanting to see movies together. Well that is just how we are, so I told mom about it and it really upset her... but she let it go. We ended up going to Grille 26 instead so you could meet up with us but when you got there you were in a sour mood, of course. And when mom brought up your stomach ache you got upset, and then when she brought up the options for your FOOT! Heaven forbid someone care about you! You blew up at her and told her "My foot is fine and if you say one more word about it I am leaving!" So mom got up for a breather and came back... and you asked, "Did I upset you by saying that?" and she explained that it really pissed her off that you couldn't have adult conversations... etc.

So you stood up in a huff unwilling to work things out in the adult and civil manner, and when I reached for you you grabbed my wrist and threw it against the booth. From there you stormed out to the car and I came out to tell you to be carefull and try one more time to keep you from leaving. Before I went out to the car I sat at the booth contemplating whether or not it was even worth it... When I got to the car and opened the door you punched what I thought was the dash... then you proceeded to cuss at me and so I let you go... in my car. From there I went back into the restaurant a total mess... knowing in my heart that this was going to be the end.

I sat down across from mom and she asked me what was wrong and I said I didn't want to talk about it. We "ate" I tried to eat... and then we were getting ready to leave. I decided I would give it one more shot and call you so I did... I called and asked if you wanted to deal with this in an adult way... and you were rude.. I asked if you wanted to come and watch a movie with us and you basically said "I knew you were going to watch a movie and No i don't want to come over!" So i asked if it was cause you weren't feeling well and you said "Well that's part of it..." so then I said "okay well I love you..." and your lovely caring and amazing response was: "Fuck you and Fuck off... " then you hung up. and I hung up... and BAWLED!

My mom was standing right there... she saw it all... never again could I lie to her. Little did I know (Or maybe I did know) that would be the last of any time I would "mean it" when I said "I love you" that would be the turning point in my life...

Mom and I went to walmart and she bought me the tinker bell pjs I had been wanting so badly... then we went to hyvee and got a bottle of wine and a movie... she kept asking me if I was ready to talk and I said "Not yet not yet..." but I knew I would talk and I knew she would listen. When we got back to Mickey's place it was a whole new ball game... I finally started talking... I told her everything. I started small kind of gauging her reactions. Telling her how awesome you were when we were with your friends and how it was so different when we weren't. I told her about some of the things I did and didn't do because of you... once I knew she was listening and those things weren't good... the dam broke. I told her ever thing that ever happened between us... down to intimate moments... things I never expected... Somethings I didn't even know were bad... all the time she was strong and loving. At 9 she had to call John... so I let her... and I went upstairs and listened to their conversation... at that point I just didn't want to be alone with my thoughts. I sat in the hallway listening to her tell John that her baby is being tortured and she doesn't know what to do or say or what will happen next and it's all so hard because she has to stay strong for me... Well later we went back down stairs and the decisions had to be made...

Mom asked me a few simple questions to help me figure out where I wanted to go from here... finally at one point I said "I need to get a divorce!" She was shocked of course because we all wish in a perfect world things like that wouldn't happen, but this world isn't perfect and neither am I... That was the hardest sentence of the whole night. Coming to that conclusion seemed impossible. By this point you had called and texted several times so I knew something was coming... You appeared behind my mom in the glass door watching me cry... you came in and asked what was wrong and I told you we were just talking... you asked if we were going to get a divorce and I said "I don't know".. we hugged and you left... then I figured out wha tI needed to do... I was scared and shocked and shaken and it was hard... very hard... then we called brett... he loves me! We talked for a bit... things were fine... then we moved on... Tove came over and we went to the house to get the car... thats when I found out you punched the windsheild not the dashboard... that was amazingly helpful in my decision to leave... a man who will punch a windsheild will punch a woman... thats that.

The rest is really history, I just remember that night feeling completely lost and confused ... scared and lonely... and now... Im less of all of those things and VERY happy and VERY me! That is what is important!

I don't miss you at all... I have a feeling I may have never been in love with you but I won't know until I am IN LOVE for real... No, I don't plan on being in contact with you after this is all over, i dont see a reason... of 7 billion people in the world... I am sure I can find a better friend.

Angel

HAHAHA Giving advice now?

"what are some of his goals in life? how does he feel about and treat those around him that he loves? does he talk about people behind their backs? just typical things you should consider when trying to find a good person that's right for you. you deserve a good person that'll take care of you and won't take for granted the things you will do for him."--From John to Jasmine in a Myspace email...

What are his goals in life?--None clear at the moment, always a bit hayzy....

How does he feel about those he loves?-- HE loves them a ton but never wants them to know it

How does he treat those he loves?-- Great when he wants to, terribly when he wants to...

Does he talk about people behind their backs?-- All the fucking time, especially my loved ones, not his, just mine!

Take care of you-- NEVER EVER

Wont take for granted the things you will do for him?-- HAHA Thats a laugh!

