Peace

I need to find my inner peace... i can tell I am getting closer, I am not making it a goal, but it needs to happen. Not necessarily soon, just needs to happen in general. I am seriously suffering here... I think the pain is the real me tearing through the flesh of the facade that has been ruling the roost for so damned long. I am quite sure that this will be the end of it. Once I can lay shit out on the table with my family and just start being me... things will get better. I enjoy being a happy person, yes, but does happiness always come with a smile? I can be content and not lie. I am so used to jumping to the comfortable smile people are so used to seeing with me... I need to get comfortable with jumping to the ME people aren't used to seeing.

I am so care free but am I free of care? Absolutely not, it takes more energy for me to be the person I think they want to see when in reality, I need to be me. I can't carry on this way anymore especially considering the fact that my life will soon get more complex with my work being my number one priority something that will impact me emotionally quite often. I need to be able to be myself.

sick of this

I am so fucking sick of feeling so angry. My heart just aches and I just cry and cry and it won't go away. I am angry with everyone and I don't know how to handle it and then it makes me feel so lonely and isolated too... I just to know what to think or feel right now. i am really just feeling like death inside. I feel great but horrible at the same time i am just fucking stuck... god. Then it's like I am bugging brett or something and its like dude I don't want to bug you or whatever but fuck just return my calls or answer when I call or listen to me when I talk or something! come on! And then I talk to mom and she's like "I know you're bored but I have work to do" and maybe I do call cause I am bored, that is probably the reason... but I want SOMETHING I feel like I give so much and get so little in return I am expected to be the fricking foundation for our family, the support beams through all the shit we have been through and yet when I want a little bit of attention for something I feel like it is not there. Sure I want to go back to RC a week early why the fuck wouldn't I but at the same time once I get there and we get into conversations I won't be able to hold my own anyway. Shit. And then here it's like here or there... well if I had to pick I would pick there for sure. HERE it is fucking TORTURE! these people are freaks! They are old and douche bags They're old and I am young and they expect something from me and I don't expect that from them and it's dumb as shit! I just have this rage within me making me want to break things and hurt shit and eat... and I don't really WANT to eat but I WANT to eat you know what I mean?! God this is horrifying I am not even close to the bubbly person everyone, including myself, thinks I am. What do I do now? How do I embrace the new girl who is just not that girl?

Where's the anger from?...

I discovered today that I am angry. Anger is not a bad thing like I once thought it was… it is funny cause with the discovery of being angry I realized I am angry with my mom and my brother. Not with them right now but with them and the past. For example, I am angry with my mom for putting so much emotional stress on me when I was just a young teenager. For telling me everything that was going on in her divorce with my dad while it was unfolding in front of my eyes. For not controlling her drinking during the divorce and for jumping so quickly to moving and then being with Clint. It was like dad was barely gone and Clint was in the picture. And sure, he was just her friend and they didn’t sleep together or anything, but we all know what he was a replacement for. When Clint was just barely faded John was in the picture. I am angry with her not taking care of herself emotionally and spiritually the way she says she has. I am angry that she lectures me about taking better care of myself when she doesn’t take as good of care of herself as she should. I am angry with the idea that anger has to be a bad thing. When did it get this bad “rap”? I think anger is healthy. It is important. I am angry with my brother for leaving me to carry it all. I carried it all and I am angry about it. I am angry with my brother for wasting his life, he has a perfectly good one and he wasted half of it… I am not angry at him now, this doesn’t mean I have to hate him or be mad at him, but the anger is there and I have to work through it. I have to process it before I can be happy from my toes to my eyes.

Disappointing

I don't know why I am so disappointed in myself. I got an A- and a B+ those are very good grades, especially considering how much worse I have done in the past, but I want to be a GREAT interpreter and I want to pass the NIC with FLYING colors, and the grades I got on my finals just didn't illuminate that enough. I don't feel confident anymore because the grades struck my confidence down. I am sure if I talked with her about it she would be able to explain why... and maybe I was still one of the best...but maybe I wasn't and that's the part that concerns me the most.

Rage

The anger is seriously coursing through my veins. I can feel it burning all the way to my finger tips and I can't stand it. I can't stand knowing that I will be angry so much! I hate this feeling. I hate him too. Really I think I do. Because even now I am depending on him... he wants the fucking ring... yet I don't want to give it to him. but he wants to pay off the dishes... but I don't want to give the ring to him... if i don't give it to him will he end up just fucking stopping paying the dishes. Should I just give him the fucking ring? OMYGOD! and why the fuck did they come home tonight? I know tomorrow is going to be hell because of it... or maybe it won't who knows?! AHHH! And mom is having fun and being happy and i hate being here alone... and hearing the happiness. GROSS! all i wanna do is scream at the top of my lungs but my fucking old ass aunt and uncle are here and would hear it... why the fuck are they home?! Why can't I earn enough money to pay off my fucking debts?! WHY!? WHY!? WHY!? things seem so fucking hard all the time and I just can't stand it... oh well... what-ever... I will do what I can when I can and what I can't do will just have to fuck off.
the end
IM done
forever
angel

I hate the way I feel today. I can't get past this bump. There's a lump in my throat that won't go away and I am not sure what to do about it. I have been sleeping WAY too much and not crying enough... I am over stressed over what I am not sure. I know these emotions have a reason, a name, something to show me why I am feeling this way. But I can't get over it and it is driving me insane! I can't figure this out and it is dragging me down and there is nothing more I can say. I am in fear for my heart and my spirit and everything is melting away. I am stressed and so tired so so tired... I can't believe how much sleeping I can do which is a HUGE sign that there is something wrong. I feel tense, lonely, disappointed in myself, angry... I just... I don't know I feel like a nut job! GAGGAARRR

Losing my family...

