To the one person who reads this blog-Feel free to skip if intimate details about people you know bother you. This is not going to get ferociously detailed by any means but... slightly none the less. /disclaimer
Where to even begin?
John and my intimacy was not romantic or loving by any means. The first time it was fun because I had no idea. Even throughout the relationship, it was fun, because I had no idea. Now that I am away from it and have had other people explain to me what it should feel like and how sex and kissing and love should be handled, I realize it was not good. Our "intimate" times were times he was even more in control. Times when he could take advantage of my absolute weakest points and twist the knife a bit deeper. It is painful to recall but I do it because I don't want to forget.
I cried several times, not because of pain and not because of pleasure but because of the emotional hold he had on me. It literally killed me every time. I remember the last time like it was yesterday. I screamed afterward. All of the pent up and balled up energy of my pain came out from me.
(Intimate detail)
We were together and then he got out so he could finish (like always... *sigh*) then he rolled over and said, "Tonight's your lucky night I am going to LET you play as well." He wouldn't touch me or hold me or anything he was drifting to sleep. He could hear me getting closer and then he said... "Are you thinking about _____?" That was the name of a long time friend who I had never thought of sexually. Why would he say that? why would I be thinking of anyone but him, the one I loved, the one I wanted to love?
I stopped. Sat up and screamed at him. I told him he had NO IDEA what he was putting me through. That every time he made me stop was an emotional war on myself. Girls can't get "blue balls" physically-but it takes a toll on us just as much if not more. I got up and slept on the couch until he apologized then I went back in but refused to touch him.
This wasn't a first. But it was the last. After I left him I was not even able to think a sexual thought for several months. Sure I felt it built up inside of me but it wasn't worth the pain of the memory. Then finally one day i gave it a shot... and cried through the whole thing. My first successful sexual thought/personal intimate moment was 6 months after I left him.
People warned me, friends and family and Dee all warned me that it would be hard when I was finally WITH someone. They would have to be trusting and understanding etc.
Onward a bit, I became Primal. Primal living/getting healthy SPIKES the libido. Every PBer I have met has had the same experience and it is almost annoying. So keep this in mind.
The first time I was with someone after my ex was almost exactly one year after I left him. Ironically enough it was the person who was referred to as _____ before. He and I were considering a relationship but mostly he was someone who has loved me through all of it, every single thing I have done and been in the last 6 years and he has been my friend. I was alone and lost and needed that. He was loving and caring. Looking back-do I wish I could change it-Not really. I guess I wish I would have/could have waited for someone who is more serious and more my type sexually and romantically but he was there, and he was sweet.
Now there is a new bone/wrench/whatever. The second guy I was with was a mistake. Probably the only regret I have ever had and will ever have in my entire life. I knew him enough, two weeks is longer than some people wait. I felt comfortable and he was kind. We were in a monogamous relationship. However, there was a problem. Not only that but he and I had perfect chemistry in everything but the bedroom.
Now, the next person I am with will have to be patient, and kind, and gentle, and understanding, and willing and loving... etc. The list seriously goes on for days. I almost wish I could be with someone who has been through what I have been through. My most recent boyfriend tried to rush it and when I tried to explain he wouldn't listen, so he is no longer that person for me. I can't be rushed. I can't. I need to be loved slowly and gently because I break easily.
I am so disappointed that my intimate history is so fucked up (for lack of better words). I really wish there were something I could do to edit-undo the whole thing, but I can't. I can only control what happens from here. Unfortunately my mind turns off when I am horny and lonely. Kiss me and it takes 20 seconds for my mind to recover, touch me and it takes another 30, kiss my neck or ears or legs... FORGET ABOUT IT... I am done for. This is why I have to think as hard and well as I can BEFORE the kisses. I think it is the control factor still. I think there is something that was instilled in me. I still enjoy the idea of it-oddly enough. I watched the movie "the secretary" and could totally relate and found it enticing. The thing is, if a person loves you enough, those situations are comforting instead of power struggles.
I suppose that is all. I feel better now, this was really weighing on me today. I am glad I was able to write about it instead.
Good night,
Angel
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
The Dream that Freed me
I have had a lot of dreams over the years, a lot. Probably an average of 300 or more per year that I remembered and probably about 50 that I can still remember vividly to this day. Since leaving John I have had a lot of dreams about him, or had at least.
There was a dream that I had a few months ago that I thought I documented, but I didn't so Now I will. The reason this dream is so significant is not only what happens IN the dream but also what has happened since the dream. Since this dream I have not had one dream about John. I have dreamed about his family and friends in various ways, but he is never a part of my dreams anymore-he has zero control of me conscious or sub-consciously.
The dream (or nightmare)...
I went to a movie theatre known as the Elks with someone (I think it was my mom or my best friend I can no longer remember). This movie theatre is the most beautiful place and it is what is known as a cheap-theater which makes it just that much better!
