Sink or Swim

I'm racing with emotions
More than normal it seems.
I'm not used to the stress
The constant anxiety.
I'm trying to be strong
Thinking about what's best for me.
I'm trying not to sink...

But it's sink or swim,
I'm sitting on the edge of something huge
Sink or swim
Reality's setting in
I'm not sure what to do
I gotta swim...

The guilt is overwhelming
Something I'm just not used to.
People so supportive
But I can't control the way I feel.
I'm holding on, Staying strong
I'm trying not to sink...

But it's sink or swim,
I'm sitting on the edge of something huge
Sink or swim
Reality's setting in
I'm not sure what to do
I gotta swim...

Some days it's lonely in here
No one knows my name
Sometimes I dream so hard
I forget all about reality...

Trying not to think,
I don't give a damn.
Trying not to sink,
I gotta swim...

But it's sink or swim,
I'm sitting on the edge of something huge
Sink or swim
Reality's setting in
I'm not sure what to do
I gotta swim...

Please help me cope
Throw me a rope
I'm tryin' here
But I'm just so scared

Care for me now...
I'm more fragile than ever before
I don't even know who I am anymore
I gotta swim...
I'm trying not to sink...

But it's sink or swim,
I'm sitting on the edge of something huge
Sink or swim
Reality's setting in
I'm not sure what to do
I gotta swim...

Note to Tove

hey... im kinda struggling right now so i just needed to send you a msg... I sent my brother a greeting and it turned into a sob fest... it was terribly revealing of how I have REALLY been doing... then i proceeded with crying some more then Facebook stalking Kathy... Which is a bad idea in my current state anyways but even worse considering I am bummed that idk that she is doing so many of the things I want to be doing... i am glad she is happy but I kinda need her right now a bit.. you know? not to listen to my sob stories but just to hear her laugh... and it kills me that I cant just call her. I can call you and you are the best friend anyone ANYONE could ever want... I love you to the moon and back again and I wish more than anything I was sitting in your company right now rather than in the company of a computer and youtube... but I am not. And seeing pics and hearing stories about what kathy is up to makes me want to call her and tell her.. i miss her and I am sorry there were times I wasnt there for her... but the sad thing is there was only ONE time I wasnt there for her and hundreds when she wasnt there for me... but for that one time... i feel eternally guilty. Guilt. That is the feeling I have right now... perpetual guilt... I wish it would just leave me alone for a minute... I need a hug... I need a great talk over some coffee and a friend... and a hug... but i dont have one ...
Mom bought a car today :) I am so proud of her. And she and John went ring shopping... can you believe it? Its gonna happen and I am so happy for them!
I hope your weekend is fab... I hope you got my voicemail and laughed... I hope I get to see you soon!
I love you more than you 'll ever know!Manda

A letter to my bubby

Just thinkin bout ya... I m sure by the time you read this it will be 3 weeks from now and we will all be ready to be in COLORADO!!!! God am I ever flippin ready to just be home in Colorado!!! I can't believe we have stayed away so long. I don't know about you but i feel a hole in my heart where CO used to be... I think an adult life there would be stellar... can you amagine... I was 15 when I left the great state so... I've never experienced it all... Anywho, I hope I get to talk to you tomorrow night like we planned... I am really missing you a lot! Mom is too, every day she tells me how much she misses her boy then when I bring up us being in Colorado soon she just gets all excited and mom-like... she hopes we do it... she wants us home. Anyways... Sorry I'm kinda ramblin, I do miss you an awful lot... I've been feeling really bad lately like guilty and stuff, for stupid shit... but mostly for the way my judgement was so shrouded(sp?)... you know? Like... forever, you have been my hero and there were so many things that like... idk I let him take over my mind... thats so hard to accept... you know? and I haven't really told anyone this, I haven't really admitted it to myself, but its like... super disappointing... and really hurting me a lot... because mostly I am a smart person and I am so confident, or I was, in who I am... but I let a weasel work his way into my mind... how does that happen? I hate knowing how weak i am to kindness/romance and all that shit... you know? All I have ever wanted was for someone to love me for me and somehow I thought that was impossible... and so I just changed... and I dont need to... im pretty cool... and I dont need someone else to love me I have a great family and amazing friends... but i have always been so scared that no one ever would, so I jumped LEAPED at the opportunity when it presented itself. Now I don't know... you know? Now I feel like I am easy to use and easy to change... I dont want to be... I don't want to be that girl. I mean... I read an old blog that I wrote back when you called me like the week he moved up to SF... and it was terrible... it wasnt me... it was horrifying the things I typed... I was MAD at you... for trying to protect me... for not accepting what I wanted... I thought maybe you thought I wasn't good enough to be in a relationship yet or whatever, but really... he wasnt, and you knew that before you ever met him... You knew all along and you did try to tell me a ton of times... i feel terrible... I feel great and terrible all at once... I feel like i am way too nieve and that you were right, when I was like 8... You got mad at me for something and you shouted at me from the bannister when I was in the family room "I am the independent one... youre the DEPENDENT... you will ALWAYS need other people to make you whole!" and i do. Im an awesome girl but I am a social girl as well... but I have always thought about that... thought about how you called it so long ago... you always do... 'sept when it's your life of course!
Bubby, I am sorry for all the crap I put you through, not only with John but with life in general. I am so glad you are such a remarkable brother, I am the luckiest little sister in the world and I know it... You are a shining star in my darkest days and I am sorry that I take you forgranted so much. I wish I could just have a million bubby hugs right now... they're the best kind in the world. I just feel so misunderstood and alone right now. I am loving living with mom again, when I see her... and I am so happy for her but.. I dont know. one day someone will love me for who I am... and one day someone will love you for who you are... and we won't go changin... I love you!
Little Sister