This week I went through a lot with a variety of things. In general the last 7 weeks of my life have been a roller coaster ride and once I am comfortable with being happy it is time to not be happy anymore.

One thing that I am struggling with is family. The reason is I uncovered a lot of feelings with Dee on Tuesday... and then with what's been going on in the Josie case... it is looking like my mom has to leave them... for good. She has forgotten to take care of her, and that is what is most important, it has to be.

It is so painful knowing that mom has to go through this again... and it is painful for me to go through it again... this is the third time in my life I have lost a family, second time this year. Now I am not saying you were my family by any means, I don't miss what we had, what we had hurt more than anything anyone can imagine, BUT with you came a few great people, and it was harder for me to say goodbye to them than it was to say good bye to you.

It is scary. But at the same time it is reassuring that the right place for us right now is Colorado. Brett just got there yesterday and he is so happy... and I had a great day today, found out I might get 75 maybe even 82 grand a year in Colorado which is home to me. I am really happy in my professional life, but my personal life is another story. It is so hard to be torn in two right now and to have to deal with it alone.

I am not saying you were there for me. As a matter of fact it was the opposite, whatever that is. You were never there for me you never cared enough about what was important to me to be there to support me... but it is very hard to be alone right now. It is like 3:30 at night and I am just scared to move because I am not sure of what to do next. I do fine when I have structure, I have structure. Classes are at this time every day... assignments are at this time every week... standard, easy to remember... okay i get that. But what about right now... 3:30 alone, tired, torn, mixed feelings... where do I go now, What do i do now? How am I supposed to feel right now?

I feel like with the loss of my family at such a crucial age maybe I lost a huge part of who I am as well... maybe I lost the ability to make those decisions... I am not sure. I feel like a sad lonely little girl trapped without a family or friends... im scared

but I have support... that must not be what I need. What I need is my own support? confidence? I don't know... I am having a hard time with Wednesdays apparently this year... lol ... Torn in two once again... I really feel like I should be driving to Rapid City right now... just to be there for her... I feel so bad that she has to go through this alone. Its not fair to her... she was there for me... i was there for her before... when it really wasn't appropriate, but she is my best friend and I should be there for her. I don't mean I have to go crazy with it or anything, I just need to be there to love and support her and give her a big loving hug... just that much ... that's all I ask, but is that too much? Am I supposed to just sit here and hold back and let them go through all of this alone? that kills me... i don't want to fix it, I just want to be there... to listen, to hug, to take her mind off of it for a minute, to help her build up the strength... she would do it for me in a heart beat.

I really don't know, maybe I just need to let myself cry more. I am going through a lot of emotions lately and it is important to get the emotions out not bottle them up, it is hard for me to do that...

*sigh*

I will talk with Dee about it more tomorrow morning... I figure I will have a decision by then.

good night
angel

Almost Done

You tore me apart, you ripped me in two. You stomped on my heart and didn't give a shit. You let me go just far enough to yank me back in ... you killed my spirit, my happiness... my life.

You ate away at my entire being and cared not what you did. You kept me from those who love me and forced me to see that you didn't... you took everything I had and never appreciated it. You ate it all up and cared not one bit.

You took for granted my weaknesses, used them against me. You took up my time and changed who I am... you knew I was weak and you preyed upon me and you cared not at all what you did.

I look back now and try to figure out how I could let this happen, I look back and scream when I remember the pain... I can't keep myself from this, this anger this pain... I can't stop the hurt you buried inside of me. I am terrified to let go, what will happen then? I am scared to just live and be at peace with who I am... what if I don't like me... what if I have changed too much?

I look at your pictures your profiles and emails, I try to avoid them but there is no way to escape. In this world we live in there are so many connecting threads between you and I how will I escape what will I do.

I have to move forward and focus on me, what is best for Amanda and who she can be... I have to understand there is nothing I can control except the things I can and those are where my efforts must stand.

I'm not sorry for hurting you or whatever I have done. I am not sorry for scaring you into realizing what you've become... as a matter of fact YOU'RE WELCOME because I know one day you will wish you had thanked me... You were an ass, you were a jerk, you were controlling and hurtful, you never loved me not the real me and you hurt me and used and abused me... and you're welcome for introducing you to the leach of a human you are... you will one day thank me for coming this far.

I am not sorry that I take this all back, I am not sorry that I focus on myself, I am not sorry for the leaps and bounds I have made since the past has past... Good bye-farewell... i hope to never see your sorry face again, and if you do appear in my life you better walk away quickly...