I went to the movie and had a sneaking suspicion/sense that he was present. While in the movie nothing happened but at one point I went to the bathroom and felt I was being followed. I turned in my tracks and told him to leave me alone, I couldn't see him yet.
I got into the bathroom and heard him again this time when I turned he was there. He looked like a vicious monster/him. He was definitely recognizable. I ran into the bathroom stall and shut it. I tried to reason with him but he wouldn't listen. he continually told me I was fat and ugly and not worth his time and that he hated me and he was planning to make my life hell. I tried very hard to calm him down and talk to him but it wouldn't work and he continually reached under and over the stall. I jumped on top of the stall and grabbed a golf-driver. I hopped back down and said "Please-don't make me do this..." he pushed on the stall but I could see his right foot (the injured one) right where I could hit it. I smashed his foot. He fell to the ground. I could have left him laying there to cry in his pain but instead I took the driver and beat him. Until he died.
John has not appeared in my dreams since. And every time something comes up that reminds me of him or where I have to talk to him or read something about him, I have no feelings of weakness. Sometimes I miss the companionship (but I could have that with anyone). I sometimes miss our humor (But it really wasn't THAT great)... really there is nothing I miss enough to ever consider being with him again.
I don't blame John for everything. I am a grown woman and made my own choices. I did choose to leave him and I know that it will take him longer to work through it than it did me because of the position I was in when I left (if he ever chooses to work through it). I also know that we both had set standards for each other that the other could not possibly reach, that is a factor. He did not have to abuse me, no, but he did. I didn't have to stay-which is why I left.
So far, so good. I am doing really well keeping my head on. I have tried 3 relationships with 3 different people. They didn't work. I ended them. Two of them are "heartbroken" but I am certain they will survive. I will not put myself in a relationship i don't deserve ever again. And with my head screwed on straight-there is really nothing to worry about.
Take care,
Angel
There was a dream that I had a few months ago that I thought I documented, but I didn't so Now I will. The reason this dream is so significant is not only what happens IN the dream but also what has happened since the dream. Since this dream I have not had one dream about John. I have dreamed about his family and friends in various ways, but he is never a part of my dreams anymore-he has zero control of me conscious or sub-consciously.
The dream (or nightmare)...
I went to a movie theatre known as the Elks with someone (I think it was my mom or my best friend I can no longer remember). This movie theatre is the most beautiful place and it is what is known as a cheap-theater which makes it just that much better!
I went to the movie and had a sneaking suspicion/sense that he was present. While in the movie nothing happened but at one point I went to the bathroom and felt I was being followed. I turned in my tracks and told him to leave me alone, I couldn't see him yet.
I got into the bathroom and heard him again this time when I turned he was there. He looked like a vicious monster/him. He was definitely recognizable. I ran into the bathroom stall and shut it. I tried to reason with him but he wouldn't listen. he continually told me I was fat and ugly and not worth his time and that he hated me and he was planning to make my life hell. I tried very hard to calm him down and talk to him but it wouldn't work and he continually reached under and over the stall. I jumped on top of the stall and grabbed a golf-driver. I hopped back down and said "Please-don't make me do this..." he pushed on the stall but I could see his right foot (the injured one) right where I could hit it. I smashed his foot. He fell to the ground. I could have left him laying there to cry in his pain but instead I took the driver and beat him. Until he died.
John has not appeared in my dreams since. And every time something comes up that reminds me of him or where I have to talk to him or read something about him, I have no feelings of weakness. Sometimes I miss the companionship (but I could have that with anyone). I sometimes miss our humor (But it really wasn't THAT great)... really there is nothing I miss enough to ever consider being with him again.
I don't blame John for everything. I am a grown woman and made my own choices. I did choose to leave him and I know that it will take him longer to work through it than it did me because of the position I was in when I left (if he ever chooses to work through it). I also know that we both had set standards for each other that the other could not possibly reach, that is a factor. He did not have to abuse me, no, but he did. I didn't have to stay-which is why I left.
So far, so good. I am doing really well keeping my head on. I have tried 3 relationships with 3 different people. They didn't work. I ended them. Two of them are "heartbroken" but I am certain they will survive. I will not put myself in a relationship i don't deserve ever again. And with my head screwed on straight-there is really nothing to worry about.