Songs... that fit

No Surprise because... it just fits perfectly... it is everything I want to say.

No Surprise- Daughtry

I've practiced this for hours, gone round and round
And now I think that I've got it all down
And as I say it louder, I love how it sounds
Cause I'm not taking the easy way out
Not wrappin' this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why

Chorus
It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

It came out like a river once I let it out
When I thought that I wouldn't know how
Held onto it forever, just pushing it down
Felt so good to let go of it now
Not wrapping this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why

Chorus
It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow
There's nothing here in this soul left to say
Don't be surprised when we hate this tomorrow
God knows we tried to find an easier way
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

Our favorite place we used to go
The warm embrace that no one knows
The loving look that's left your eyes
That's why this comes as no,
As no surprise

If I could see the future and how this plays out
I bet it's better than where we are now
But after going through this
It's easier to see the reason why

Chorus
It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today(stayed till today)
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

Our favorite place we used to go
The warm embrace that no one knows
The loving look that's left your eyes
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise


Hot and Cold because this is his emotional structure... there were so many times I was
singing this in the car, and thinking... this is SO what I am going through!--It was one of my eye openers...

Hot and Cold-Katy Perry

You change your mind like a girl changes clothes
Yeah, you change your mind like a girl I would know
And you always think, always speak cryptically
I should know that you're no good for me

'Cause you're hot and you're cold
You're yes and you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
You're black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

You, you don't really wanna stay, no
But you, you don't really wanna go,

oh'Cause you're hot and you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

We used to be just like twins, so in sync
The same energy now's a dead battery
Used to laugh 'bout nothing, now you're plain boring
I should know that you're not gonna change

'Cause you're hot and you're cold
You're yes and you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
You're black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
You, you don't really wanna stay, no
But you, you don't really wanna go, oh

You're hot and you're cold
You're yes and you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

Someone call the doctor
Got a case of a love disorder
Stuck on a roller coaster
Can't get off this ride

You change your mind like a girl changes clothes

'Cause you're hot and you're cold
You're yes and you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
You're black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
You, you don't really wanna stay, no
But you, you don't really wanna go, oh

You're hot and you're cold
You're yes and you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

Her Diamonds one time I was singing this song and I thought... man I wish this is how he felt about me. It was closer to the end of our relationship but I was just thinking... hell I wish he at least felt HALF of this song for me...

Her Diamonds-Rob Thomas

Oh what the hell she says
I just can't win for losing
And she lays back down
Man there's so many times
I don't know what I’m doin'
Like I don't know now

By the light of the moon
She rubs her eyes
Says it's funny how the night
Can make you blind
I can just imagine
And I don't know what I’m supposed to do
But if she feels bad then I do too
So I let her be

And she says oooh
I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cuz I can't help her now
She’s down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it's
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down

She sits down and stares into the distance
And it takes all night
And I know I could break her concentration
But it don't feel right

By the light of the moon
She rubs her eyes
Sits down on the bed and starts to cry
And there's something less about her

And I don't know what I’m supposed to do
So I sit down and I cry too
And don't let her see
And she says ooohI can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cuz I can't help her now
She’s down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it's
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down

She shuts out the night
Tries to close her eyes
If she can find daylight
She’ll be all right
She’ll be all right
Just not tonight

And she says oooh
I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cuz I can't help her now
She’s down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it's
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down

Since U Been Gone fits because it just does... it is now my Karaoke song for him... it is just how I feel about it. I am so incredibly free now that I don't have him standing over me all the time!