Soon enough the letter will arrive declaring my freedom and when it does I will be ME again I will take it everywhere and scream from rooftops... Free at last free at last thank god almighty I am free at last... and you will be gone... erased from my mind, from my memories from time... You will be gone for good.

Toodle-loo
Angel

My Gratefuls....

I am so happy and grateful now that I have a brand new pale yellow turbo VW bug with a sun roof, spoiler, special hub-caps and hot pink flowers in the vase...

I am so happy and grateful now that I have a million dollars in my bank account.

I am so happy and grateful now that I am able to donate plenty of time and money to my favorite charities.

I am so happy and grateful now that I am at the perfect 160 lbs and I wear a size 8 clothing... I look amazing!

I am so happy and grateful that I am in perfect health.

I am so happy and grateful that I graduated college on May 23, 2010 and with amazing grades!

I am so happy and grateful that I passed the NIC at advanced my first try and feel amazing!

I am so happy and grateful that I have an amazing job at the Denver Center of Performing Arts as their ASL interpreter.

I am so happy and grateful that to have a nice clean house that meets all of my needs and expectations.

I am so happy and grateful to be able to travel around the world at any time with my family.

I am so happy and grateful to be in a loving and committed relationship with my perfect partner.

I am so happy and grateful that I am always on time!

I am so happy and grateful to have such an amazing love for life, the world, and the universe.

the end of the world...

I remember the day I finally decided to leave you... So I am going to document it, while I still can.

There were several things leading up to it of course... I think one of the most important was I was noticing more and more that you showed no support for me... all this time I thought you were kind of kidding around, but as time went on, nothing changed and the lightbulbs started to turn on... I realized very quickly that whatever future I COULD invision... was not the future for me!

So when my mom was going to come to town I was starting to get nervous. I knew with all that was going on in my mind it was going to be impossible for me to hold it all in. On top of that you never let me spend any time with my family and when by some chance I did spend time with them it was not without guilt. So I wanted to spend time with my mom and I was scared because I knew it wouldn't go over well with you at all!

Finally I decided to just do it... mom came and the weekend started off strong because I had cleaned the ENTIRE apartment by myself like hands and knees kind of cleaning. I got absolutely no thanks for it and then finally when it was getting down to the wire and I wanted your help, I said something kind of mean or something and it pissed you off so then you said you were going to play video games and tried to step past me. I pushed you a bit an said "Oh hey come on! Just help!" And you shoved me against the wall... sat down and played your games. Like a child. So i finished up by myself and mom came over and said the place looked great, which it did, thanks to me. That night we went out somewhere I can't quite think of where, and we ate dinner and enjoyed some time together, you were probably quiet like usual and "let" mom and I talk but butted in when you wanted to get your 2 cents across.

The next morning was Saturday morning and you had to be at work at like some absurd hour so mom and I went to curves and went to do yoga in the park... then we went and had some coffee and just really enjoyed our day to the fullest extent. We were going to try to go to a movie and when I said something to you about it through text I got rude responses about how my family is stupid for always wanting to see movies together. Well that is just how we are, so I told mom about it and it really upset her... but she let it go. We ended up going to Grille 26 instead so you could meet up with us but when you got there you were in a sour mood, of course. And when mom brought up your stomach ache you got upset, and then when she brought up the options for your FOOT! Heaven forbid someone care about you! You blew up at her and told her "My foot is fine and if you say one more word about it I am leaving!" So mom got up for a breather and came back... and you asked, "Did I upset you by saying that?" and she explained that it really pissed her off that you couldn't have adult conversations... etc.

So you stood up in a huff unwilling to work things out in the adult and civil manner, and when I reached for you you grabbed my wrist and threw it against the booth. From there you stormed out to the car and I came out to tell you to be carefull and try one more time to keep you from leaving. Before I went out to the car I sat at the booth contemplating whether or not it was even worth it... When I got to the car and opened the door you punched what I thought was the dash... then you proceeded to cuss at me and so I let you go... in my car. From there I went back into the restaurant a total mess... knowing in my heart that this was going to be the end.

I sat down across from mom and she asked me what was wrong and I said I didn't want to talk about it. We "ate" I tried to eat... and then we were getting ready to leave. I decided I would give it one more shot and call you so I did... I called and asked if you wanted to deal with this in an adult way... and you were rude.. I asked if you wanted to come and watch a movie with us and you basically said "I knew you were going to watch a movie and No i don't want to come over!" So i asked if it was cause you weren't feeling well and you said "Well that's part of it..." so then I said "okay well I love you..." and your lovely caring and amazing response was: "Fuck you and Fuck off... " then you hung up. and I hung up... and BAWLED!

My mom was standing right there... she saw it all... never again could I lie to her. Little did I know (Or maybe I did know) that would be the last of any time I would "mean it" when I said "I love you" that would be the turning point in my life...

