Peace

I need to find my inner peace... i can tell I am getting closer, I am not making it a goal, but it needs to happen. Not necessarily soon, just needs to happen in general. I am seriously suffering here... I think the pain is the real me tearing through the flesh of the facade that has been ruling the roost for so damned long. I am quite sure that this will be the end of it. Once I can lay shit out on the table with my family and just start being me... things will get better. I enjoy being a happy person, yes, but does happiness always come with a smile? I can be content and not lie. I am so used to jumping to the comfortable smile people are so used to seeing with me... I need to get comfortable with jumping to the ME people aren't used to seeing.

I am so care free but am I free of care? Absolutely not, it takes more energy for me to be the person I think they want to see when in reality, I need to be me. I can't carry on this way anymore especially considering the fact that my life will soon get more complex with my work being my number one priority something that will impact me emotionally quite often. I need to be able to be myself.

sick of this

I am so fucking sick of feeling so angry. My heart just aches and I just cry and cry and it won't go away. I am angry with everyone and I don't know how to handle it and then it makes me feel so lonely and isolated too... I just to know what to think or feel right now. i am really just feeling like death inside. I feel great but horrible at the same time i am just fucking stuck... god. Then it's like I am bugging brett or something and its like dude I don't want to bug you or whatever but fuck just return my calls or answer when I call or listen to me when I talk or something! come on! And then I talk to mom and she's like "I know you're bored but I have work to do" and maybe I do call cause I am bored, that is probably the reason... but I want SOMETHING I feel like I give so much and get so little in return I am expected to be the fricking foundation for our family, the support beams through all the shit we have been through and yet when I want a little bit of attention for something I feel like it is not there. Sure I want to go back to RC a week early why the fuck wouldn't I but at the same time once I get there and we get into conversations I won't be able to hold my own anyway. Shit. And then here it's like here or there... well if I had to pick I would pick there for sure. HERE it is fucking TORTURE! these people are freaks! They are old and douche bags They're old and I am young and they expect something from me and I don't expect that from them and it's dumb as shit! I just have this rage within me making me want to break things and hurt shit and eat... and I don't really WANT to eat but I WANT to eat you know what I mean?! God this is horrifying I am not even close to the bubbly person everyone, including myself, thinks I am. What do I do now? How do I embrace the new girl who is just not that girl?

Where's the anger from?...

I discovered today that I am angry. Anger is not a bad thing like I once thought it was… it is funny cause with the discovery of being angry I realized I am angry with my mom and my brother. Not with them right now but with them and the past. For example, I am angry with my mom for putting so much emotional stress on me when I was just a young teenager. For telling me everything that was going on in her divorce with my dad while it was unfolding in front of my eyes. For not controlling her drinking during the divorce and for jumping so quickly to moving and then being with Clint. It was like dad was barely gone and Clint was in the picture. And sure, he was just her friend and they didn’t sleep together or anything, but we all know what he was a replacement for. When Clint was just barely faded John was in the picture. I am angry with her not taking care of herself emotionally and spiritually the way she says she has. I am angry that she lectures me about taking better care of myself when she doesn’t take as good of care of herself as she should. I am angry with the idea that anger has to be a bad thing. When did it get this bad “rap”? I think anger is healthy. It is important. I am angry with my brother for leaving me to carry it all. I carried it all and I am angry about it. I am angry with my brother for wasting his life, he has a perfectly good one and he wasted half of it… I am not angry at him now, this doesn’t mean I have to hate him or be mad at him, but the anger is there and I have to work through it. I have to process it before I can be happy from my toes to my eyes.

Disappointing

I don't know why I am so disappointed in myself. I got an A- and a B+ those are very good grades, especially considering how much worse I have done in the past, but I want to be a GREAT interpreter and I want to pass the NIC with FLYING colors, and the grades I got on my finals just didn't illuminate that enough. I don't feel confident anymore because the grades struck my confidence down. I am sure if I talked with her about it she would be able to explain why... and maybe I was still one of the best...but maybe I wasn't and that's the part that concerns me the most.