Take care,
Angel
Monday, August 16, 2010
Average Superhero
Through the years and the tears
the heartache and fears
Lives we’ve lost, paths have crossed
Through the joy and the pain
the laughter and strain
This truth remains the same:
I’m grateful for what I have
Thankful for who I am
Those who have touched me
left an impression in my plan
So take my hand and understand
this life I lead is rarely planned, never bland
but if you try you can vie for a piece of this pie
the lies have died and I no longer deny
who I am inside
I’ve got control, I’m here for the long haul
I work till I break
then pick myself up and reinstate
There’s not a day I’ll stop fighting
I’m not one to give in
so if you’ll be the side kick
up for tag teaming this shit
there’s no way we can’t win
So come on in and begin
to get with the picture, its crystal clear again
where I go from here is up-up and away
from this pen I’ve been livin' in
Take the freedom to fly
the right to fight
responsibility to try and treat myself right
I’m takin' over
so if you’re up for the ride
take a hold of my shoulders
up-up and away we will fly.
the heartache and fears
Lives we’ve lost, paths have crossed
Through the joy and the pain
the laughter and strain
This truth remains the same:
I’m grateful for what I have
Thankful for who I am
Those who have touched me
left an impression in my plan
So take my hand and understand
this life I lead is rarely planned, never bland
but if you try you can vie for a piece of this pie
the lies have died and I no longer deny
who I am inside
I’ve got control, I’m here for the long haul
I work till I break
then pick myself up and reinstate
There’s not a day I’ll stop fighting
I’m not one to give in
so if you’ll be the side kick
up for tag teaming this shit
there’s no way we can’t win
So come on in and begin
to get with the picture, its crystal clear again
where I go from here is up-up and away
from this pen I’ve been livin' in
Take the freedom to fly
the right to fight
responsibility to try and treat myself right
I’m takin' over
so if you’re up for the ride
take a hold of my shoulders
up-up and away we will fly.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Looking Back
Wow... SO i just read through my blog.
Sorry for all the rage... seems like I only posted when I needed to complain. ahh well such is the reason for a journal in the first place.
I had another interesting John event this week. I got a call from a payday loan place asking if I knew where he was because I was a reference on his loan. I then proceeded to text him and tell him they were looking for him. He then told me to lie and say I dont know him. I told him i didnt feel comfortable lying. The events unfolded and somewhere he told me to fuck off and called me a fucking fatty and told me I ruined his finances and that he really is the asshole I told him he was. etc. And now I know,that things have officially changed. Before, even just a couple months ago, this would have had me distraught. Now, nothing... absolutely nothing. And I am financially way ahead of where I was with him When I left him he had 0 debt... so he really cant blame me for whatever he dug into.
So what did I do? called the payday loan place and gave them all the phone numbers of HIS friends and relatives... because apparently they called Tove and Mom too.. WOW.
Wanna know something awesome? HE MOVED BACK TO ARKANSAS!!!
Looking over the shoulder shall never happen again. I can go anywhere anytime without worry about his sorry ass.
Lovely! :)
I am doing quite well.
I just took the NIC.. yes...THE NIC!!!!I will know sometime between now and 6 months from now.
Right before I took it I had a nightmare... LOL
you would think it would be something about my skills... my mind going blank or something... YOU THINK WRONG!
I got up (In the dream) and got dressed in my legislature outfit... drove to CSD to take the test. When I arrived I went to the bathroom before I started... I looked in the mirror and I was wearing Plaid pants with my TYE DYE SHIRT!!! I freaked... I asked the LTA if I could change quick and she said "you cant go home but you can go to the thrift store in the basement" So I went... and it was a thrift store that ONLY sells Rock and Roll T shirts... SO i grabbed a black iron maden t and turned it inside out.
Test went great... when I was done she said "Your results will come on Sept 5th" and then I woke up. lol
So... I took the test. It went really well. I feel good about it.
I feel good about a lot of things. Life is great.
:)
Angel
Sorry for all the rage... seems like I only posted when I needed to complain. ahh well such is the reason for a journal in the first place.
I had another interesting John event this week. I got a call from a payday loan place asking if I knew where he was because I was a reference on his loan. I then proceeded to text him and tell him they were looking for him. He then told me to lie and say I dont know him. I told him i didnt feel comfortable lying. The events unfolded and somewhere he told me to fuck off and called me a fucking fatty and told me I ruined his finances and that he really is the asshole I told him he was. etc. And now I know,that things have officially changed. Before, even just a couple months ago, this would have had me distraught. Now, nothing... absolutely nothing. And I am financially way ahead of where I was with him When I left him he had 0 debt... so he really cant blame me for whatever he dug into.
So what did I do? called the payday loan place and gave them all the phone numbers of HIS friends and relatives... because apparently they called Tove and Mom too.. WOW.
Wanna know something awesome? HE MOVED BACK TO ARKANSAS!!!
Looking over the shoulder shall never happen again. I can go anywhere anytime without worry about his sorry ass.
Lovely! :)
I am doing quite well.
I just took the NIC.. yes...THE NIC!!!!I will know sometime between now and 6 months from now.
Right before I took it I had a nightmare... LOL
you would think it would be something about my skills... my mind going blank or something... YOU THINK WRONG!