Mom and I went to walmart and she bought me the tinker bell pjs I had been wanting so badly... then we went to hyvee and got a bottle of wine and a movie... she kept asking me if I was ready to talk and I said "Not yet not yet..." but I knew I would talk and I knew she would listen. When we got back to Mickey's place it was a whole new ball game... I finally started talking... I told her everything. I started small kind of gauging her reactions. Telling her how awesome you were when we were with your friends and how it was so different when we weren't. I told her about some of the things I did and didn't do because of you... once I knew she was listening and those things weren't good... the dam broke. I told her ever thing that ever happened between us... down to intimate moments... things I never expected... Somethings I didn't even know were bad... all the time she was strong and loving. At 9 she had to call John... so I let her... and I went upstairs and listened to their conversation... at that point I just didn't want to be alone with my thoughts. I sat in the hallway listening to her tell John that her baby is being tortured and she doesn't know what to do or say or what will happen next and it's all so hard because she has to stay strong for me... Well later we went back down stairs and the decisions had to be made...

Mom asked me a few simple questions to help me figure out where I wanted to go from here... finally at one point I said "I need to get a divorce!" She was shocked of course because we all wish in a perfect world things like that wouldn't happen, but this world isn't perfect and neither am I... That was the hardest sentence of the whole night. Coming to that conclusion seemed impossible. By this point you had called and texted several times so I knew something was coming... You appeared behind my mom in the glass door watching me cry... you came in and asked what was wrong and I told you we were just talking... you asked if we were going to get a divorce and I said "I don't know".. we hugged and you left... then I figured out wha tI needed to do... I was scared and shocked and shaken and it was hard... very hard... then we called brett... he loves me! We talked for a bit... things were fine... then we moved on... Tove came over and we went to the house to get the car... thats when I found out you punched the windsheild not the dashboard... that was amazingly helpful in my decision to leave... a man who will punch a windsheild will punch a woman... thats that.

The rest is really history, I just remember that night feeling completely lost and confused ... scared and lonely... and now... Im less of all of those things and VERY happy and VERY me! That is what is important!

I don't miss you at all... I have a feeling I may have never been in love with you but I won't know until I am IN LOVE for real... No, I don't plan on being in contact with you after this is all over, i dont see a reason... of 7 billion people in the world... I am sure I can find a better friend.

Angel

HAHAHA Giving advice now?

"what are some of his goals in life? how does he feel about and treat those around him that he loves? does he talk about people behind their backs? just typical things you should consider when trying to find a good person that's right for you. you deserve a good person that'll take care of you and won't take for granted the things you will do for him."--From John to Jasmine in a Myspace email...

What are his goals in life?--None clear at the moment, always a bit hayzy....

How does he feel about those he loves?-- HE loves them a ton but never wants them to know it

How does he treat those he loves?-- Great when he wants to, terribly when he wants to...

Does he talk about people behind their backs?-- All the fucking time, especially my loved ones, not his, just mine!

Take care of you-- NEVER EVER

Wont take for granted the things you will do for him?-- HAHA Thats a laugh!

Angel

Angry

It sucks really... My personality right now is so me and then sometimes it could not be further from who I am. I have plenty of times when I am cheerful and perky and just rairin to go ... but then there will be someone who just clashes with me and now isntead of ignoring it like I would have normally before, now I just get so angry, and snappy...

Like today, there is this guy Todd at work who is a manager but shouldn't be... he is a total dimwit and an asshole to boot. I guess he is a good dad but I have a hard time imagining that since he is so useless in general. He is rude and condecending... he is lazy, and every time someone says something he has to just jut something back at them right away, he never gives anyone a moment of anything... Today Jessica was talking about how she likes working here and something or other and he said "Oh just wait until Christmas season..." any normal human being would have said "Well we are glad you like it here, we like having you..." but noooo Todd has to be a negative bastard. And it is things like that, being condecending, and negative and a "know it all" personality really reminds me so flippin much of my fucking ex... he is sucha douche bag...

I have to say I am lucky in some cases because he is being so nice and easy going about everything but really, he is being an ass... in general he is an ass... all in all JUST AN ASSHOLE! I can't wait for the moment when I have the papers in my hand that say the divorce is final, I don't care where I am or what I am doing, I will fucking cheer out loud for heaven's sake... I will jump from buildings... I can not wait for that moment... I just cant!

It will be here
One day

Very soon!!

Until then, I should go to bed...
Goodnight,
Angel

The things I can't wait for...

I can't wait until i graduate! I really am so excited
Even sooner, I can't wait for school to start... having a fresh new page for school and my LAST year... I am just so excited!

I Can't wait for internship... I know it will be a remarkable experience and I seriously hope it goes as well as I think it will.
I can't wait for Labor day, when I get to finally spend some more time in Colorado doing some fun stuff, and then I get to see my Bubby and momma and we get to hang out and do whatever and go to a Rockies game and all of it!!

I can't wait for my cleanse, I think it will help. I feel bad that I have been cheating kinda but I want to get in all my cravings before i just say "Screw you" to them all... y'know?
I can't wait for my intimate/personal pictures and I definitely can't wait for Jamie to draw/paint them for me... that would be so flippin sweet.
I can't wait to get my freedom/independence tattoo...

I can't wait for the divorce to be final, then I can just drop that bastard like a sack of rocks and leave him where he lies...

I can't wait to move to Colorado... How effing amazing to be home where my heart is, and if Bubs and I get the opportunity to live together that would be even more amazing!

I can't wait to date again... I know I shouldn't even be thinking about it but I can't wait for the opportunity to start from scratch!

