A letter to my bubby

Just thinkin bout ya... I m sure by the time you read this it will be 3 weeks from now and we will all be ready to be in COLORADO!!!! God am I ever flippin ready to just be home in Colorado!!! I can't believe we have stayed away so long. I don't know about you but i feel a hole in my heart where CO used to be... I think an adult life there would be stellar... can you amagine... I was 15 when I left the great state so... I've never experienced it all... Anywho, I hope I get to talk to you tomorrow night like we planned... I am really missing you a lot! Mom is too, every day she tells me how much she misses her boy then when I bring up us being in Colorado soon she just gets all excited and mom-like... she hopes we do it... she wants us home. Anyways... Sorry I'm kinda ramblin, I do miss you an awful lot... I've been feeling really bad lately like guilty and stuff, for stupid shit... but mostly for the way my judgement was so shrouded(sp?)... you know? Like... forever, you have been my hero and there were so many things that like... idk I let him take over my mind... thats so hard to accept... you know? and I haven't really told anyone this, I haven't really admitted it to myself, but its like... super disappointing... and really hurting me a lot... because mostly I am a smart person and I am so confident, or I was, in who I am... but I let a weasel work his way into my mind... how does that happen? I hate knowing how weak i am to kindness/romance and all that shit... you know? All I have ever wanted was for someone to love me for me and somehow I thought that was impossible... and so I just changed... and I dont need to... im pretty cool... and I dont need someone else to love me I have a great family and amazing friends... but i have always been so scared that no one ever would, so I jumped LEAPED at the opportunity when it presented itself. Now I don't know... you know? Now I feel like I am easy to use and easy to change... I dont want to be... I don't want to be that girl. I mean... I read an old blog that I wrote back when you called me like the week he moved up to SF... and it was terrible... it wasnt me... it was horrifying the things I typed... I was MAD at you... for trying to protect me... for not accepting what I wanted... I thought maybe you thought I wasn't good enough to be in a relationship yet or whatever, but really... he wasnt, and you knew that before you ever met him... You knew all along and you did try to tell me a ton of times... i feel terrible... I feel great and terrible all at once... I feel like i am way too nieve and that you were right, when I was like 8... You got mad at me for something and you shouted at me from the bannister when I was in the family room "I am the independent one... youre the DEPENDENT... you will ALWAYS need other people to make you whole!" and i do. Im an awesome girl but I am a social girl as well... but I have always thought about that... thought about how you called it so long ago... you always do... 'sept when it's your life of course!
Bubby, I am sorry for all the crap I put you through, not only with John but with life in general. I am so glad you are such a remarkable brother, I am the luckiest little sister in the world and I know it... You are a shining star in my darkest days and I am sorry that I take you forgranted so much. I wish I could just have a million bubby hugs right now... they're the best kind in the world. I just feel so misunderstood and alone right now. I am loving living with mom again, when I see her... and I am so happy for her but.. I dont know. one day someone will love me for who I am... and one day someone will love you for who you are... and we won't go changin... I love you!
Little Sister