I got up (In the dream) and got dressed in my legislature outfit... drove to CSD to take the test. When I arrived I went to the bathroom before I started... I looked in the mirror and I was wearing Plaid pants with my TYE DYE SHIRT!!! I freaked... I asked the LTA if I could change quick and she said "you cant go home but you can go to the thrift store in the basement" So I went... and it was a thrift store that ONLY sells Rock and Roll T shirts... SO i grabbed a black iron maden t and turned it inside out.
Test went great... when I was done she said "Your results will come on Sept 5th" and then I woke up. lol
So... I took the test. It went really well. I feel good about it.
I feel good about a lot of things. Life is great.
:)
Angel
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Another life changing event
I wrote this on July 11th when I still wasn't sure... but had a feeling:
I feel lost and lonely and afraid.
I feel like nothing's going right.
I have a logical mind working overtime
To battle my emotional heart.
I hear constant screaming in my head
Overwhelming sense of dread.
But logically knowing there is hope.
How do i handle this new wrench?
Why should I have to?
I want to scream "It's not fair!"
But we all know that has nothing to do with it.
It's not fair, no, but it is reality.
I will pull through this hardship
Like I have so many that came before it...
I am a survivor.
It's what I do.
Angel
7/11/2010
I feel lost and lonely and afraid.
I feel like nothing's going right.
I have a logical mind working overtime
To battle my emotional heart.
I hear constant screaming in my head
Overwhelming sense of dread.
But logically knowing there is hope.
How do i handle this new wrench?
Why should I have to?
I want to scream "It's not fair!"
But we all know that has nothing to do with it.
It's not fair, no, but it is reality.
I will pull through this hardship
Like I have so many that came before it...
I am a survivor.
It's what I do.
Angel
7/11/2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
My best friend:
There have been some changes in the way we were
It is so hard to admit.
I can never say exactly how i feel
without being chastised for it.
First impressions last a lifetime
and ours was for the books.
You and I made a great pair
when you cared less about looks.
About how you look on Sundays
when no one will see you at all,
About how you look in your home
like it matters what's on the wall.
About how you look with your boyfriend
Make sure you make the perfect couple
About how you look in your car
Really nothing changed at all.
You care about the vanities in life
Materialistic things.
You constantly obsess over the coolest
clothing music and rings
I wish you could see it from my side
you are amazing just as you are
But instead now you set up this precedence
I think it has gone too far
You ask too much of those you love
we constantly feel under pressure
He loves you with all of his heart
but never gets any relief
We come to your house hoping to meet expectations
we know we can never reach.
Then we go to our own homes and criticize
how we can't be more like you.
My love for you is a thousand times
a thousand and the moon.
Our friendship could fill every heart
and still be searching for room.
We can laugh and cry together
or at least we could
But now when I am around you
I feel I am just no good.
I have been beaten and hurt and stomped on
and sometimes just need an ear
And I get so incredibly excited
when I know that yours is near
But lately nothing I say,
and everything I do
Can not compare to the expectations
Set by only you.
I am not sure what happened,
and I am sad for whatever did.
I don't know if suddenly you realized
we are no longer kids.
I don't know if it was your dream job
and how it didn't meet expectations
but whatever it was whenever it was
it changed all of your relations.
I am very sorry that you're hurting
I wish you would just open up
You know that the only thing I offer
is unconditional love.
I think maybe you are still wishing
you knew more about yourself
But babe we're in our 20s
everyone needs a little help.
If you ever come back and miss me
and realize what went wrong
PLEASE open up and tell me
because I promise I won't be gone.
I will patiently wait for my old friend
to come back around the bend.
And when you do I will be waiting
with much more than a hug to lend.
I love you my dearest friend,
I really do.
But as of right now I feel
I can't be near you
I don't know how to say it so
I am writing this in secrecy
But at some point I will tell you
and you may never forgive me.
My heart weeps for that moment,
but there is nothing I can change.
The ball is in your court now
I just hope you stay safe.
Forever and for always,
your best friend.
Angel <3
It is so hard to admit.
I can never say exactly how i feel
without being chastised for it.
First impressions last a lifetime
and ours was for the books.
You and I made a great pair
when you cared less about looks.
About how you look on Sundays
when no one will see you at all,
About how you look in your home
like it matters what's on the wall.
About how you look with your boyfriend
Make sure you make the perfect couple
About how you look in your car
Really nothing changed at all.
You care about the vanities in life
Materialistic things.
You constantly obsess over the coolest
clothing music and rings
I wish you could see it from my side
you are amazing just as you are
But instead now you set up this precedence
I think it has gone too far
You ask too much of those you love
we constantly feel under pressure
He loves you with all of his heart
but never gets any relief
We come to your house hoping to meet expectations
we know we can never reach.
Then we go to our own homes and criticize
how we can't be more like you.