I can't wait to have babies... I want to be a mom so much and I really am excited for being one... I know it is A LONG WAY OFF but still, something that i value having back.
I can't wait to do the things I want to do like interpreting and getting jobs and all of that!

I can't wait to get back into the groove of things...
I can't wait to hear back from Brenda about my financial situation, and from the Dean about my stupid history class...
I can't wait to get this shit behind me... and get into my internship... where the real work begins.

I can't wait to get settled, hopefully in Michelle and Paul's garage apartment for 9 months... i feel like that is where I need to be and if I can just settle down for a minute or two and just get back to me... i will be good

I can't wait to go out... and just... HAVE FUN and be myself how awesome would that be...
I can't wait for my next kiss... who will it be? how will it feel? will there be sparks?

I can't wait for all of these things, but what is important right now is that I figure out the small steps, how to get there. I make a plan, and I follow through. I know that going back to being a night time owl teeniebopper is fun, but I really need to just be a grown up now. I get the chance to be who I want to be and do what I want to do. I want to be a HARD WORKER and smart and fun and a person who cleans up after myself... that is all good but I have to actually do it. Old habits die hard..> SUPER hard! but I can find a way... I am sure.

*sigh*

Life could be simple, but then it wouldn't be worth living. We all have to go through the hard shit to get to the good stuff, and life is too short to sit on your ass and let it pass by.

I am excited, for who I am and for what is to come... :) Thank God for second chances, family, friends, and a good heart!

Angel

Am I an idiot?

Why the hell did I think it was okay to contact his family? why? SERIOUSLY!? I can not believe that I thought it would be "Fine and dandy" to just call his grandma and talk with her casually... then to think that I could write Jasmine an email and expect her to I dont know... connect with me or something... GAY... I am such an idiot! I am not really an idiot, I am actually quite smart and way too damn loving for my own good... his family well they are blood, and Jasmine, well she is a bitch who knows nothing so oh well... John is an asshole. Plain and simple. No REAL man who actually LOVED me would have done those things or said those things to me... they wouldn't have. A real man would have loved me all the time and wanted to celebrate my triumphs with me... an asshole is what he is.

No man will ever EVER threaten me again
NO man will EVER miss out on how amazing of a person I am
No man will put himself before me too often
No man will refuse to do things for me just because he doesn't feel like it...
NO MAN will treat me the way he did, ever ever EVER again!

Sink or Swim

I'm racing with emotions
More than normal it seems.
I'm not used to the stress
The constant anxiety.
I'm trying to be strong
Thinking about what's best for me.
I'm trying not to sink...

But it's sink or swim,
I'm sitting on the edge of something huge
Sink or swim
Reality's setting in
I'm not sure what to do
I gotta swim...

The guilt is overwhelming
Something I'm just not used to.
People so supportive
But I can't control the way I feel.
I'm holding on, Staying strong
I'm trying not to sink...

But it's sink or swim,
I'm sitting on the edge of something huge
Sink or swim
Reality's setting in
I'm not sure what to do
I gotta swim...

Some days it's lonely in here
No one knows my name
Sometimes I dream so hard
I forget all about reality...

Trying not to think,
I don't give a damn.
Trying not to sink,
I gotta swim...

But it's sink or swim,
I'm sitting on the edge of something huge
Sink or swim
Reality's setting in
I'm not sure what to do
I gotta swim...

Please help me cope
Throw me a rope
I'm tryin' here
But I'm just so scared

Care for me now...
I'm more fragile than ever before
I don't even know who I am anymore
I gotta swim...
I'm trying not to sink...

But it's sink or swim,
I'm sitting on the edge of something huge
Sink or swim
Reality's setting in
I'm not sure what to do
I gotta swim...

Note to Tove

hey... im kinda struggling right now so i just needed to send you a msg... I sent my brother a greeting and it turned into a sob fest... it was terribly revealing of how I have REALLY been doing... then i proceeded with crying some more then Facebook stalking Kathy... Which is a bad idea in my current state anyways but even worse considering I am bummed that idk that she is doing so many of the things I want to be doing... i am glad she is happy but I kinda need her right now a bit.. you know? not to listen to my sob stories but just to hear her laugh... and it kills me that I cant just call her. I can call you and you are the best friend anyone ANYONE could ever want... I love you to the moon and back again and I wish more than anything I was sitting in your company right now rather than in the company of a computer and youtube... but I am not. And seeing pics and hearing stories about what kathy is up to makes me want to call her and tell her.. i miss her and I am sorry there were times I wasnt there for her... but the sad thing is there was only ONE time I wasnt there for her and hundreds when she wasnt there for me... but for that one time... i feel eternally guilty. Guilt. That is the feeling I have right now... perpetual guilt... I wish it would just leave me alone for a minute... I need a hug... I need a great talk over some coffee and a friend... and a hug... but i dont have one ...
Mom bought a car today :) I am so proud of her. And she and John went ring shopping... can you believe it? Its gonna happen and I am so happy for them!
I hope your weekend is fab... I hope you got my voicemail and laughed... I hope I get to see you soon!
I love you more than you 'll ever know!Manda