Since U Been Gone-Kelly Clarkson

Here's the thing
We started out friends
It was cool, but it was all pretend
Yeah, yeah, since you been gone

You're dedicated, you took the time
Wasn't long 'til I called you mine
Yeah, yeah, since you been gone

And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I picture me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say

But since you been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on, yeah yeah
Thanks to you, now I get what I want
Since you been gone

How can I put it, you put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah, yeah, since you been gone

How come I'd never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
Guess you never felt that way

But since you been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on, yeah, yeah
Thanks to you, now I get, I get what I want
Since you been gone

You had your chance, you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth, I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again

Since you been gone (since you been gone)
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on, yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get, I get what I want

I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on, yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get (I get)

You should know (you should know) that I get
I get what I want

Since you been gone
Since you been gone
Since you been gone

Better in Time is a song that I listened to one time after a HUGE fight we had... and every time I heard it since then reminded me of the fight... it also reminded me that it never did get better... we always fought closer to the end, I hated it!

Better in Time-Leona Lewis

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming
Thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All that I know is I'mma be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings
If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I'll believe in
And I know time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'mma be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

[Chorus: x2]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to (yes I do)
It'll all get better in time


Not Meant to Be is a song I loved but he hated... and onetime after I left him I heard it and I was like... OH MY GOD!!! That is why he hates it... thats why I love it... because it FIT!

Not Meant to Be-Theory of a Dead Man

It's never enough to say I'm sorry
It's never enough to say I care
But I'm caught between
what you wanted from me
And knowing that if I give that to you
I might just disappear

Nobody wins when everyone's losing

It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I, I can't change your mind
I know it's like trying to turn around on one way street
I can't give you what you want And it's killing me
And I, I'm starting to see
Maybe we're not meant to be

It's never enough to say I love you
No, it's never enough to say I try
It's hard to believe
That's theres no way out for you and me
And it seems to be the story of our lives

Nobody wins when everyone's losing

It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I, I can't change your mind
I know it's like trying to turn around on a one way street
I can't give you what you want And it's killing me
And I, I'm starting to see
Maybe we're not meant to be

There's still time to turn this around
You could building this up instead of tearing it down
But I keep thinking
Maybe it's too late

It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I, I can't change your mind
I know it's like trying to turn around on a one way street
I can't give you what you want And it's killing me
And I, I finally see
Maybe we're not meant to be

It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I, baby I'm sorry to see
Maybe we're not meant to be

Let me be Myself is a song that shows how I felt... I felt like I was being held under water. My own thoughts were foggy the entire time and I just didnt feel like I was able to be ME!

Let me be Myself-3 doors down

I guess i just got lost being someone else,
I tried to kill the pain
But nothing ever helped
I left myself behind
Somewhere along the way
Hoping to come back around and find myself some day

Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you
To say that it's OK, tell me please
Would you one time,
Let Me Be Myself
So i can shine, with my own light
Let Me Be Myself
Would you Let Me Be Myself

Coz I'll never find my heart Behind someone else
I'll never see the light of day
Living in this cell I
t's time to make my way Into the world i knew
And take back all of these times
That I gave in to you

Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you
To say that it's OK, tell me please
Would you one time,
Let Me Be Myself
So i can shine, with my own light
Let Me Be Myself,

For a while If you don't mind,
Let Me Be Myself
So i can shine, with my own light
Let Me Be Myself
That's all i ever wanted from this world
Was to let me be me..

Please, would you one time,
Let Me Be Myself
So i can shine, with my own light
Let Me Be Myself
Please, would you one time,
Let Me Be Myself
So i can shine, with my own light
Let Me Be Myself,
For a while If you don't mind,
Let Me Be Myself
So i can shine, with my own light
Let Me Be Myself

Sober is a song that we got into a HUGE fight over... I love this song so much... It was a huge breaking point when I realized he really didnt know me at all...

Sober-P!nk

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the mornin'
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Ah, the sun is blindin'
I stayed up again
Oh, I am findin'
That's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
'Cause I won't remember, save your breath'Cause what's the use?

Ah, the night is callin'
And it whispers to me softly, "Come and play"
But I, I am fallin'
And if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down
Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round
I'm lookin' for myself, sober
Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down
Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round
Lookin' for myself, sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good 'til it goes bad
'Til you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry 'never again'
Broken down in agony, just tryin' find a friend, oh,

ohI'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

Fall for You... I always wanted him to feel this way about me... but he hated this song... I loved this song. He hated all songs that made a girl feel good about herself because he thought it was stupid for a girl to get her self worth from a song. Funny thing... the first line, it was so true... there were nights when we wouldnt fight and that is how I would feel... typically it was when we were with his friends or family, or doing things he loved, I would feel so loved when those times came around... I lived for them... He hated the first line...