My love for you is a thousand times
a thousand and the moon.
Our friendship could fill every heart
and still be searching for room.
We can laugh and cry together
or at least we could
But now when I am around you
I feel I am just no good.
I have been beaten and hurt and stomped on
and sometimes just need an ear
And I get so incredibly excited
when I know that yours is near
But lately nothing I say,
and everything I do
Can not compare to the expectations
Set by only you.
I am not sure what happened,
and I am sad for whatever did.
I don't know if suddenly you realized
we are no longer kids.
I don't know if it was your dream job
and how it didn't meet expectations
but whatever it was whenever it was
it changed all of your relations.
I am very sorry that you're hurting
I wish you would just open up
You know that the only thing I offer
is unconditional love.
I think maybe you are still wishing
you knew more about yourself
But babe we're in our 20s
everyone needs a little help.
If you ever come back and miss me
and realize what went wrong
PLEASE open up and tell me
because I promise I won't be gone.
I will patiently wait for my old friend
to come back around the bend.
And when you do I will be waiting
with much more than a hug to lend.
I love you my dearest friend,
I really do.
But as of right now I feel
I can't be near you
I don't know how to say it so
I am writing this in secrecy
But at some point I will tell you
and you may never forgive me.
My heart weeps for that moment,
but there is nothing I can change.
The ball is in your court now
I just hope you stay safe.
Forever and for always,
your best friend.
Angel <3
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
My List: (In no particular order)
Knowing that I am getting closer to wanting to be in a new relationship, and try dating and loving again... I realized that I needed to write a list of absolutes. These are needs that must be met... if they are not I can't comply. I don't think any of them are too excessive or exceptional... Just what I need in order to flourish and give my part in a relationship:
Loves me to the moon and back
Great hugger
Amazing sense of humor-requiring wit, charm, and intellect
Determined and Active
A great lover
Appreciates the small things in life
Willing to sacrifice now for the better tomorrow
Financially smart
Healthy
Enjoys similar activities
Loves to learn and teach
Open minded to new ideas and expansion
Wants kids (that means 2+)
Stable—Mentally, Physically, Emotionally and Spiritually
Understands enormous gifts the world and universe have to offer
Grateful
Family values
Willingness to try new things/Adventurous
Supportive of my needs
Passionate
My family and friends LOVE him
Literate beyond the average Joe-descriptive, wordy, educated
Tells me how much he loves me
Honest to a fault
Friendly
Understanding
Complimentary
Enjoys cooking
Helpful
Useful
Career driven, but family first
Giving
I truly believe that one day this person will enter my life. And you better believe, I am not going to give up on that.
<3 Angel
Loves me to the moon and back
Great hugger
Amazing sense of humor-requiring wit, charm, and intellect
Determined and Active
A great lover
Appreciates the small things in life
Willing to sacrifice now for the better tomorrow
Financially smart
Healthy
Enjoys similar activities
Loves to learn and teach
Open minded to new ideas and expansion
Wants kids (that means 2+)
Stable—Mentally, Physically, Emotionally and Spiritually
Understands enormous gifts the world and universe have to offer
Grateful
Family values
Willingness to try new things/Adventurous
Supportive of my needs
Passionate
My family and friends LOVE him
Literate beyond the average Joe-descriptive, wordy, educated
Tells me how much he loves me
Honest to a fault
Friendly
Understanding
Complimentary
Enjoys cooking
Helpful
Useful
Career driven, but family first
Giving
I truly believe that one day this person will enter my life. And you better believe, I am not going to give up on that.
<3 Angel
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
my gratefuls-revisited... and slightly edited... thanks to the guidence...
I am so happy and grateful now that I have pale yellow turbo VW bug with a sun roof, spoiler, special hub-caps and hot pink flowers in the vase...
I am so happy and grateful now that I have a million dollars in my bank account.
I am so happy and grateful now that I am able to donate plenty of time and money to my favorite charities.
I am so happy and grateful now that I am at the perfect 160 lbs and I wear a size 8 clothing... I look amazing!
I am so happy and grateful that I am in perfect health.
I am so happy and grateful that I graduated college on May 22, 2010 and with amazing grades! (DONE)
I am so happy and grateful that I passed the NIC at advanced my first try and feel amazing!
I am so happy and grateful that I have an amazing job as an ASL interpreter. (DONE)
I am so happy and grateful that to have a nice clean house that meets all of my needs and expectations.
I am so happy and grateful to be able to travel around the world at any time with my family.
I am so happy and grateful to be in a loving and committed relationship with my perfect partner.
I am so happy and grateful that I am always on time!
I am so happy and grateful to have such an amazing love for life, the world, and the universe.
I am so happy and grateful now that I have a million dollars in my bank account.
I am so happy and grateful now that I am able to donate plenty of time and money to my favorite charities.