Angel

Angry

It sucks really... My personality right now is so me and then sometimes it could not be further from who I am. I have plenty of times when I am cheerful and perky and just rairin to go ... but then there will be someone who just clashes with me and now isntead of ignoring it like I would have normally before, now I just get so angry, and snappy...

Like today, there is this guy Todd at work who is a manager but shouldn't be... he is a total dimwit and an asshole to boot. I guess he is a good dad but I have a hard time imagining that since he is so useless in general. He is rude and condecending... he is lazy, and every time someone says something he has to just jut something back at them right away, he never gives anyone a moment of anything... Today Jessica was talking about how she likes working here and something or other and he said "Oh just wait until Christmas season..." any normal human being would have said "Well we are glad you like it here, we like having you..." but noooo Todd has to be a negative bastard. And it is things like that, being condecending, and negative and a "know it all" personality really reminds me so flippin much of my fucking ex... he is sucha douche bag...

I have to say I am lucky in some cases because he is being so nice and easy going about everything but really, he is being an ass... in general he is an ass... all in all JUST AN ASSHOLE! I can't wait for the moment when I have the papers in my hand that say the divorce is final, I don't care where I am or what I am doing, I will fucking cheer out loud for heaven's sake... I will jump from buildings... I can not wait for that moment... I just cant!

It will be here
One day

Very soon!!

Until then, I should go to bed...
Goodnight,
Angel

The things I can't wait for...

I can't wait until i graduate! I really am so excited
Even sooner, I can't wait for school to start... having a fresh new page for school and my LAST year... I am just so excited!

I Can't wait for internship... I know it will be a remarkable experience and I seriously hope it goes as well as I think it will.
I can't wait for Labor day, when I get to finally spend some more time in Colorado doing some fun stuff, and then I get to see my Bubby and momma and we get to hang out and do whatever and go to a Rockies game and all of it!!

I can't wait for my cleanse, I think it will help. I feel bad that I have been cheating kinda but I want to get in all my cravings before i just say "Screw you" to them all... y'know?
I can't wait for my intimate/personal pictures and I definitely can't wait for Jamie to draw/paint them for me... that would be so flippin sweet.
I can't wait to get my freedom/independence tattoo...

I can't wait for the divorce to be final, then I can just drop that bastard like a sack of rocks and leave him where he lies...

I can't wait to move to Colorado... How effing amazing to be home where my heart is, and if Bubs and I get the opportunity to live together that would be even more amazing!

I can't wait to date again... I know I shouldn't even be thinking about it but I can't wait for the opportunity to start from scratch!

I can't wait to have babies... I want to be a mom so much and I really am excited for being one... I know it is A LONG WAY OFF but still, something that i value having back.
I can't wait to do the things I want to do like interpreting and getting jobs and all of that!

I can't wait to get back into the groove of things...
I can't wait to hear back from Brenda about my financial situation, and from the Dean about my stupid history class...
I can't wait to get this shit behind me... and get into my internship... where the real work begins.

I can't wait to get settled, hopefully in Michelle and Paul's garage apartment for 9 months... i feel like that is where I need to be and if I can just settle down for a minute or two and just get back to me... i will be good

I can't wait to go out... and just... HAVE FUN and be myself how awesome would that be...
I can't wait for my next kiss... who will it be? how will it feel? will there be sparks?

I can't wait for all of these things, but what is important right now is that I figure out the small steps, how to get there. I make a plan, and I follow through. I know that going back to being a night time owl teeniebopper is fun, but I really need to just be a grown up now. I get the chance to be who I want to be and do what I want to do. I want to be a HARD WORKER and smart and fun and a person who cleans up after myself... that is all good but I have to actually do it. Old habits die hard..> SUPER hard! but I can find a way... I am sure.

*sigh*

Life could be simple, but then it wouldn't be worth living. We all have to go through the hard shit to get to the good stuff, and life is too short to sit on your ass and let it pass by.

I am excited, for who I am and for what is to come... :) Thank God for second chances, family, friends, and a good heart!

Angel

Am I an idiot?

Why the hell did I think it was okay to contact his family? why? SERIOUSLY!? I can not believe that I thought it would be "Fine and dandy" to just call his grandma and talk with her casually... then to think that I could write Jasmine an email and expect her to I dont know... connect with me or something... GAY... I am such an idiot! I am not really an idiot, I am actually quite smart and way too damn loving for my own good... his family well they are blood, and Jasmine, well she is a bitch who knows nothing so oh well... John is an asshole. Plain and simple. No REAL man who actually LOVED me would have done those things or said those things to me... they wouldn't have. A real man would have loved me all the time and wanted to celebrate my triumphs with me... an asshole is what he is.

No man will ever EVER threaten me again
NO man will EVER miss out on how amazing of a person I am
No man will put himself before me too often
No man will refuse to do things for me just because he doesn't feel like it...
NO MAN will treat me the way he did, ever ever EVER again!