Fall for You-Secondhand Serenade

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting
Could it be that we have been this way before
I know you don't think that I am trying
I know you're wearing thin down to the core
But hold your breath

Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

This is not what I intended
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed but I have loved you from the start
Oh, But hold your breath

Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
It's impossible

So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in
I'm yours to keep
And hold on to your words
Cause talk is cheap
And remember me tonight
When you're asleep

Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find

Tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

Someday

Sometimes I wonder what is going to happen...
Where will I be one year from now. I know there is a lot to accomplish and it is a long hard climb, but if I look back it has really taken a lot longer to get here...
Someday I will have everything I really want. I know it is actually possible. I am not being greedy or selfish, I am not wanting more than what god gives me... but someday, it will happen.
I am not one to let go before I get what I want.. that's how we got into this mess in the first place... There is certainly such thing as being too damned determined!

Someday I will be an interpreter, one of the best in the land. people will know my name but they will also know my generosity.
Someday I will be home, in colorado, where I belong.
Someday I will have my car, the vw bug I promised myself.
Someday someone will want me again, and not just to be their slave girl but to be someone they truely care about.
Someday I will have kids, and I will be a GREAT mom.
Someday I will interpret on broadway... and I will be a highly requested theatre interpreter...
Someday I will be confident in my body... to match my confidence in myself.

I have to remember, what is best for me IS what is best, as long as no one else is getting hurt. Three musketeers are VERY important... and ... I am loved. end of story.

I want to kill you

I seriously am trying to work this out in my head. Me of all people, the strongest personality of the bunch, the smart girl, the one who would never settle... and I fell for YOU!? And now my entire future hangs in the balance and may not be what it is supposed to be because of you! BECAUSE OF YOU! I can't even imagine how the fuck you convinced me that I loved you so damned much, makes me feel like a fucking moron. And then you act like I am some sort of throw away by joining Match.com and fucking eharmony a week after I left. This is bullshit. I don't ever want to see your face again and I hope you fucking sign the papers as fast as possible and mail them off because I am DONE with you... I want absolutely NOTHING to do with you for the rest of my life. I wish I could take it all back I really wish I could. How could I be so blind, and stupid. The whole time the people who know and love me more than anything in the world were trying to tell me then just gave up and supported me because THAT is how much I mean to them. I mean NOTHING to you... I never have. You never actually loved the real me, you just thought you did. You never actually cared about what was best for me. The only time you were ever worth being around was when we were doing shit that makes YOU happy... well fuck that I am done. You better fucking hope there is some sort of answer out there... some way that I can get back to school this year because if there isnt, I will be spending the next 9 months finding ways to make your life hell... ok so probably I won't. Using all logic I know things will be okay because I am doing what is right... but I can not believe that you put me where you did... I can not believe you abused me the way you did you fuck head. You are such a lame immature piece of dirt and I hope the rest of your life you can never have a good relationship because you are completely incompetent. How the hell did this happen?! I can not believe that I let this happen...

The future is mine (I hope) I'm taking it all back... so Fuck you and fuck off... (lovely last words by the way....)

Right now...

Right now, I am more me than I have been in a all of my adult years.
Right now... I am happy to be free from the chains that bound my wrists and ankles.
Right now I am just happy to be me

but

Right now I am pissed cause you joined fucking Match.com
Right now I feel guilt that I didn't see this all coming... I had everything already there in front of me screaming, begging me to just end it... why didn't I?
Right now I gag when I hear the word soul mate what a crock...
Right now I hate the idea of you blaming this shit on your work... on you thinking this is about me and not you... I hate that you think we have a future--WE DON'T

but

Right now I feel butterflies each time I think of the future
Right now I am unsure of SO MUCH more than I want to be at this point
Right now... I tremble when I think of my future... will it be alone??

Right now my loneliness is more apparent than it ever has been
Right now, the bed feels more empty, the silence is so much quieter, the laundry just doesn't stack up fast enough
Right now... I feel lost and alone and confused and scared

but

Right now... I feel strong and motivated and secure and knowing and IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE... and that is new... and scary, but good and right.
Right now, I know I am doing the right thing for me, the right thing for you even--you self centered greedy asshole with absolutely no respect for me--this might make your life better!
Right now... I smile at the thought of knowing I am free... Free to fly once more.