I am so happy and grateful now that I am at the perfect 160 lbs and I wear a size 8 clothing... I look amazing!
I am so happy and grateful that I am in perfect health.
I am so happy and grateful that I graduated college on May 22, 2010 and with amazing grades! (DONE)
I am so happy and grateful that I passed the NIC at advanced my first try and feel amazing!
I am so happy and grateful that I have an amazing job as an ASL interpreter. (DONE)
I am so happy and grateful that to have a nice clean house that meets all of my needs and expectations.
I am so happy and grateful to be able to travel around the world at any time with my family.
I am so happy and grateful to be in a loving and committed relationship with my perfect partner.
I am so happy and grateful that I am always on time!
I am so happy and grateful to have such an amazing love for life, the world, and the universe.
Friday, May 28, 2010
I am Yours-A potential love letter...
Dear you,
I shouldn’t be waiting, but I can’t help it.
I really can’t describe the way I feel.
Things have gone so wrong in so many ways
But this feels right, am I wrong?
I am scared half to death of what fate holds in store.
But still I look to the past and all I see is love.
All I see is compassion.
I look back and I remember the flowers and the late nights
I remember the reactions and the conversations
The love and commitment shown throughout the years
I don’t know how to take it.
Is it wrong? Am I wrong?
I feel overwhelmed right now because of excitement
I don’t want to be too excited but I can’t help it.
I have to admit I am sad when we go,
I have to tell you I am bummed when you don’t show.
I have to let you know I am selfish and scared
I am sometimes not nice, and sometimes sad
Sometimes I argue for no reason
And sometimes I need more attention than I should.
But I also must tell you that if you love me
If you truly love me the way you seem to
If you love me the way you have loved me all these years…
I will love you back.
I will love you so hard it hurts.
I will love you until we cry and laugh at the same time.
People back home will know I love you, people on the streets will know.
If you take care of me, I will love you until the end of time.
But don’t hurt me.
I am scared, I am terrified, and I need security.
I need freedom and security and trust and control
And I need unconditional never-ending love straight from the fairy tales.
If you love me the way I think you can,
I am yours.
<3 Angel
I shouldn’t be waiting, but I can’t help it.
I really can’t describe the way I feel.
Things have gone so wrong in so many ways
But this feels right, am I wrong?
I am scared half to death of what fate holds in store.
But still I look to the past and all I see is love.
All I see is compassion.
I look back and I remember the flowers and the late nights
I remember the reactions and the conversations
The love and commitment shown throughout the years
I don’t know how to take it.
Is it wrong? Am I wrong?
I feel overwhelmed right now because of excitement
I don’t want to be too excited but I can’t help it.
I have to admit I am sad when we go,
I have to tell you I am bummed when you don’t show.
I have to let you know I am selfish and scared
I am sometimes not nice, and sometimes sad
Sometimes I argue for no reason
And sometimes I need more attention than I should.
But I also must tell you that if you love me
If you truly love me the way you seem to
If you love me the way you have loved me all these years…
I will love you back.
I will love you so hard it hurts.
I will love you until we cry and laugh at the same time.
People back home will know I love you, people on the streets will know.
If you take care of me, I will love you until the end of time.
But don’t hurt me.
I am scared, I am terrified, and I need security.
I need freedom and security and trust and control
And I need unconditional never-ending love straight from the fairy tales.
If you love me the way I think you can,
I am yours.
<3 Angel
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Peace and bisexuality
So... I am back after a long trek of nothing.
I have come to peace with a lot of things in my life. I have emailed with John and told him I forgive him and I really feel like that left us in a good place. I have done the same with others and feel absolutely no animosity toward anyone at this moment. It is a great feeling one of peace and tranquility.
I am trying to focus on the things that are best for me, at this point I am still unsure of what those things may be. One of which is to find a job as an interpreter, in Sioux falls that would be easy, in Rapid that would be easy, In colorado... not quite as much, but I am still trying. I may or may not live with Brett, recent events have helped me to realize that he might not be ready to live with me and I know that I can't afford to live with someone who may have a negative impact on my life. Mom doesn't like this, but that's her deal not mine.
My future is uncertain, but I am young and that is okay. I know that as long as I can I want to enjoy life for what it has to offer. Go to conferences, attend workshops, learn and love and live. Because that is all we have.
I am looking great, feeling great, and things are just getting better.
Now as far as the second half of my title is concerned, I have always felt like I have been bisexual and quite possibly gay. I have had SEVERAL female crushes in my day and have struggled with the issue a lot. I am at peace with being gay or bi or whatever but I am more concerned at the unrest it might bring to those who love me. I have already accepted it but it might take them a while longer.