A letter to my bubby

Just thinkin bout ya... I m sure by the time you read this it will be 3 weeks from now and we will all be ready to be in COLORADO!!!! God am I ever flippin ready to just be home in Colorado!!! I can't believe we have stayed away so long. I don't know about you but i feel a hole in my heart where CO used to be... I think an adult life there would be stellar... can you amagine... I was 15 when I left the great state so... I've never experienced it all... Anywho, I hope I get to talk to you tomorrow night like we planned... I am really missing you a lot! Mom is too, every day she tells me how much she misses her boy then when I bring up us being in Colorado soon she just gets all excited and mom-like... she hopes we do it... she wants us home. Anyways... Sorry I'm kinda ramblin, I do miss you an awful lot... I've been feeling really bad lately like guilty and stuff, for stupid shit... but mostly for the way my judgement was so shrouded(sp?)... you know? Like... forever, you have been my hero and there were so many things that like... idk I let him take over my mind... thats so hard to accept... you know? and I haven't really told anyone this, I haven't really admitted it to myself, but its like... super disappointing... and really hurting me a lot... because mostly I am a smart person and I am so confident, or I was, in who I am... but I let a weasel work his way into my mind... how does that happen? I hate knowing how weak i am to kindness/romance and all that shit... you know? All I have ever wanted was for someone to love me for me and somehow I thought that was impossible... and so I just changed... and I dont need to... im pretty cool... and I dont need someone else to love me I have a great family and amazing friends... but i have always been so scared that no one ever would, so I jumped LEAPED at the opportunity when it presented itself. Now I don't know... you know? Now I feel like I am easy to use and easy to change... I dont want to be... I don't want to be that girl. I mean... I read an old blog that I wrote back when you called me like the week he moved up to SF... and it was terrible... it wasnt me... it was horrifying the things I typed... I was MAD at you... for trying to protect me... for not accepting what I wanted... I thought maybe you thought I wasn't good enough to be in a relationship yet or whatever, but really... he wasnt, and you knew that before you ever met him... You knew all along and you did try to tell me a ton of times... i feel terrible... I feel great and terrible all at once... I feel like i am way too nieve and that you were right, when I was like 8... You got mad at me for something and you shouted at me from the bannister when I was in the family room "I am the independent one... youre the DEPENDENT... you will ALWAYS need other people to make you whole!" and i do. Im an awesome girl but I am a social girl as well... but I have always thought about that... thought about how you called it so long ago... you always do... 'sept when it's your life of course!
Bubby, I am sorry for all the crap I put you through, not only with John but with life in general. I am so glad you are such a remarkable brother, I am the luckiest little sister in the world and I know it... You are a shining star in my darkest days and I am sorry that I take you forgranted so much. I wish I could just have a million bubby hugs right now... they're the best kind in the world. I just feel so misunderstood and alone right now. I am loving living with mom again, when I see her... and I am so happy for her but.. I dont know. one day someone will love me for who I am... and one day someone will love you for who you are... and we won't go changin... I love you!
Little Sister

Songs... that fit

No Surprise because... it just fits perfectly... it is everything I want to say.

No Surprise- Daughtry

I've practiced this for hours, gone round and round
And now I think that I've got it all down
And as I say it louder, I love how it sounds
Cause I'm not taking the easy way out
Not wrappin' this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why

Chorus
It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

It came out like a river once I let it out
When I thought that I wouldn't know how
Held onto it forever, just pushing it down
Felt so good to let go of it now
Not wrapping this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why

Chorus
It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow
There's nothing here in this soul left to say
Don't be surprised when we hate this tomorrow
God knows we tried to find an easier way
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

Our favorite place we used to go
The warm embrace that no one knows
The loving look that's left your eyes
That's why this comes as no,
As no surprise

If I could see the future and how this plays out
I bet it's better than where we are now
But after going through this
It's easier to see the reason why

Chorus
It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today(stayed till today)
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

Our favorite place we used to go
The warm embrace that no one knows
The loving look that's left your eyes
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise


Hot and Cold because this is his emotional structure... there were so many times I was
singing this in the car, and thinking... this is SO what I am going through!--It was one of my eye openers...

Hot and Cold-Katy Perry

You change your mind like a girl changes clothes
Yeah, you change your mind like a girl I would know
And you always think, always speak cryptically
I should know that you're no good for me

'Cause you're hot and you're cold
You're yes and you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
You're black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

You, you don't really wanna stay, no
But you, you don't really wanna go,

oh'Cause you're hot and you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

We used to be just like twins, so in sync
The same energy now's a dead battery
Used to laugh 'bout nothing, now you're plain boring
I should know that you're not gonna change

'Cause you're hot and you're cold
You're yes and you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
You're black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
You, you don't really wanna stay, no
But you, you don't really wanna go, oh

You're hot and you're cold
You're yes and you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

Someone call the doctor
Got a case of a love disorder
Stuck on a roller coaster
Can't get off this ride

You change your mind like a girl changes clothes

'Cause you're hot and you're cold
You're yes and you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
You're black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
You, you don't really wanna stay, no
But you, you don't really wanna go, oh

You're hot and you're cold
You're yes and you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

Her Diamonds one time I was singing this song and I thought... man I wish this is how he felt about me. It was closer to the end of our relationship but I was just thinking... hell I wish he at least felt HALF of this song for me...