I have always kind of felt like my mom has tried to steer me AWAY from anything from the norm. Not that she did it perposfully I think it is a CW thing, but at the same time it has always been there. When I had a crush on a black guy when I was younger she said "Well honey, you would have to put up with a lot of other hardships on top of the hard part of being in a relationship in general, I just don't want you to have to do that." Well mom... what if I was gay? Wanna talk about hardships? My own mother doesn't believe that gay people should be married, it kills me. Oh well though, that is her opinion, I can't change who I am for her. I love me for who I am. I hope my next relationship is with a woman, because then I will know more if I am gay or if I am just confused.
Here is a poem I wrote about my first serious gay crush:
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
AHHHHHHH
Why is it every time i crush on someone, the minute after i admit that i like them... to someone else or myself, it seems they couldnt dispise me more?
I want to dance with you, sing with you, Play with you all night.
Hold you close. Push you away, feel your arms around me.
Please dont go... Invite me to come, you know how i am about cutting in...
I want to be with you at all times... leave me here... alone. Ill stay.
Ive stayed... and strayed and now i am done being this way.
I know that you know, how could you not, no wonder you got so sick of me so quickly.
Im overbearing and annoying. Redundant even. I am pushy and clingy.
I always want you around... stick around... stay with me one more night.
Good night.
Well that is it for now,
Good night moon.
Manda
I have come to peace with a lot of things in my life. I have emailed with John and told him I forgive him and I really feel like that left us in a good place. I have done the same with others and feel absolutely no animosity toward anyone at this moment. It is a great feeling one of peace and tranquility.
I am trying to focus on the things that are best for me, at this point I am still unsure of what those things may be. One of which is to find a job as an interpreter, in Sioux falls that would be easy, in Rapid that would be easy, In colorado... not quite as much, but I am still trying. I may or may not live with Brett, recent events have helped me to realize that he might not be ready to live with me and I know that I can't afford to live with someone who may have a negative impact on my life. Mom doesn't like this, but that's her deal not mine.
My future is uncertain, but I am young and that is okay. I know that as long as I can I want to enjoy life for what it has to offer. Go to conferences, attend workshops, learn and love and live. Because that is all we have.
I am looking great, feeling great, and things are just getting better.
Now as far as the second half of my title is concerned, I have always felt like I have been bisexual and quite possibly gay. I have had SEVERAL female crushes in my day and have struggled with the issue a lot. I am at peace with being gay or bi or whatever but I am more concerned at the unrest it might bring to those who love me. I have already accepted it but it might take them a while longer.
I have always kind of felt like my mom has tried to steer me AWAY from anything from the norm. Not that she did it perposfully I think it is a CW thing, but at the same time it has always been there. When I had a crush on a black guy when I was younger she said "Well honey, you would have to put up with a lot of other hardships on top of the hard part of being in a relationship in general, I just don't want you to have to do that." Well mom... what if I was gay? Wanna talk about hardships? My own mother doesn't believe that gay people should be married, it kills me. Oh well though, that is her opinion, I can't change who I am for her. I love me for who I am. I hope my next relationship is with a woman, because then I will know more if I am gay or if I am just confused.
Here is a poem I wrote about my first serious gay crush:
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
AHHHHHHH
Why is it every time i crush on someone, the minute after i admit that i like them... to someone else or myself, it seems they couldnt dispise me more?
I want to dance with you, sing with you, Play with you all night.
Hold you close. Push you away, feel your arms around me.
Please dont go... Invite me to come, you know how i am about cutting in...
I want to be with you at all times... leave me here... alone. Ill stay.
Ive stayed... and strayed and now i am done being this way.
I know that you know, how could you not, no wonder you got so sick of me so quickly.
Im overbearing and annoying. Redundant even. I am pushy and clingy.
I always want you around... stick around... stay with me one more night.
Good night.
Well that is it for now,
Good night moon.
Manda
Thursday, February 4, 2010
What the fuck?
I just hate that when I think I am being myself finally, and it is going to be fine, then I get slammed back down on the pavement. I feel like it really is either lie all the time or be a bad person... and either way I would be a bad person. I don't want to be perceived as a crass bitch, I am not at all that way... but yet, apparently that is what they see. I hate it. And I know sometimes I talk too much... I just need to start separating myself from the rest of it i guess... it's over... there is Amanda and there is the interpreter Amanda... and that is that. I hate this. It isn't fair that when I finally am feeling good about something I have to be told that I am not mature enough for it... this is bull shit. I just want to scream. Whatever, I will grow up, I will grow up and shut up if that is what they want.
Angel
Angel
Saturday, January 16, 2010
I don't like my family?
I am a bit ticked off lately. Not only am I the busiest fucking person I know but I have also discovered things about myself and my future that I just am not cheerful about. I don't even really know where to begin with explaining it other than with the meaning behind the title.
D and I have been working a lot on a lot of things, mainly learning more about myself and then seeing where that takes me. Well over break when I was with my family I learned that I have a hard time liking them. I understand them fine, and I guess they are accepting of the me that they want me to be (Which is always something different everyday) but... they are ignorant, rude, negative, and annoying... And that's really not even the half of it. I don't do them justice by lying about who I am around them, D says, but then again why should I? I love them to death don't get me wrong. I can't imagine my life without them, without them I wouldn't be me... and that would be pointless. I am just really aggravated that I have to work so damn hard to please them all the time. Of course that is my choice... so I plan to choose to stop it.
I don't know where this is going. I do love my family a lot and I don't want to come off as some snobby bitch who always wants her way and hates life... but really it is annoying having to pretend to be someone I am not. It is scary learning how much I don't like my family. I am disappointed in my mom... how the fuck do I tell her that?
Mom-You should have been there... a normal mom would have been there... why weren't you there? Why did you let me throw my childhood away? Why did you HELP me throw my childhood away? What did I do to deserve this?
I explained to D the horror of my situation... I have both of them wanting me to be a baby... when they want me to be... and then they want me to be their friend... on their beck and call, and then they want me to be the foundation, the rock for the family that keeps them going. I am sorry but I can't nor do I want to be all of those things. I just want to be your equal please! I just want to feel loved and love you and that's that... I don't want to be the rock and I don't want to be the fucking baby...
I am not a baby. I am younger than both of them, I am my mom's child yes... but I am not a baby. I am a grown woman who still has a lot of growing to do... I am smart and talented and open minded and I hate being called a baby by someone I can't really respect. Does that make sense?
Oh god I feel like a horrible person for even saying these things. I should just be grateful for what I have and move on with it... but I am not (apparently)
Maybe one day I will be.
And then Brett... don't even get me started on Brett. He is kinda a douche bag... he doesn't think he is because he hates that term... fine he isnt a db he is an ahole... is that better really or are they about equal? To be so ignorant and yet so full of yourself is unappealing. He is a great guy and most of his traits are one I would love to find in a guy... but there are definitely things about him that just piss me off. And he doesn't seem to care at all. I know there are things about me that piss him off but what the fuck really? Maybe we shouldn't live together, maybe it is a bad idea after all.
I don't know anymore...
I just want all of my relationships to be as easy as the one I have with Tove... why is that too much to ask?
*sigh*
Alas (:)
Good night.
ANGEL
D and I have been working a lot on a lot of things, mainly learning more about myself and then seeing where that takes me. Well over break when I was with my family I learned that I have a hard time liking them. I understand them fine, and I guess they are accepting of the me that they want me to be (Which is always something different everyday) but... they are ignorant, rude, negative, and annoying... And that's really not even the half of it. I don't do them justice by lying about who I am around them, D says, but then again why should I? I love them to death don't get me wrong. I can't imagine my life without them, without them I wouldn't be me... and that would be pointless. I am just really aggravated that I have to work so damn hard to please them all the time. Of course that is my choice... so I plan to choose to stop it.
I don't know where this is going. I do love my family a lot and I don't want to come off as some snobby bitch who always wants her way and hates life... but really it is annoying having to pretend to be someone I am not. It is scary learning how much I don't like my family. I am disappointed in my mom... how the fuck do I tell her that?
Mom-You should have been there... a normal mom would have been there... why weren't you there? Why did you let me throw my childhood away? Why did you HELP me throw my childhood away? What did I do to deserve this?
I explained to D the horror of my situation... I have both of them wanting me to be a baby... when they want me to be... and then they want me to be their friend... on their beck and call, and then they want me to be the foundation, the rock for the family that keeps them going. I am sorry but I can't nor do I want to be all of those things. I just want to be your equal please! I just want to feel loved and love you and that's that... I don't want to be the rock and I don't want to be the fucking baby...
I am not a baby. I am younger than both of them, I am my mom's child yes... but I am not a baby. I am a grown woman who still has a lot of growing to do... I am smart and talented and open minded and I hate being called a baby by someone I can't really respect. Does that make sense?
Oh god I feel like a horrible person for even saying these things. I should just be grateful for what I have and move on with it... but I am not (apparently)
Maybe one day I will be.
And then Brett... don't even get me started on Brett. He is kinda a douche bag... he doesn't think he is because he hates that term... fine he isnt a db he is an ahole... is that better really or are they about equal? To be so ignorant and yet so full of yourself is unappealing. He is a great guy and most of his traits are one I would love to find in a guy... but there are definitely things about him that just piss me off. And he doesn't seem to care at all. I know there are things about me that piss him off but what the fuck really? Maybe we shouldn't live together, maybe it is a bad idea after all.
I don't know anymore...
I just want all of my relationships to be as easy as the one I have with Tove... why is that too much to ask?
*sigh*
Alas (:)
Good night.
ANGEL
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