Her Diamonds-Rob Thomas

Oh what the hell she says
I just can't win for losing
And she lays back down
Man there's so many times
I don't know what I’m doin'
Like I don't know now

By the light of the moon
She rubs her eyes
Says it's funny how the night
Can make you blind
I can just imagine
And I don't know what I’m supposed to do
But if she feels bad then I do too
So I let her be

And she says oooh
I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cuz I can't help her now
She’s down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it's
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down

She sits down and stares into the distance
And it takes all night
And I know I could break her concentration
But it don't feel right

By the light of the moon
She rubs her eyes
Sits down on the bed and starts to cry
And there's something less about her

And I don't know what I’m supposed to do
So I sit down and I cry too
And don't let her see
And she says ooohI can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cuz I can't help her now
She’s down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it's
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down

She shuts out the night
Tries to close her eyes
If she can find daylight
She’ll be all right
She’ll be all right
Just not tonight

And she says oooh
I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cuz I can't help her now
She’s down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it's
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down

Since U Been Gone fits because it just does... it is now my Karaoke song for him... it is just how I feel about it. I am so incredibly free now that I don't have him standing over me all the time!

Since U Been Gone-Kelly Clarkson

Here's the thing
We started out friends
It was cool, but it was all pretend
Yeah, yeah, since you been gone

You're dedicated, you took the time
Wasn't long 'til I called you mine
Yeah, yeah, since you been gone

And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I picture me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say

But since you been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on, yeah yeah
Thanks to you, now I get what I want
Since you been gone

How can I put it, you put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah, yeah, since you been gone

How come I'd never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
Guess you never felt that way

But since you been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on, yeah, yeah
Thanks to you, now I get, I get what I want
Since you been gone

You had your chance, you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth, I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again

Since you been gone (since you been gone)
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on, yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get, I get what I want

I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on, yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get (I get)

You should know (you should know) that I get
I get what I want

Since you been gone
Since you been gone
Since you been gone

Better in Time is a song that I listened to one time after a HUGE fight we had... and every time I heard it since then reminded me of the fight... it also reminded me that it never did get better... we always fought closer to the end, I hated it!

Better in Time-Leona Lewis

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming
Thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All that I know is I'mma be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings
If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I'll believe in
And I know time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'mma be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

[Chorus: x2]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to (yes I do)
It'll all get better in time


Not Meant to Be is a song I loved but he hated... and onetime after I left him I heard it and I was like... OH MY GOD!!! That is why he hates it... thats why I love it... because it FIT!

Not Meant to Be-Theory of a Dead Man

It's never enough to say I'm sorry
It's never enough to say I care
But I'm caught between
what you wanted from me
And knowing that if I give that to you
I might just disappear

Nobody wins when everyone's losing

It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I, I can't change your mind
I know it's like trying to turn around on one way street
I can't give you what you want And it's killing me
And I, I'm starting to see
Maybe we're not meant to be

It's never enough to say I love you
No, it's never enough to say I try
It's hard to believe
That's theres no way out for you and me
And it seems to be the story of our lives

Nobody wins when everyone's losing

It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I, I can't change your mind
I know it's like trying to turn around on a one way street
I can't give you what you want And it's killing me
And I, I'm starting to see
Maybe we're not meant to be

There's still time to turn this around
You could building this up instead of tearing it down
But I keep thinking
Maybe it's too late

It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I, I can't change your mind
I know it's like trying to turn around on a one way street
I can't give you what you want And it's killing me
And I, I finally see
Maybe we're not meant to be

It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I, baby I'm sorry to see
Maybe we're not meant to be

Let me be Myself is a song that shows how I felt... I felt like I was being held under water. My own thoughts were foggy the entire time and I just didnt feel like I was able to be ME!

Let me be Myself-3 doors down

I guess i just got lost being someone else,
I tried to kill the pain
But nothing ever helped
I left myself behind
Somewhere along the way
Hoping to come back around and find myself some day

Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you
To say that it's OK, tell me please
Would you one time,
Let Me Be Myself
So i can shine, with my own light
Let Me Be Myself
Would you Let Me Be Myself

Coz I'll never find my heart Behind someone else
I'll never see the light of day
Living in this cell I
t's time to make my way Into the world i knew
And take back all of these times
That I gave in to you

Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you
To say that it's OK, tell me please
Would you one time,
Let Me Be Myself
So i can shine, with my own light
Let Me Be Myself,

For a while If you don't mind,
Let Me Be Myself
So i can shine, with my own light
Let Me Be Myself
That's all i ever wanted from this world
Was to let me be me..

Please, would you one time,
Let Me Be Myself
So i can shine, with my own light
Let Me Be Myself
Please, would you one time,
Let Me Be Myself
So i can shine, with my own light
Let Me Be Myself,
For a while If you don't mind,
Let Me Be Myself
So i can shine, with my own light
Let Me Be Myself

Sober is a song that we got into a HUGE fight over... I love this song so much... It was a huge breaking point when I realized he really didnt know me at all...

Sober-P!nk

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the mornin'
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Ah, the sun is blindin'
I stayed up again
Oh, I am findin'
That's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
'Cause I won't remember, save your breath'Cause what's the use?

Ah, the night is callin'
And it whispers to me softly, "Come and play"
But I, I am fallin'
And if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down
Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round
I'm lookin' for myself, sober
Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down
Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round
Lookin' for myself, sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good 'til it goes bad
'Til you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry 'never again'
Broken down in agony, just tryin' find a friend, oh,

ohI'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

Fall for You... I always wanted him to feel this way about me... but he hated this song... I loved this song. He hated all songs that made a girl feel good about herself because he thought it was stupid for a girl to get her self worth from a song. Funny thing... the first line, it was so true... there were nights when we wouldnt fight and that is how I would feel... typically it was when we were with his friends or family, or doing things he loved, I would feel so loved when those times came around... I lived for them... He hated the first line...

Fall for You-Secondhand Serenade

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting
Could it be that we have been this way before
I know you don't think that I am trying
I know you're wearing thin down to the core
But hold your breath

Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

This is not what I intended
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed but I have loved you from the start
Oh, But hold your breath

Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
It's impossible

So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in
I'm yours to keep
And hold on to your words
Cause talk is cheap
And remember me tonight
When you're asleep

Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find

Tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

Someday

Sometimes I wonder what is going to happen...
Where will I be one year from now. I know there is a lot to accomplish and it is a long hard climb, but if I look back it has really taken a lot longer to get here...
Someday I will have everything I really want. I know it is actually possible. I am not being greedy or selfish, I am not wanting more than what god gives me... but someday, it will happen.
I am not one to let go before I get what I want.. that's how we got into this mess in the first place... There is certainly such thing as being too damned determined!

Someday I will be an interpreter, one of the best in the land. people will know my name but they will also know my generosity.
Someday I will be home, in colorado, where I belong.
Someday I will have my car, the vw bug I promised myself.
Someday someone will want me again, and not just to be their slave girl but to be someone they truely care about.
Someday I will have kids, and I will be a GREAT mom.
Someday I will interpret on broadway... and I will be a highly requested theatre interpreter...
Someday I will be confident in my body... to match my confidence in myself.

I have to remember, what is best for me IS what is best, as long as no one else is getting hurt. Three musketeers are VERY important... and ... I am loved. end of story.

I want to kill you

I seriously am trying to work this out in my head. Me of all people, the strongest personality of the bunch, the smart girl, the one who would never settle... and I fell for YOU!? And now my entire future hangs in the balance and may not be what it is supposed to be because of you! BECAUSE OF YOU! I can't even imagine how the fuck you convinced me that I loved you so damned much, makes me feel like a fucking moron. And then you act like I am some sort of throw away by joining Match.com and fucking eharmony a week after I left. This is bullshit. I don't ever want to see your face again and I hope you fucking sign the papers as fast as possible and mail them off because I am DONE with you... I want absolutely NOTHING to do with you for the rest of my life. I wish I could take it all back I really wish I could. How could I be so blind, and stupid. The whole time the people who know and love me more than anything in the world were trying to tell me then just gave up and supported me because THAT is how much I mean to them. I mean NOTHING to you... I never have. You never actually loved the real me, you just thought you did. You never actually cared about what was best for me. The only time you were ever worth being around was when we were doing shit that makes YOU happy... well fuck that I am done. You better fucking hope there is some sort of answer out there... some way that I can get back to school this year because if there isnt, I will be spending the next 9 months finding ways to make your life hell... ok so probably I won't. Using all logic I know things will be okay because I am doing what is right... but I can not believe that you put me where you did... I can not believe you abused me the way you did you fuck head. You are such a lame immature piece of dirt and I hope the rest of your life you can never have a good relationship because you are completely incompetent. How the hell did this happen?! I can not believe that I let this happen...

The future is mine (I hope) I'm taking it all back... so Fuck you and fuck off... (lovely last words by the way....)

Right now...

Right now, I am more me than I have been in a all of my adult years.
Right now... I am happy to be free from the chains that bound my wrists and ankles.
Right now I am just happy to be me

but

Right now I am pissed cause you joined fucking Match.com
Right now I feel guilt that I didn't see this all coming... I had everything already there in front of me screaming, begging me to just end it... why didn't I?
Right now I gag when I hear the word soul mate what a crock...
Right now I hate the idea of you blaming this shit on your work... on you thinking this is about me and not you... I hate that you think we have a future--WE DON'T

but

Right now I feel butterflies each time I think of the future
Right now I am unsure of SO MUCH more than I want to be at this point
Right now... I tremble when I think of my future... will it be alone??

Right now my loneliness is more apparent than it ever has been
Right now, the bed feels more empty, the silence is so much quieter, the laundry just doesn't stack up fast enough
Right now... I feel lost and alone and confused and scared

but

Right now... I feel strong and motivated and secure and knowing and IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE... and that is new... and scary, but good and right.
Right now, I know I am doing the right thing for me, the right thing for you even--you self centered greedy asshole with absolutely no respect for me--this might make your life better!
Right now... I smile at the thought of knowing I am free... Free to fly once more.